This is the year...or not!

"No one knows what this next year will bring, 

but one thing is sure, He will be with us and 

He is enough for every difficulty that may arise"

I have found myself anticipating when pregnancy will take place for us on more than one occasion. These moments typically happened before I knew or understood the full extent of what it would actually take for us to get pregnant (assuming pregnancy is even a viable goal). I remember thinking that maybe I was simply suppose to finish school before the Lord would bless us with little ones. Graduation came and went and there were no little ones in site. 

We then moved to Arizona and I made my first appointment with a fertility specialist. I figured that it was finally our time. I anxiously waited for my appointment for two months but ended up having to cancel after such anticipation. We received the news that we were being transferred to Arkansas and coincidentally, my fertility appointment was set for the exact day we were scheduled to move.

I remember feeling a strong push shortly after we moved to Arkansas to again pursue a fertility doctor to find answers to our infertility. I can also recall feeling impressed to find a doctor who had a solution to my chronic UTI's, kidney infections, and other urinary problems. I figured those thoughts and feeling were signs of what my immediate future (meaning within the next year or so) might hold.

I can recall a conversation in particular with a close cousin a little over a year ago. In this conversation, I stated that I was going to get all of my medical issue resolved, see a fertility specialist, and at the latest, be pregnant by Christmas time (2009). Well, as most of you know this plan also fell short...very short to be exact! 

I have spent a good part of the past year and a half working with doctor after doctor to find answers to my complex medical history. All the while, I was anticipating to get those problems resolved and then move on to the next goal...pregnancy/motherhood. Through all of this, I am finally figuring out that you cannot foresee  what the Lord has in store for you. It simply doesn't work that way. There is one thing and one thing only that I can relay on being consistent and that is that He will be with me if I let him into my life.

I have no idea what this year will bring. I do not know if my urinary problems will subside in a few months or if it will take years. I do not know if further surgeries will be necessary to resolve the issue or not. I do not even know by what means we should start pursue our family (IVF or adoption). And I certainly do not know if this is the year I can claim the title of "mother". Just as the quote at the top of the post reads, "No one knows what this year will bring, but one thing is sure, He will be with us and He is enough for every difficulty that may arise".

P.S. I wanted to thank my mom for her inspiration to send me this beautiful quote. Those few words have taught me so much over the course of the past few days as I have pondered their profound meaning. Thanks Mom!

Stop This Train…I Wanna Get Off

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping" ~Chinese Proverb

This experience has tested my strength both physically and spiritually more than a few times. I don't know how many times along this journey I have wanted to say, "stop this train, I wanna get off". I have felt on more than one occasion so completely inadequate to keep going; so trodden down to pick myself back up. Each time I reach a new destination, or in other words, overcome another trail...there is this part of me asking, "This is it, right?", "I will be done after this one?". Funny thing is that it never seems to be "it". I haven't finished a race, I can't throw in the towel, and I am certainly not done...

I have come to realize that so often our trials are simply a means to prepare us for...you guessed it, even bigger trials. I know it isn't exactly fun to think of it that way, but I imagine if I were to look at it like this more often, I might have less disappointment and sorrow. I have also found it important to never assume that things can't possibly get any harder, because they inevitably will.

Life is full of surprises, which I am sure isn't news to anyone. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Now speaking for myself, I would say I have had my fair share of both. At times it has been filled with nothing but those "highs", and more recently it seems to be filled with nothing more than the "lows". I am praying that my opportunity for some "highs" is soon in coming. So what do I do till they arrive? I am trying ever so hard to be patient… because there is one thing I know, and that is through adversity comes strength, courage, and blessings. Strength that I am certainly lacking, courage that I desperately need, and blessings that will fill my hearts desires.

After a trip to the ER Monday evening, after complications with my stent and a potential infection, I laid on the hospital bed in excruciating pain. I turned to Dave with my eyes full of tears and simply said, "I can't do this anymore…it is just too hard". His reply was simple, "yes, you can…you already are".

Throughout the course of the past several months, I have reflected a great deal on the Saviors Atonement. Most of my thoughts have been directed towards the peace of knowing that because of His infinite Atonement, he knows every pain my body has relentlessly endured and every sorrow that my heart has felt. More recently, I have turned to those sweet words He uttered to His Father in Heaven in the Garden of Gethsemane, saying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42). Even the Savior Himself asked for deliverance from such hardship. But He, knowing what had to be done, suffered and atoned for each one of us.

The Father knows my heart. As much as I would like to be relieved of such physical pains from surgery and the emotion pains of infertility, it simply isn't up to me. He knows what will strengthen me. He knows what will prepare me for what the future holds. He knows what blessings are in store so long as I submit to his will and not my own. Every part of me wants to stop this train, every part of me wants to get off and try my hand at something a little seemingly easier of a ride. But I WILL keep going… one day at time…step by step.