Realizations

It has been a while since I shared my thoughts, emotions, and status with you all regarding my infertility and medical challenges. During this period of time I have had many realizations that I wish to share today.

A fellow infertile blogger wrote a letter to a friend who was also struggling with infertility and miscarriage. She chose to share the letter on her blog for the thousands out there who need to hear her well chosen words. In the letter she addresses the grief cycle. If you ever took a psychology class in college (one of my favorite general ed requirement classes), you have probably learned about this cycle. There are numerous ways of illustrating the cycle, but I have chosen to use the chart shown below:

I have traveled in and out of many stages of the grief cycle during my journey through infertility and medical challenges. In some of these stages, I have spent more time in than others. I have gone backwards rather than forwards and skipped a few only to go back to them at a later time, but either way I have spent my fair share in each stage with the exception of the end result. I have found that seeing a new baby, the site of baby products, or hearing of a friend or relative who is pregnant has a way of catapulting me back into certain stages for brief periods of time. It is simply unpredictable.

I won't go into detail about my experiences in each stage, but I do wish to elaborate on the most recent stage I am in. Acceptance. It feels good even typing that. Several weeks ago, as I was saying my evening prayers, I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father and expressed that I was okay with whatever way he chose to bless us with children. It is easy to say your okay with adoption, but it takes a little more than just saying. You have to truly feel okay about it to. I feel embarrassed to even say that I might not have been okay with it , but lets be honest, it isn't a decision most people are never faced with. It is something I have always thought about, but when it become a reality it was a little harder to swallow.

Thanks to lots of prayers, a visit to a dear friend in Utah last April, and lots of patience from the Lord I have come to accept that I may never carry my own child. In whatever manner the Lord blesses us with children it will be wonderful! Weather it be through IVF, adoption, or a miracle from God, I will find complete joy in having a child to call my own and to be a part of our eternal family. It took a long time for me to entirely feel like I was accepting of all options available to me, but I am now. The ball is in the Lords court and we are just waiting for him to tell us by what means we should pursue children. And that answer has not come.

Just as I have made strides in the sorrow of my infertility, I have also had several realizations regarding my health. The past several months have been terribly hard on me as I have had infection after infection (often without a break). I have certainly passed through many of the darker sides of the grief cycle with my recent health conditions. I have questioned weather I should have pursued all that I did to make me better when at times I only feel worse. I have felt feelings of frustration towards my Doctor even though he has been amazing in every way. And I have most certainly felt helpless.

The conclusion that I finally have come to is not something I like to think about. It is a thought I have fought more than once, but at the same time it could be the reality of my situation. Some people are born with terrible abnormalities that cannot be repaired. Some people experience horrible accidents that cause paralysis or other challenges. We cannot always avoid such situations nor can we correct them. Thankfully my condition is internal. Most people will never know of my medical conditions. They typically cannot see when I am sick.

We are all given trials in life. Some only stay with us for a short period of time, while others are left to carry the burden of their trails throughout their earthly life. For so long I approached my condition as a race in which there was a finish line. The truth is I don't know if there will be a finish line in this earthly life. My medical struggles may be something that I carry with me throughout the remainder of my days. It has always been "when I am healthy" or "when they fix that problem". I am not sure I will ever be healthy nor do I know if they will find solutions to all of my medical concerns. It is a hard concept to grasp, but I at least have to learn to understand that it may be the reality.

I am who I am. Healthy or sick...happy or sad. And I have to learn to make the most of life either way. The sweet and inspired words of the mother of Joseph B. Wirthlin come to mind, "come what may, and love it". That is all I can do. Learn to love the life (and body) I have been given and he will carry me through the trails.

Good Things to Come

Have you ever have that experience where you feel the Lord is speaking directly to you through someone else? 

I have been so discouraged over the past several months as my body has decided to do anything but cooperate! I have felt so frustrated by it all, and somewhat hopeless that they will ever find a solution to my urological problems. With every advance they make my body seems to take ten steps backwards and I am left with more problems than what I dealt with before. It has been a time of finding myself and and deciding what I am made of.

