Realizations

It has been a while since I shared my thoughts, emotions, and status with you all regarding my infertility and medical challenges. During this period of time I have had many realizations that I wish to share today.

A fellow infertile blogger wrote a letter to a friend who was also struggling with infertility and miscarriage. She chose to share the letter on her blog for the thousands out there who need to hear her well chosen words. In the letter she addresses the grief cycle. If you ever took a psychology class in college (one of my favorite general ed requirement classes), you have probably learned about this cycle. There are numerous ways of illustrating the cycle, but I have chosen to use the chart shown below:

I have traveled in and out of many stages of the grief cycle during my journey through infertility and medical challenges. In some of these stages, I have spent more time in than others. I have gone backwards rather than forwards and skipped a few only to go back to them at a later time, but either way I have spent my fair share in each stage with the exception of the end result. I have found that seeing a new baby, the site of baby products, or hearing of a friend or relative who is pregnant has a way of catapulting me back into certain stages for brief periods of time. It is simply unpredictable.

I won't go into detail about my experiences in each stage, but I do wish to elaborate on the most recent stage I am in. Acceptance. It feels good even typing that. Several weeks ago, as I was saying my evening prayers, I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father and expressed that I was okay with whatever way he chose to bless us with children. It is easy to say your okay with adoption, but it takes a little more than just saying. You have to truly feel okay about it to. I feel embarrassed to even say that I might not have been okay with it , but lets be honest, it isn't a decision most people are never faced with. It is something I have always thought about, but when it become a reality it was a little harder to swallow.

Thanks to lots of prayers, a visit to a dear friend in Utah last April, and lots of patience from the Lord I have come to accept that I may never carry my own child. In whatever manner the Lord blesses us with children it will be wonderful! Weather it be through IVF, adoption, or a miracle from God, I will find complete joy in having a child to call my own and to be a part of our eternal family. It took a long time for me to entirely feel like I was accepting of all options available to me, but I am now. The ball is in the Lords court and we are just waiting for him to tell us by what means we should pursue children. And that answer has not come.

Just as I have made strides in the sorrow of my infertility, I have also had several realizations regarding my health. The past several months have been terribly hard on me as I have had infection after infection (often without a break). I have certainly passed through many of the darker sides of the grief cycle with my recent health conditions. I have questioned weather I should have pursued all that I did to make me better when at times I only feel worse. I have felt feelings of frustration towards my Doctor even though he has been amazing in every way. And I have most certainly felt helpless.

The conclusion that I finally have come to is not something I like to think about. It is a thought I have fought more than once, but at the same time it could be the reality of my situation. Some people are born with terrible abnormalities that cannot be repaired. Some people experience horrible accidents that cause paralysis or other challenges. We cannot always avoid such situations nor can we correct them. Thankfully my condition is internal. Most people will never know of my medical conditions. They typically cannot see when I am sick.

We are all given trials in life. Some only stay with us for a short period of time, while others are left to carry the burden of their trails throughout their earthly life. For so long I approached my condition as a race in which there was a finish line. The truth is I don't know if there will be a finish line in this earthly life. My medical struggles may be something that I carry with me throughout the remainder of my days. It has always been "when I am healthy" or "when they fix that problem". I am not sure I will ever be healthy nor do I know if they will find solutions to all of my medical concerns. It is a hard concept to grasp, but I at least have to learn to understand that it may be the reality.

I am who I am. Healthy or sick...happy or sad. And I have to learn to make the most of life either way. The sweet and inspired words of the mother of Joseph B. Wirthlin come to mind, "come what may, and love it". That is all I can do. Learn to love the life (and body) I have been given and he will carry me through the trails.

Good Things to Come

Have you ever have that experience where you feel the Lord is speaking directly to you through someone else? 

I have been so discouraged over the past several months as my body has decided to do anything but cooperate! I have felt so frustrated by it all, and somewhat hopeless that they will ever find a solution to my urological problems. With every advance they make my body seems to take ten steps backwards and I am left with more problems than what I dealt with before. It has been a time of finding myself and and deciding what I am made of.

A little over a month ago, my body developed the first major urinary tract infection since post-surgery.  My doctor quickly prescribed a 10 day regimen of antibiotics and requested I return upon finishing them to give another urine specimen to confirm it was clean. After 10 days of medicine, I still had an infection. They cultured the urine, determined the best antibiotic to kill that particular bacteria, and put me on an addition 10 day regimen of a different antibiotic.

