A Year Lost...

I know I haven't posted in a while...I seem to be at a lose for words these days (which is a rare for me), but don't worry, I may make up for my lack of words in this post- Be prepared!

Over the past several days, I have done a great deal of reflection upon this past year. I always send out a yearly update with my Christmas card that reflects upon the events of our lives over the course of that year. They are usually accomplishments we made, adventures we took, or big events that happened. This year I sat in front of the computer, just staring at a blank page with absolutely nothing to say to my friends and family regarding anything that would appear exciting to them. Our accomplishments (if you could call them that) have been much more internal.

This year has been made up of doctor's visits, hospital stays, tests, diagnosis', incisions, needles, pee cups, catheters, medication, and tears. Lots and lot's of tears. Outside of that, we have accomplished very little. In a sense it has consumed our lives, especially mine.

We set out on this journey around September of last year. I was officially sick of being sick, and desperately ready to start a family. I began to gather my medical records from the many escapades to the doctor taken in my youth. I did heavy research on the doctors and hospitals in the area. After years of pushing it to the side, I was hoping I would wake up one day and all of my medical problems would have magically disappeared. But that was simply not the case. I had to face the reality that if I ever wanted to be healthy and start a family I was going to have to be a bit more proactive.

It was not an easy journey and it has seemingly consumed a year of my a life. Six doctors, eight surgeries, nine incisions, ten tests, and countless IV's, shots, and urine specimens.I started this year with a surgery in late January and I am closing it with another major surgery at the beginning of December. I am left spending my December childless, on bed rest with a catheter, and an undecorated Christmas tree (I know that it sounds grim, but there is just no way for me to sugar coat it).

I am typically an optimist, one who hates to be around those who are always complaining about their circumstance rather than making the best of what they have been given. Although, my optimism is a little more dim than in years past, I am well aware that the Lord has been by my side, that he has carried me when I could not stand and that his hand has been in all things. I am unbelievably grateful for the team of doctors that have played such a role in diagnosing and treating my conditions. I am grateful for the technology that exists, making their diagnosis and treatments possible. My heart is so full of thanks to the countless prayers offered on our behalf.

In some ways I feel as though I have lost a year of my life, but I am in hopes that because of this year lost, I will gain many more. I have piles of papers and magazines that have stacked up, thank you cards that have not been written, blog postings that have not been made, pictures that have not been taken, and deep cleaning that has not been done. When I wasn't at the doctors, I was working, and when I wasn't working, I was trying to stay ahead, but I was really just falling behind in life and in sleep. My body feels pretty beaten up and exhausted.

Another Surgery:

In a sense, I am at the end of my rope or in other words running out of options. If this next surgery/doctor isn't able to correct things there really isn't much else that can be done.

In early December we drove to Jackson, MS to see a doctor I had never met before, for I surgery I knew very few details about. We were referred to this doctor by my urologists here in Little Rock who had already earned my full trust. We were told that there was only a handful of doctors in the country that could preform this surgery. We were very fortunate that the best one was only 4.5 hours away in Mississippi.

We arrived Tuesday December 1st for my 1 o'clock appointment. He looked over my records, asked me a few questions, did a vaginal exam, and within about 5 minutes gave me a diagnosis of mild female Hypospadias. Female hypospadias is were the urethra opens into the vagina. It is the third most common birth defect in males (with a misplaced opening on the penis), but is extremely rare in females occurring in about 1 in every 500,000 to 1 million births (pretty good odds right...I will add that to my "specialness" list)! The definition of hypospadias, I was already aware that I had, but after years of doctors, surgeries, and personal research...I finally had a name to attach to the definition! And I received that diagnosis after seeing this doctor for 5 measly minutes...he was good! There is very little information about female hypospadias since it is so rare, but more than likely it was caused by my mullerian anomaly which attributed to my uterine malformation.

I informed him that after years of seeing different urologists when I was younger, I was told that I just needed to deal with it and the problems that it caused because there was noway to correct it. I was at total peace when he responded, "well, I am not going to tell you that here". He then scheduled me for surgery first thing on Wednesday, December 2nd.

The surgery went practically "perfect" and we came out with the most "optimal" scenario. I have a few additional scars to add to my collection. My doctor took a skin graft from the vaginal area to rebuild and elongate my urethra, placing it in the appropriate position. He also did a pelvic sling which required an additional deep skin graft taken from the abdomen, along with a 3.5" incision for the placement of the sling (creating an upside down "T" or anchor-like design on my stomach).