A little over a month ago, my body developed the first major urinary tract infection since post-surgery.  My doctor quickly prescribed a 10 day regimen of antibiotics and requested I return upon finishing them to give another urine specimen to confirm it was clean. After 10 days of medicine, I still had an infection. They cultured the urine, determined the best antibiotic to kill that particular bacteria, and put me on an addition 10 day regimen of a different antibiotic.

Last Wednesday I returned to give my third urine sample and I am pretty convinced I still have the infection! I should find out what the results of the culture are tomorrow, but since I have completed my last course of medicine I already have begun to see traces of blood in my urine again (sigh).

There are moments when all I want to do is through my hands in the air I declare, "I give up"! I am simply not strong enough, emotionally and physically, to continue fighting this battle. In these moments I have to dig deep to find hope and peace. I often hold on to the sweet words of a co-worker and friend who once gave me the perfect analogy that has carried me through a lot of rough days.

"It is like I am on the last leg of a long race...I am tired and worn out and I don't much feel like continuing on. I am ready to give up, but if I just push through this last little part, my reward will be sweet and my joy will be full." I will be able to declare that although it was a long and hard race, I pushed through, and it was a journey worth finishing.

Tonight, I came across the video posted below. It is of Elder Holland as he recalls his days as a poor young father with a broken down family car. On that challenging day from his past, he wishes he could have told himself the following,

"Don't you quit, you keep walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessing come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ...they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

Those words couldn't be more perfect and more inspired. They have filled my heart with a much needed peace and comfort. I pray that in your own struggles, these words will find your heart and touch your soul as they have mine. In the profound words of Elder Holland, "Everyone of us has times when we need to know that things will get better." "It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

{Please turn off the music before playing}

*To watch the video in full screen click here.

The Life of a Non-Mother on Mother's Day

I really hadn't put much thought into the fact that Mother's day was quickly approaching. For the most part I had pushed it to the back of my mind and that was just where I wanted it to stay. When my weekly Saturday grocery shopping excursion arrived I was suddenly reminded of the Holiday that I have come to HATE! Not because I don't have an awesome mom who I love dearly, but rather that I am not a mom myself.

As I walked through the store, I watched as Dad's held their children over containers of flowers to pick out which bundle they liked or as they gathered ingredients to make mom a delicious breakfast in bed. The pinnacle moment of the excursion came as I was checking out. Thanks to a unknowing cashier, I was harshly reminded that this celebration was certainly not for me...as I was not a mother. 

As she scanned the items on the belt, she nonchalantly asked, "are you a mother". I forced a nice tone of voice out an responded, "no...not yet". She then replied, "oh, well I guess I can't wish you a Happy Mothers Day" as she chuckled! I plastered some half smile across my face as she continued to scan a few more items. I am sure after noticing the discontent written all over my face, she then said, "you know, your not missing out on much...it isn't always all that it is cracked up to be". At that moment I was ready to reach across the register and strangle the girl.

I know she probably didn't mean it in the way that it sounded, or for that matter who she was saying it to either. She didn't know that she was making that statement to a girl who has longed to be a mother for six years now. She didn't know that I will more than likely never be able to get pregnant, to feel my baby kick, or to nurse my own child. At that moment my body was flooded with hurt and sadness.

That evening as I laid down for bed, I was filled with anxiety over what I knew tomorrow would bring. I could hardly allow myself to fall asleep. I have to admit that it crossed my mind that maybe I wouldn't sleep a wink and feel so crummy in the morning that I could skip out on church and all that goes with it on this day dedicated to motherhood. A few hours went by but my mind finally gave up and allowed me to drift in to a sleep.

I woke up the following morning to Dave standing over my bed with a plate of delicious breakfast in this hand. In attempt to make me feel special on this difficult day, he had made me breakfast in bed. We sat in bed enjoying it together, but I could feel that something was missing. There weren't any bright and shining faces filled with laughter and smiles running around my room. I wasn't holding a little child in my arms. I was not a mother and this was not my day. I hadn't made the selfless sacrifice of my time, body, and mind to deserve such a breakfast.

As I finished my breakfast, Dave whispered, "there is more, but you have to get up to see it". As I went into the kitchen I found a beautiful orchid (my favorite), homemade hand soaps, and a letter. At the top it read, "Happy Future Mother's of America Day"! It was a sweet (and funny) gesture, but the pain was still there. I got ready for church, put my "brave" face on and walked out the door feeling emotionally unprepared for what the day might hold.