Last Wednesday I returned to give my third urine sample and I am pretty convinced I still have the infection! I should find out what the results of the culture are tomorrow, but since I have completed my last course of medicine I already have begun to see traces of blood in my urine again (sigh).

There are moments when all I want to do is through my hands in the air I declare, "I give up"! I am simply not strong enough, emotionally and physically, to continue fighting this battle. In these moments I have to dig deep to find hope and peace. I often hold on to the sweet words of a co-worker and friend who once gave me the perfect analogy that has carried me through a lot of rough days.

"It is like I am on the last leg of a long race...I am tired and worn out and I don't much feel like continuing on. I am ready to give up, but if I just push through this last little part, my reward will be sweet and my joy will be full." I will be able to declare that although it was a long and hard race, I pushed through, and it was a journey worth finishing.

Tonight, I came across the video posted below. It is of Elder Holland as he recalls his days as a poor young father with a broken down family car. On that challenging day from his past, he wishes he could have told himself the following,

"Don't you quit, you keep walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessing come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ...they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

Those words couldn't be more perfect and more inspired. They have filled my heart with a much needed peace and comfort. I pray that in your own struggles, these words will find your heart and touch your soul as they have mine. In the profound words of Elder Holland, "Everyone of us has times when we need to know that things will get better." "It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

{Please turn off the music before playing}

*To watch the video in full screen click here.

The Life of a Non-Mother on Mother's Day

I really hadn't put much thought into the fact that Mother's day was quickly approaching. For the most part I had pushed it to the back of my mind and that was just where I wanted it to stay. When my weekly Saturday grocery shopping excursion arrived I was suddenly reminded of the Holiday that I have come to HATE! Not because I don't have an awesome mom who I love dearly, but rather that I am not a mom myself.

As I walked through the store, I watched as Dad's held their children over containers of flowers to pick out which bundle they liked or as they gathered ingredients to make mom a delicious breakfast in bed. The pinnacle moment of the excursion came as I was checking out. Thanks to a unknowing cashier, I was harshly reminded that this celebration was certainly not for me...as I was not a mother. 

As she scanned the items on the belt, she nonchalantly asked, "are you a mother". I forced a nice tone of voice out an responded, "no...not yet". She then replied, "oh, well I guess I can't wish you a Happy Mothers Day" as she chuckled! I plastered some half smile across my face as she continued to scan a few more items. I am sure after noticing the discontent written all over my face, she then said, "you know, your not missing out on much...it isn't always all that it is cracked up to be". At that moment I was ready to reach across the register and strangle the girl.

I know she probably didn't mean it in the way that it sounded, or for that matter who she was saying it to either. She didn't know that she was making that statement to a girl who has longed to be a mother for six years now. She didn't know that I will more than likely never be able to get pregnant, to feel my baby kick, or to nurse my own child. At that moment my body was flooded with hurt and sadness.

That evening as I laid down for bed, I was filled with anxiety over what I knew tomorrow would bring. I could hardly allow myself to fall asleep. I have to admit that it crossed my mind that maybe I wouldn't sleep a wink and feel so crummy in the morning that I could skip out on church and all that goes with it on this day dedicated to motherhood. A few hours went by but my mind finally gave up and allowed me to drift in to a sleep.

I woke up the following morning to Dave standing over my bed with a plate of delicious breakfast in this hand. In attempt to make me feel special on this difficult day, he had made me breakfast in bed. We sat in bed enjoying it together, but I could feel that something was missing. There weren't any bright and shining faces filled with laughter and smiles running around my room. I wasn't holding a little child in my arms. I was not a mother and this was not my day. I hadn't made the selfless sacrifice of my time, body, and mind to deserve such a breakfast.

As I finished my breakfast, Dave whispered, "there is more, but you have to get up to see it". As I went into the kitchen I found a beautiful orchid (my favorite), homemade hand soaps, and a letter. At the top it read, "Happy Future Mother's of America Day"! It was a sweet (and funny) gesture, but the pain was still there. I got ready for church, put my "brave" face on and walked out the door feeling emotionally unprepared for what the day might hold.

I made it through the entire sacrament meeting without a tear in my eye! That was until the bishopric asked for all the ladies in the congregation to stand so that the young women could hand out flowers. I stayed seated and chatted with Dave, hoping I would go unnoticed.. Then I felt the hands around my shoulders tugging at me to stand up. Then just like that the flood gates opened and my eye's were instantly filled with tears. I didn't even turn around to see who it was tugging at me,  I just shook my head no. Then I felt someone lean over with arms wrapped around me as they whispered in my ear, "stand up, you are a mother in so many ways to these young women, I know it is hard...but stand up". As I rose to my feet, I tried to regain composure, before I was handed a flower.

