Life is Hard

"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope" ~ Martin Luther King

Life is hard, if no one has ever informed you of this fact, let me be the first... "life is hard"! Sometimes I feel like a broken record. After each operation, I find myself saying, this should be it...this should correct things. Only to undergo another surgery, and another, and then another...well, you get the point!

I mentioned in my last post that I was scheduled to have my catheter removed and x-rays taken on the 23rd of December. My mom was to take me down to the appointment in Jackson. After which we were to turn right back around, pick up Dave in Little Rock, and head for New Mexico to be with my family for Christmas. Well, that whole plan came to crashing halt...

As I went in for my scheduled x-ray, there were complication. They fill your bladder with iodine through the catheter and watch on the x-ray monitor as your bladder fills to assure there are not any problems. Then that catheter is removed and they ask you to urinate while they take images of your bladder/urethra as you empty. Notice, they didn't tell me to sit on the toilet and urinate...yes, right there on the bed (which does have a split down the middle) they ask you to urinate! Not to mention you have three other people in the room watching as you attempt to this.

After getting over the fact that this was entirely too weird, I gave it my best shot with no success. Then they pulled out all the tricks. They turned on running water trickling in the sink...no luck. They filled a bowl with warm water and stuck my hand it...no luck. They told me I could try it standing up, so I reluctantly took that option...as you might have guessed, no luck! Finally they gave me a big cup of water and told me to go wait in the waiting room for a few minutes and to come back and try. I did just that, but no luck. At this point, I was becoming a little emotionally distraught about the whole situation. They sent my mom and I down to grab lunch and to return and try again.

While I attempted to eat my lunch in devastation and fear, a nurse came down to the cafeteria and asked us to return immediately. As I waited in the room to see my doctor, my bladder was feeling unbearably full and getting worse by the minute. It is the worst feeling when you desperately need to go to the bathroom, but physically can't. It finally reached the point to where I could hardly breath from the pain and begged for the nurse to come and catheterize me again (the fact that I wanted another one of those things put in me should explain the extent of pain). My eyes were filled with tears as I laid on the bed while two nurses ran in to give me relief.

The doctor decided that he needed to go in and look with a scope under anesthesia along with putting in a super-pubic catheter (a catheter that goes in through your abdomen to your bladder). My mom and I started making calls to family to inform them that I would not be able to come home for Christmas. We had to wait six hours for surgery, as I had eaten earlier that day. I was released from the hospital around 4 PM the following day on Christmas Eve.

I was given a plug for my catheter and told to try and pee normally. If I was able to do that by Monday (December 28th), my urologist here could remove my catheter. Monday came and went and I still couldn't pee. I was told to keep trying on my own with the super-pubic till January 6th. We are three days away and I can't get out more than a few drops. I am hoping for a sudden miracle, but trying to be realistic at the same time. If I do not have success in the next few days, I will have to go back to Jackson for another surgery.

Sometimes I am not really sure if I should be laughing or crying about all this (I have done both simultaneously on more than one occasion). I just wish for once that my body would cooperate and take a step forward rather than two steps back. I am going on my fifth week with a catheter, I spent my Christmas season in bed, I can't go pee, and I have officially decided that life is hard! I know that I have learned a great deal from all of these experiences, but I can't wait for this burden to be lifted. I know my time will come...but in tell then, I am learning to be tough. After all, this life is not for the faint in heart!