I made it through the entire sacrament meeting without a tear in my eye! That was until the bishopric asked for all the ladies in the congregation to stand so that the young women could hand out flowers. I stayed seated and chatted with Dave, hoping I would go unnoticed.. Then I felt the hands around my shoulders tugging at me to stand up. Then just like that the flood gates opened and my eye's were instantly filled with tears. I didn't even turn around to see who it was tugging at me,  I just shook my head no. Then I felt someone lean over with arms wrapped around me as they whispered in my ear, "stand up, you are a mother in so many ways to these young women, I know it is hard...but stand up". As I rose to my feet, I tried to regain composure, before I was handed a flower.

Each year I try and tell myself that it is just a silly holiday made up by Hallmark and glorified by those who feel that they need a day dedicated to them for their services to their family. But the truth is that it is a celebration of who we are as women and our divine role given to us by our Heavenly Father. There is no greater calling in life than that of a mother and I know this without even having children of my own. I long for the day when I can fulfill this role to the best of my ability and for the day that I can experience all of the joy's that comes from such a role.

A big HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the women who have fought the battle of infertility and have stood triumphantly as mother, you have earned this titled ten fold. And THANKS to my own mom for raising me with a passion to become a mother. I have always understood the selfless sacrifice that such a role requires by watching her example.

Happy Mother's Day!

Wonder

I wonder how I would tell Dave he is going to be a father
or how we would announce we are expecting to our family

I wonder what it would be like to feel my baby kick
or to watch my stomach grow with a little one inside

I wonder what it would be like to bring life into this world
or to have the bonding moments of breast feeding my child

I wonder if they would have blond hair and blue eyes like me
or olive skin and a big smile like Dave

I wonder how I would design the nursery for my little one
or the cute little outfits I would dress them up in

I wonder what it would be like to have sleepless nights rocking my child 
or to patch up a scraped knee after a fall while riding their bike

I wonder if our child would be great at math like Dave
or if they would have a creative side like me

I wonder if they would be hardheaded like the both of us
or maybe they would get the sweet content of my grandmother

I wonder if they would be athletic and active like the both of us
or be blessed with a great singing voice like Dave's dad

I wonder what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom
or to see my little ones run up to greet dad as he returns home from work

I wonder what is would be all be like
or who they would be like

I wonder...

The Common Thread

If there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it is that I am not alone. My situation may be unique... but the outcome of infertility is not. The more I open my mouth and let others in, the more I realize just how many are struggling with infertility as well. I have found hope and peace, strength and courage from those with whom I share this one common thread. Having a network of friends that I can lean on for understanding or a listening ear has meant so much to me over the past few months. Often times it is with people with whom I have never even met or barely even know. That thread is what links each one of us together, and it is often times, what holds each one of us together through such a trail.

My sidebar contains a list of friends with whom have shared this common tread with me, and the type of infertility they suffer from. I know that this list is incomplete... I am not aware of the names of some of the conditions these women suffer from and I also know that this list will continue to grow as I create that common thread with new friends. If you are on my list please send me the proper abbreviations that link to your name (if you wish to be removed from the list completely, please let me know). For a list of abbreviations, please click here or visit the link entitled "Terms and Abbreviations" on my sidebar - if you do not see the applicable abbreviation for you, make one up! If you know of those who would like to be a part of my infertile network, please send them a link to my blog, I would love to get to know them.

I have also created a logo (picture above) or blog button that you can add to your blog with a link to your story. If you have any ideas on how I could expound on this network or networking system, please let me know.

There really is truth to the phrase, "strength in numbers". I hope that we can all lift and strengthen each other through our struggles and our one common thread.

Pieces

My surgery to remove my right uterine horn (which had no communication with my actual uterus and was suspected to have endometrosis) finally arrived last Tuesday. Everything went well and as planned and I am recovering. This surgery has left me with feelings and emotions that I don't typically allow myself to have. It is as if the surgery just sucked all of the positivity and optimism right out of me. The reality that my body will never allow me to conceive a child naturally has set in more than ever. The reality of how I was born, and what has been taken and removed, and how it simply cannot be fixed or replaced is clear.