Each year I try and tell myself that it is just a silly holiday made up by Hallmark and glorified by those who feel that they need a day dedicated to them for their services to their family. But the truth is that it is a celebration of who we are as women and our divine role given to us by our Heavenly Father. There is no greater calling in life than that of a mother and I know this without even having children of my own. I long for the day when I can fulfill this role to the best of my ability and for the day that I can experience all of the joy's that comes from such a role.

A big HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the women who have fought the battle of infertility and have stood triumphantly as mother, you have earned this titled ten fold. And THANKS to my own mom for raising me with a passion to become a mother. I have always understood the selfless sacrifice that such a role requires by watching her example.

Happy Mother's Day!

Wonder

I wonder how I would tell Dave he is going to be a father
or how we would announce we are expecting to our family

I wonder what it would be like to feel my baby kick
or to watch my stomach grow with a little one inside

I wonder what it would be like to bring life into this world
or to have the bonding moments of breast feeding my child

I wonder if they would have blond hair and blue eyes like me
or olive skin and a big smile like Dave

I wonder how I would design the nursery for my little one
or the cute little outfits I would dress them up in

I wonder what it would be like to have sleepless nights rocking my child 
or to patch up a scraped knee after a fall while riding their bike

I wonder if our child would be great at math like Dave
or if they would have a creative side like me

I wonder if they would be hardheaded like the both of us
or maybe they would get the sweet content of my grandmother

I wonder if they would be athletic and active like the both of us
or be blessed with a great singing voice like Dave's dad

I wonder what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom
or to see my little ones run up to greet dad as he returns home from work

I wonder what is would be all be like
or who they would be like

I wonder...

Honored

I was nominated for the Beautiful Blogger Award by Christine of We Are All Mothers. A big thank you goes out to Christine for this nomination. It always amazes me how similar trials and struggles can bring people together. That has certainly been the case with my infertility and the blogging world. Many of these women, such as Christine, I have never even met, yet there is a bond that roots deep in my heart for each one of them. Christine has been through quite the battle, but has stood triumphantly atop her mountain as she has received a few "choice" miracles. Christine and her family are now on the road to adopt in order to expand their family a little more. To learn more of Christine and to be inspired by our role as women and mothers (like I always am), visit her blog:

http://weareallmothers.blogspot.com

Okay...here are the rules of the award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award and included a link to their blog.
2. Pass on the award to 5 other bloggers who you think are great!
3. Contact the other bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award.
4. Say 7 things about yourself.

Other Bloggers That I Think Are Great Are....

Tarrin of the blog Profiles and Petri Dishes. Besides the fact that I love the creative name and unique blog header, she has been with me through much of my struggle with infertility. She has been richly blessed by adoption with one adorably cute 2 year old little girl and a brand new little guy in her family!

http://profilesandpetridishes.blogspot.com

Natalie of the blog A Healing Journey is a woman of amazing faith and courage. After a 6 year battle with infertility, she was blessed with a sweet baby boy only to loose him a few short days before she was to be induced. Her strength to share her tremendously heavy story with such faith has left me a better person. She recently brought a healthy and beautiful baby girl into the world and I couldn't be more excited for her!!!

http://journeytoheal.blogspot.com

I just LOVE Blaire of Homemade by Blaire...not to mention her photography blog, painting blog, and family blog are all equally as amazing. This girl is awesome is more ways than one! I terribly miss living near her as there is so much I could learn from her. 

http://homemadebyblaire.blogspot.com

Laura of Beyond the Rain. This girl is an example of how diligence pays off! She recently was blessed with a baby girl after a long fight with infertility. I love how she introduces a little laughter into several of her posts to lighten the heavy load such a subject. I especially love her post of the contraption her husband made her for peeing in a cup. I think she should market it! I would buy one with as much as I have had to pee into those darned things!!!

http://cloudsarefarbehindme.blogspot.com

 And last but certainly not least...all the ladies over at Design Sponge. It's simply that designer in me that can't resist the daily dose of awesome design tips. I especially love the before and afters every Thursday...it just gets my wheels spinning!

http://www.designspongeonline.com

7 Things About Me Are...

1.I don't like chocolate...I know, I know...I am weird!