With both of these corrections (along with the previous correction of my left ureter done in April), it will "ideally" eliminate my chronic urinary tract infections (UTI), and mild urinary incontinence (which up until today I have never had the bravery to discuss or admit I suffered from on this blog). It is one of those things, that as a child/teenager you hold very close because of the embarrassment from such a condition. The more I open up and share that detail with others, the more I learn that although my scenerio/cause is much different, I am not alone. Many women are plagued with such a condition after child birth and age.

I spent 4 days in the hospital and returned home from Jackson with a urethral catheter. I have not been allowed to sit for 3 weeks while my catherter is in place. I know that sounds like an easy task but it's not! I travel back to Jackson tomorrow to have my catherter removed and x-rays taken to assure that everything healed properly.

The reconstructive operation is very complex, due to the female anatomy and the lack of females diagnosed with the condition. Their are several potential problems that can arise (all of which can be corrected with minor surgery) if things do not heal properly. But in essence, I am fixed! Well, at least as best as I can be. I have a lot of new and improve plumbing, but I am still missing a few crucial parts to conceive naturally. But because of this, I can hopefully live a more healthy life which in turn will allow me to be a better mother when the opportunity is given to me. That is my year...thanks for all of your prayers and support!

P.S. I hope this all makes sense...I am still somewhat medicated from surgery ; )

Thankful

Through all of this adversity, I am still well aware of my blessings and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I have had several people make the comment that maybe the reason we are in Arkansas is to get all of my medical "stuff" straightened out with the "right" doctor. I am not sure I could say that was the only reason we were sent here but I do feel that it has maybe played a major roll in our being here.

I have seen six urologists in three states over the course of 13 years and it wasn't untill a few months ago that one of them, Dr. Brizzolara, had an answer for me (and better yet...a solution). I am so thankful for my amazing doctor here in Arkansas. He has earned my total and complete trust and has shown me compassion, concern, and understanding. He went out of his way to check on me during my hospital stay, often coming at 4:30 and 5 in the morning before he went into his office for work.

I am grateful for Dr. Moutos, my wonderful fertility doctor, that started this recent medical journey for me. He acted quickly to find the problem and he gave me hope that I might could get pregnant though IVF. He explained in detail but yet in simple language what a unicornuate uterus meant and how it would affect me. He gave me fascinating pictures of my "insides" from my HSG and laparoscopy and jokingly told me that I could put them to my scrapbook.

I am so thankful for the amazing technology that was available to both of these amazing doctors that they were able to diagnose and treat my problems so effectively. I am thankful that I have the option of IVF available to me so that one day I might be able to carry my own child. It is quite amazing what they can do now compared to just 10 or 20 years ago.

I am not typically a big fan of taking pills, but I have certainly come to appreciate them a little more latley. I am thankful for pain medications and epidurals so that all these procedures that I have undergone would be a little more bearable. I am grateful for antibiotics which have saved my kidneys from further damage from infections. I appreciate that I am not afraid, and never have been, of needles because I have had alot of them poke me. There have also been several other medications that have helped me along the way to improve my way of life and allow me to function when I otherwise might have not.

I am grateful for good health insurance making my care both possible and financially feasible. I am grateful to my husbands company for allowing him to take time off work frequently without using vacation pay to be at my appointments and procedures. I am so thankful for my husband and his love and support through times when I am sure I was hard to love and support. I appreciate the many times when he has simply held me while I cried.

And last but certainly not least, I am so thankful for my loving Heavenly Father, who knows me and has never left me through my times of struggle. I am grateful for his hand in all of these amazing blessing that I have listed above. It is by him and through him that I am still standing. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and these are just a few...

The Lords Sense of Humor

A few weeks ago I was asked to speak in church. I find that I love the opportunity to write my talks, I just never particularly love giving them. The subject I was asked to speak on was "Finding Strength in Challenging Times". Coincidence....I think not. Now what seems to make this situation a little more humorous is the fact the just over a year ago I was asked to speak on Mother's Day regarding "Motherhood".

As you might imagine, both subjects were extremely hard for me to share my thoughts and feeling while attempting to stay composed in front of a congregation. I have mentioned several times that I am typically not an emotional person (although the Lord is trying to prove otherwise). If you have ever discussed my situation and circumstance with me you have probably found that I am fairly emotionless regarding the topic. I guess this is my way of coping and attempting to appear stronger than I sometimes think I am. I have found (especially over the past three months), it has become less and less easy for me to hold back the tears when discussing such a subject. I find that even the site of a new mother and her little one, or walking by the children's department in a store, will make my eyes welt up with tears right on the spot.

