New Skills...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...they asked me to learn how to catheterize myself (sounds easy, right?). So I am practicing and developing the new found skill of self-catheterization! To be honest, I am not very good at it, but thankfully I haven't had to use this new method in any "real-life" situations (can you imagine trying to do this in a public restroom). It is bad enough trying to stick a tube in my urethra when my bladder is somewhat empty, I cannot imagine doing it while I am dancing around because I have to go pee, but can't! But with this new ability/skill they agreed to remove my super-pubic catheter (about 2 weeks ago- I am a little delayed in making this post). This seems to be a small gleam of light in what has seemed like a long darkly lite tunnel.

For the most part I am doing pretty good. I have good days and bad days, but thus far I have been able to work through the "bad" days on my own without resorting to self-catheterization. There is always a huge rush of fear when I sit on the toilet and nothing seems to come. There are times when my entire body shakes as I try with all my might just to get a few drops out. I don't think I am seeing the progress that me or my doctor was hoping for, but I suppose time will tell. As for now, I am trying to let my bladder heal from all the trauma it has experienced lately...it is obviously pretty upset about the whole deal.

Since this is typically "stuff" you deal with when you are 80, I am currently trying to make a deal with the Lord that my 80's will be the prime of my life. Sounds fair, right? This path has been longer than I ever could have imagined. But I can honestly say that I have done and experienced things that I never would have thought I would have been strong enough to endure. I am certainly stronger and more capable in certain aspects of my life from this experience. And I hope that in becoming so, I will be blessed with what the Lord knows is my hearts greatest desire...to be mother.