Hoping for a Miracle

Over the course of the past few days there has been one word that seems to have been ingrained upon my mind, and that word is "hope". At this point, I feel as though hope is about all I can do. I hope that I will find peace in my heart, I hope that I will have strength and courage to endure, I hope that I can fight all the odds that seem to be against me, but most of all, I hope for a miracle.

As I have been looking online for what little information is available on this rare abnormality, I came across a website dedicated to stories of women who suffer from this same condition. Although each of their stories is slightly different from my own, there is still one commonality, "hope". I read through each story of success as tears streamed down my face. In my moment of despair and doubt, the Lord knew that I needed some hope to hold onto and he provided just that.

Yesterday those same feelings of despair snuck back into my heart and I knew I needed something to lift my spirit. There on my nightstand laid the General Conference Report in the Ensign magazine published by our church. I went to the topic index and browsed over each subject. The topic of hope seemed to jump off the page in big bold letters. It referenced a talk given by Elder Uchtdorf entitled, "The Infinite Power of Hope". I sat down in my chair, pulled out a highlighter and read the beautiful talk he had given on the subject of hope. He states, "hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence-when this desire of our heart is delayed-can make the heart sick". He later talks about how "the adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness".

Throughout the 5 years Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant, I have felt as though I have kept a positive outlook in my situation. Not to say that there were not hard days, but I felt as though I battled each one triumphantly. Last Thursday, all of that positivity was suddenly drained away and I was left with feelings of doubt, frustration, anger, pain, and heartache. In my naive understanding, the outcome that I was given wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I went to the doctor for answers, and with those answers I expected solutions. I could have never imagined that my infertility would be something that was incurable and unfixable. It was hard for me to fathom that I had overcome my medical challenges as a child and that I would be faced with even more in adulthood.

As I have tried to drive such thoughts and feelings from my mind and heart, I am reminded of Elder Uchtdorfs words from his talk, "There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope… never give in, never surrender, never allow despair to overcome your spirit.". He defines hope as the following, "Hope… is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear".

"Hope is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered" (Elder Uchtdorf). In the days ahead, it is my prayer that my hope will overcome my despair. And as I continue down my road to motherhood, I will be hoping and praying for a miracle.