I decided I would simply just read my talk to the congregation in hopes that I might keep my emotions in check. I stayed fairly composed for a subject that has become dear to my heart over the course of this year. I wish to share some of what I gathered for my talk... my emotions on the subject, and excerpts that I shared on "Finding Strength in Challenging Times".

I have often wondered how anyone could possibly make it through this life, which is filled with hardship and disappointment, without the knowledge and testimony in the Gospel and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

At a young age I had to decide for myself how I wanted to get through my trails. I had to make up my mind whether I wanted my Father in Heaven on my side or if I wanted to fight against him. At the tender age of 12, I underwent a challenging surgery that would forever change the course of my life. I was somewhat forced to grow up quickly as I spent several months in and out of doctors offices and recovering from multiple surgeries all in hopes to find an explanation or solution to several medical mysteries.

There came a day where the thoughts and feelings of bitterness towards the Lord and my then current situation, crept into my mind and heart. In my 12 year old mentality, I was trying desperately to understand the burning question in my mind, "why me?" It was typically followed by the classic second half to this question, "what did I do, to deserve this?"

The way I saw it, I had two options: I could either blame the Lord, or learn from this experience. Thankfully, over time and through much prayer, I chose option number 2 and it has made all the difference in my life.

In D&C 122:7 we read, "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good".

I have tried to keep this in mind as I have continued down a road that sometimes feels to be far off course than what I had mapped out for myself. I often try to convince myself that because of these experiences, I will appreciate motherhood and my future children all the more.

Alexandre Dumas, in his classic tale The Count of Monte Cristo, wrote, "For the happy man prayer is only a jumble of words, until the day when sorrow comes to explain to him the sublime language by means of which he speaks to God."

Unfortunately, for many of us, it takes a challenging time or trial in our lives to finally bring us to our knees. As Quoted in a talk given by Elder Rex D. Pinegar, "Our Father in Heaven has promised us peace in times of trial and has provided a way for us to come to Him in our need. He has given us the privilege and power of prayer.

The older I have become the more I have learned that tragic things happen to good people. God does not always cause them, nor does He always prevent them. He does, however, strengthen us and bless us with his peace, through earnest prayer. "We need to pray...for strength to endure, for faith and fortitude to face what sometimes must be faced (The Man and the Message)."

In the words of a popular LDS hymn we sing:

"When sore trials came upon you,

Did you think to pray?...

Oh, how praying rests the weary!

Prayer will change the night to day.

So, when life gets dark and dreary,

Don't forget to pray."

There is no doubt we live in a world plagued with tremendous turmoil, trials, heartache, sorrows, and grief. These are certainly challenging times, but there is peace through prayer and faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that the Lord does not abandon us in our times of despair. The Lord knows us, he love us, and he will not leave us to stand alone if we seek his hand in all things. I have felt this through me personal trials, and I am grateful for all I have learned through such an experience.

Medical Jargon

Now that everything has pretty much been diagnosed, I thought I would take this opportunity to "spell it all out" for you. There have been multiple questions from friends and family on my condition and I hope this will clarify my situation and diagnosis in better detail than I have previously done. It's a good lesson in female development that every female should know and understand. It is also my hope that one day this information might find someone who has a similar situation as me to bring them peace to years of unanswered questions and health problems.

Müllerian Anomalies (MA): The uterus, fallopian tubes and upper vagina are made up of two partially fused tubes, which, in embryo development, are known as müllerian ducts (ovaries and lower vagina are not derived from mullerian ducts). These ducts are first present in embryos of both sexes.

In the male embryo, the presence of anti-müllerian hormone (AMH), causes the müllerian structures to disintegrate during early development. They persist in the female because she does not produce AMH.

In females, these ducts run down vertically from flank to pelvic floor in the young embryo and eventually fuse into a double-barreled tube with two loose ends, known as the uterovaginal primordium, or UVP. The double UVP will eventually merge into a single-barreled uterus, cervix and upper vagina, while the loose ends develop into the fallopian tubes. In adulthood, these organs are referred to as the müllerian tract and congenital malformations of this tract are called müllerian anomalies, or MAs.

There are 7 different types of müllerian anomalies. They include agenesis and hypoplasia, bicornuate uterus, unicornuate uterus, uterus didelphys, septate uterus, arcuate uterus, and DES related uterus. I was diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus (UU).