2. I am obsessed with gold fish crackers. Ummm...delicious.

3. A good tune is bound to put a smile on my face. Music inspires me.

4.I wish I had more time to explore the world around me with my camera.

5.I am a natural blond, but thanks to the invention of dye...I am a redhead!

6. I have lived in 5 states in the past 7 years

7. I love to cook/try unique foods...often times I don't even know what certain ingredients are and I have to aimlessly wonder the grocery store till I find what I need!

This is the year...or not!

"No one knows what this next year will bring, 

but one thing is sure, He will be with us and 

He is enough for every difficulty that may arise"

I have found myself anticipating when pregnancy will take place for us on more than one occasion. These moments typically happened before I knew or understood the full extent of what it would actually take for us to get pregnant (assuming pregnancy is even a viable goal). I remember thinking that maybe I was simply suppose to finish school before the Lord would bless us with little ones. Graduation came and went and there were no little ones in site. 

We then moved to Arizona and I made my first appointment with a fertility specialist. I figured that it was finally our time. I anxiously waited for my appointment for two months but ended up having to cancel after such anticipation. We received the news that we were being transferred to Arkansas and coincidentally, my fertility appointment was set for the exact day we were scheduled to move.

I remember feeling a strong push shortly after we moved to Arkansas to again pursue a fertility doctor to find answers to our infertility. I can also recall feeling impressed to find a doctor who had a solution to my chronic UTI's, kidney infections, and other urinary problems. I figured those thoughts and feeling were signs of what my immediate future (meaning within the next year or so) might hold.

I can recall a conversation in particular with a close cousin a little over a year ago. In this conversation, I stated that I was going to get all of my medical issue resolved, see a fertility specialist, and at the latest, be pregnant by Christmas time (2009). Well, as most of you know this plan also fell short...very short to be exact! 

I have spent a good part of the past year and a half working with doctor after doctor to find answers to my complex medical history. All the while, I was anticipating to get those problems resolved and then move on to the next goal...pregnancy/motherhood. Through all of this, I am finally figuring out that you cannot foresee  what the Lord has in store for you. It simply doesn't work that way. There is one thing and one thing only that I can relay on being consistent and that is that He will be with me if I let him into my life.

I have no idea what this year will bring. I do not know if my urinary problems will subside in a few months or if it will take years. I do not know if further surgeries will be necessary to resolve the issue or not. I do not even know by what means we should start pursue our family (IVF or adoption). And I certainly do not know if this is the year I can claim the title of "mother". Just as the quote at the top of the post reads, "No one knows what this year will bring, but one thing is sure, He will be with us and He is enough for every difficulty that may arise".

P.S. I wanted to thank my mom for her inspiration to send me this beautiful quote. Those few words have taught me so much over the course of the past few days as I have pondered their profound meaning. Thanks Mom!

New Skills...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...they asked me to learn how to catheterize myself (sounds easy, right?). So I am practicing and developing the new found skill of self-catheterization! To be honest, I am not very good at it, but thankfully I haven't had to use this new method in any "real-life" situations (can you imagine trying to do this in a public restroom). It is bad enough trying to stick a tube in my urethra when my bladder is somewhat empty, I cannot imagine doing it while I am dancing around because I have to go pee, but can't! But with this new ability/skill they agreed to remove my super-pubic catheter (about 2 weeks ago- I am a little delayed in making this post). This seems to be a small gleam of light in what has seemed like a long darkly lite tunnel.

For the most part I am doing pretty good. I have good days and bad days, but thus far I have been able to work through the "bad" days on my own without resorting to self-catheterization. There is always a huge rush of fear when I sit on the toilet and nothing seems to come. There are times when my entire body shakes as I try with all my might just to get a few drops out. I don't think I am seeing the progress that me or my doctor was hoping for, but I suppose time will tell. As for now, I am trying to let my bladder heal from all the trauma it has experienced lately...it is obviously pretty upset about the whole deal.

Since this is typically "stuff" you deal with when you are 80, I am currently trying to make a deal with the Lord that my 80's will be the prime of my life. Sounds fair, right? This path has been longer than I ever could have imagined. But I can honestly say that I have done and experienced things that I never would have thought I would have been strong enough to endure. I am certainly stronger and more capable in certain aspects of my life from this experience. And I hope that in becoming so, I will be blessed with what the Lord knows is my hearts greatest desire...to be mother.