I returned to work this Wednesday and to the love and concern of the people with whom I work with. The other designer I work with asked for a better explanation than I had previously given her of just what exactly they did. The best way I knew to explain it was by drawing a picture. I pulled out my sticky notes and drew what a normal uterus looks like and gave a brief explanation of the parts (uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries). Then, right below that image, I drew what my anatomy looked like when I was born. That image was followed, by how my anatomy looks now (after two surgeries). When I glanced down at my own drawing, I realized just how pitiful it looked. And not just because of my artistic inabilities, but rather that there really wasn't much there. It was all just a bunch of PIECES, none of which do what they are suppose to do.

I am left with two fabulous ovaries. The right has a fallopian tube to communicate with, but no uterus communication. The left side contains my unicornuate uterus (half the normal uterus), but does not have a fallopian tube to make communication between my uterus and left ovary(my left fallopian tube was removed as a child). Simply put... a bunch of useless PIECES, a scar covered tummy, and no baby to hold and call my own.

Follow-up

As a follow-up to my last post entitled, "Avoiding the Why Me's" I wanted to share the following. In this post I shared a few of my feelings and thoughts on the possibility that we chose our trails in the pre earth life. My sweet friend shared a story on her blog in relation to what I had said. It is such a touching story, and it brought tears to my eyes. Her family has been blessed through adoption and is currently trying to adopt again. Please visit the following link to read the story which she shared...

Click Here

Avoiding the "Why Me"

I know it has been a while since I posted. I guess I figured that if I didn't talk about it then it all might go away, but I was, unfortunately, wrong. The past several nights I have laid in bed, contemplating my situation and the emotions that usually follow when I do so. Every time I do this, the "why me's" seem to creep into my mind. In an attempt to push them out, I decided to try and think of every trial or challenge that those around me have been faced with or are facing in their own lives. As I would do this, I would ask myself, "would I prefer this trail over my struggles". Each time I answered, it was a resonating "no".

Now, I agree, that some of these trials or challenges seemed a little easier than my own. But what I realized is that I would not be the person I am today if I had been faced with some of the seemingly easier earthly tests. On the contrary, there were also many trials that seemed much harder than the ones I face. The weight of these struggles would be unbearable. I am not sure that I am strong enough to face these trails (I would like to think I would be, but in reality I doubt I am).

I like to think of it this way... Maybe, just maybe, in our pre-earth lives with our Heavenly Father, we sat down with him and helped choose our earthly struggles. I imagine a big long list that seemed to extend forever of all the earthly trails that one might face in this life. I picture reading through each one until I came across the struggles for me, in which I would respond, "sign me up for this one", "I think I am strong enough for this trial", "Oh, and this one too... I could learn so much from this trial". I envision my Heavenly Father guiding me through the list, helping me to choose the trials most suited for me. I imagine He would then explain why it will be important for me to experience these trails in my life, but more importantly, why it is important that I overcome each one. Now, I am not sure that this is really how it works, but it gives me peace and strength to think that maybe I knew of the hardships I would face in this earthly life and that I gladly accepted them, knowing that if I endured each one I would be a stronger individual. It also brings me peace to know that the Lord will never test you beyond that which you are capable of bearing.

At times, it is so hard to understand why there are so many blessed with children who don't even want them or care for them. And then there are those who pray each and everyday that they might be blessed with a child to hold in their arms only to be empty handed. I cringe each time I hear an ungrateful mother talk of her annoyance of raising children, the supposed sacrifice of her career that she is making, or her slim figure. My heart breaks as I watch a mother yell uncontrollably at her child in the middle of the store or when I hear the news reports of a mother dumping her baby in a dumpster or leaving their baby to die in their crib because they are too drugged up to realize what they are doing. Each time I can't help but think, "I can do better than that and yet I am the one who can't get pregnant". We have all heard the phrase (probably from our parents) that "life just isn't fair". This certainly seems to sum up the emotions that creep into my mind and heart..."why me, it's just not fair".

I don't always understand the Lords plan or timing for me. But what I do know is that there is a reason for everything. I can choose to take my life's challenges and be bitter or I can choose to learn and grow from them. When my opportunity comes for me to hold a child of my own in my arms, I pray that I will remember what it was like to go though each day empty handed for so long. I pray that it will cause me to be a better mother than I might have been otherwise, that I will never take for granted a single day that I have to spend with my child. I have longed and waited, I have cried and prayed... and because of all this I have a greater appreciation of motherhood. I am trying to change those "why me's" into seeing this experience as a blessing. A blessing and opportunity to love my future child more fully and to never take for grated the amazing blessings of motherhood.

Hoping for a Miracle

Over the course of the past few days there has been one word that seems to have been ingrained upon my mind, and that word is "hope". At this point, I feel as though hope is about all I can do. I hope that I will find peace in my heart, I hope that I will have strength and courage to endure, I hope that I can fight all the odds that seem to be against me, but most of all, I hope for a miracle.

As I have been looking online for what little information is available on this rare abnormality, I came across a website dedicated to stories of women who suffer from this same condition. Although each of their stories is slightly different from my own, there is still one commonality, "hope". I read through each story of success as tears streamed down my face. In my moment of despair and doubt, the Lord knew that I needed some hope to hold onto and he provided just that.

Yesterday those same feelings of despair snuck back into my heart and I knew I needed something to lift my spirit. There on my nightstand laid the General Conference Report in the Ensign magazine published by our church. I went to the topic index and browsed over each subject. The topic of hope seemed to jump off the page in big bold letters. It referenced a talk given by Elder Uchtdorf entitled, "The Infinite Power of Hope". I sat down in my chair, pulled out a highlighter and read the beautiful talk he had given on the subject of hope. He states, "hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence-when this desire of our heart is delayed-can make the heart sick". He later talks about how "the adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness".

Throughout the 5 years Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant, I have felt as though I have kept a positive outlook in my situation. Not to say that there were not hard days, but I felt as though I battled each one triumphantly. Last Thursday, all of that positivity was suddenly drained away and I was left with feelings of doubt, frustration, anger, pain, and heartache. In my naive understanding, the outcome that I was given wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I went to the doctor for answers, and with those answers I expected solutions. I could have never imagined that my infertility would be something that was incurable and unfixable. It was hard for me to fathom that I had overcome my medical challenges as a child and that I would be faced with even more in adulthood.

As I have tried to drive such thoughts and feelings from my mind and heart, I am reminded of Elder Uchtdorfs words from his talk, "There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope… never give in, never surrender, never allow despair to overcome your spirit.". He defines hope as the following, "Hope… is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear".

"Hope is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered" (Elder Uchtdorf). In the days ahead, it is my prayer that my hope will overcome my despair. And as I continue down my road to motherhood, I will be hoping and praying for a miracle.

Part 2 of My Story

(If you haven't read Part 1, please click here)

Now that I have finished school, the reality that I am not a mother has set in harder than it had previously. When we moved to Arkansas I decided that I was ready to pursue more options and try and find solutions. This past year has been exceptionally hard as I have been faced with more UTI's than in the past and my body hasn't responded the same to the antibiotics as it has before.

Little Rock has a wonderful university medical center that I felt very good about and so I began the process of getting answers. I gathered and requested all of my medical records from the past 13 years of my life so that I would be able to give the doctors a better understanding of my situation. I set up a family care doctor so that I could get referrals to see the doctors at UAMS. At this point, I was finally able to make my appointments. When I did so, I could have never anticipated the wait that would follow. I made appointments with 2 doctors, a urologists and an OB/GYN. The earliest that I would be able to get into either doctor would be over 2 months. A week before my first appointment with the OB/GYN I received a letter in the mail informing me that they had pushed back my appointment for another month and a half. I was so frustrated after waiting so long to find out that I would have to wait even longer. Not to mention the fact that I had been bleeding for over 3 months and I was unsure why. As I explained this situation to the nurse who rescheduled my appointment, she simply said, "well, you have your appointment with the urologist in a few days, see what he says about it". Then to make matters worse, I received a call the day before my urologist appointment to inform me that they would need to move my appointment back one more month. And so the waiting process began again...

When the urologist appointment finally arrived they meant business. It was a long wait to get in to the doctor, but once I was in, he wasted no time in running test, after test, after test to try and get to the root of the problem and to get a clear understanding of my anatomy. He then confirmed, as my childhood urologist had already done, that my urethra was about 1 cm off from where it was suppose to be located. This in turn, directs a small amount of urine into the vaginal cavity and causes a significant amount of urinary tract infections along with a myriad of other issues. He then said that in his 35 years of practicing, he has never seen this situation before and wasn't sure if it would be able to be corrected or not. I then received a referral to see another urologist, as he attempted to comfort me by saying, "if there was a doctor who would have a solution it would be this new doctor". We then went to make the appointment only to be informed that there would be another two month wait to get into see him. This appointment will be December 12th, and I am very hopeful he will be able to repair and correct my urethra.

As for the OB/GYN, I went to that appointment and was again referred to another doctor who specializes in fertility treatment. Luckily this appointment was scheduled just a week and a half following this visit.

My first fertility appointment arrived November 10th, and I could hardly contain my excitement of the possibility that he would have an answer for me as to why I have been unable to get pregnant. Once again he wasted no time in finding a solution, as I underwent a series of tests and blood work. He discovered that I was not ovulating and that is why I had been bleeding for several months. He then ordered and HSG test to determine if there was any blockage in my right fallopian tube (since I only have one) and to get a clear picture of the shape of my uterus. During an HSG test, they shoot dye into you uterus and watch the path of the dye flow out through your fallopian tubes. It is done by taking a consecutive series of x-ray images as the dye is injected. It causes severe cramping for the point of dye injection up to two days later. I had watched a video of a normal HSG test before I went in for the procedure so I would know what to expect.

During the procedure I couldn't see the screen of the X-rays, but once they were done, the doctor sat me up and pulled the screen over to show me the results. The second I saw the images, my heart sank. I knew something wasn't right because my images looked nothing like the normal HSG test I had watched online. I left the hospital that Wednesday with a brief explanation of what the doctor thought might be wrong, but he told me that my fertility doctor would go over the results with me on Thursday. In my heart, I knew the outcome was not what I was hoping for. I spent the rest of Wednesday lying in bed because of pain from the procedure while I looked online for further explanation of what I had seen. There was alot of tears as I read through article after article describing my situation.

Yesterday was the follow up appointment for the test results. Going into the appointment, I had pretty much prepared myself for what the doctor would be telling me. He sat us down in his office and went through everything with us for almost an hour. I was born with a rare uterine abnormality known as a unicornuate uterus. This basically means I have about half the uterus that most women have. My unicornuate uterus has a left horn and a right non-communicating rudimentary horn (as seen in the diagram below, for a picture of a normal uterus please click here).




I have a very healthy right ovary and fallopian tube but there is no communication between them and my uterus. It is suggested that there are several women who have this condition and never experiance any problems from it. It is often diagnosed when a women suffers from repeated miscarriages, pre-term births, or infertiltiy. In my situation it has caused steralization. This is due to the fact that they removed the only fallopian tube that had communication with my uterus because of the damage the tube withstood as child. My uterine malformation was not discovered during my childhood operations because of the initial distortion of the organs from the blood that they held.

The doctor also suspects that I have endometrosis. He has suggested that I undergo a laprasopic surgery to remove my right uterine horn and fallopian tube and the portion still remaining of my left fallopian tube. This will resolve the pain caused from the endometrosis which has built up in my rudimentary horn and decrease the risk of any tubal pregnancies. I am waiting to see if the urologist will be able to operate on me to correct my urethra, and if so, I will have each doctor do their surgeries on the same day.

My options for motherhood are IVF (invitro fertilization), surrogacy, or adoption. If we were to go forward with IVF they would only be able to implant one egg at a time (they usually implant multiple Embryo's). This decreases the chance of the procedure being as affective. They would do this because of the risk involved if all the embryos took and I carried a multiples. Because of my uterine size, carrying just one is like carrying multiples for everyone else. I would be considered a very high risk pregnancy and the chance of miscarriage and preterm births are very high. The babies are usually breeched as well, because there is not enough room for the fetus to turn.

Amongst a lot of sorrow, there is certainly hope, but I have a significant amount of odds to fight. I know that if it is meant to be, the Lord will provide a way. Please keep us in your prayers as we continue are quest to become parents. I can't thank you enough for the immense amount of love and support that you all have shown. I will keep everyone updated as to what we find out over the coming months.