The cause of these conditions/anomalies is fairly unknown. To date, there is no singular cause for müllerian anomalies. Some may be hereditary, others result from an insult to the fetus while in the womb (the T-shaped uterus of fetuses exposed to the DES drug, used to prevent miscarriage between 1940-1970, is the only proven case of this situation), but most cases are simply attributed to random mutation.

Unicornuate Uterus (UU): A unicornuate uterus takes place when one müllerian duct is underdeveloped or fails to develop, causing a banana-shaped half-uterus to form. It may or may not be accompanied by a rudimentary horn, and that other horn may or may not have an endometrial cavity or communicate with the main uterine cavity. A missing kidney or other kidney problems accompany this asymmetric anomaly more than they do other MAs. Adverse pregnancy outcomes are common with UU.

The Statistics: About 2%-4% of women are thought to have some sort of congenital uterine anomaly. Of those 7 anomalies, a unicornuate uterus makes up about 4% (statistics vary) of the total number of diagnosed cases, making it the least common of the uterine abnormalities. About 65% of women diagnosed with a UU will have a rudimentary horn of some kind.

Having a unicornuate uterus unfortunately brings a significant risk of both pregnancy loss and preterm labor, as well as ectopic pregnancies. Of all the MAs, it has shown the highest rate of primary infertility (15%) and the poorest fetal survival (40%). Estimates vary by specific study, but one literature review found pregnancy outcomes in women with unicornuate uteri to be miscarriage in 37%, preterm birth in 16%, and term birth in only 45%.

Doctors believe the miscarriage rate is attributed to abnormalities in the blood supply to the uterus. Per-term labor is thought to be because of space restrictions in the half-uterus and often result in a failed cervix. Doctors may recommend cerclage for women at risk of preterm labor in this situation. It is also found that most babies convieved in a unicornuate uterus will be born breached because of the inability for them to turn properly in preperation for delivary in such a small space.

Kidney System Abnormalities: In the embryo, the müllerian ducts act as scaffolding for the mesonephric ducts, which give rise to the kidneys. Because of this parallel structural relationship, it is common for a kidney or other urinary anomaly to be present with a müllerian anomaly. As mentioned earlier, a missing kidney or other kidney problems accompany this asymmetric anomaly of a unicornuate uterus more than they do other MAs.

Ectopic Ureter: An ectopic ureter is a medical condition where the ureter which carries urine from your kidney to you bladder, terminates at a different site than the bladder wall. In females, the ureters may terminate at the bladder neck/urethra (35%), vestibule (30%), vagina (25%), or uterus (5%). It can be associated with frequent urinary tract infections (UTI), urinary incontinence, and decreased kidney function. Ectopic ureters occur in 0.025% of the population and therefore are extremely rare and often hard to diagnose.

How This Relates To Me: At the beginning of 2009, I underwent an HSG test, which resulted in the diagnosis of the rare anomaly of a left unicornuate uterus. After laproscopic surgery, they found a right (non-communicating) rudimentary horn , which after testing, proved it contained entometerial tissue. This means I was menstruating not only from my left unicornuate uterus but also from my right rudimentary horn. The horn had no outlet, as it was closed off from my uterus, thus my body had been re-absorbing the fluid for roughly some 13 years (I am fortunate it did not result in a rupture).

My left fallopian tube was removed as a teenager (at the age of 12) due to blockage of menstruation upon menarche caused by a vaginal septum. Because my unicornuate uterus is on my left side which no longer has a fallopian tube, there is no communication between my ovary and uterus. Thus, when an egg is released from my ovary it has no path to my uterus to be fertilized (the right ovary and tube are also considered useless since they do not attach to my actual uterus). This results in complete infertility outside of the means of IVF (which then takes into account the risks of the above pregnancy statistics with a UU).

As it is very common for patients diagnosed with a UU to also have an abnormality of the renal (kidney) system, such was my luck. In March of 2009, they discovered an ectopic uterter which had been misdiagnosed for some 13 years. In my case, my left ureter drained into the lower portion of my uterus, which if you read the statistics above, is the most rare of the insertion sites with the presence of such a condition.

Prior to the removal of my above mentioned vaginal septum (at the age of 12), my body had also been re-absorbing the urine drained from my left ureter into my uterus (sounds healthy-huh?). During an extensive surgery, they reconstructed the size of my left ectopic ureter and implanted it back into my bladder (thank goodness for modern day technology). Attributed to years of damage from this condition being misdiagnosed and years of battling infections, I am left with 40% function of my left kidney which will not likely improve.

After a visit to my urologist recently, a nurse at the front desk asked if I was Kara. As I responded yes, she proceeded to tell me, "my goodness...you are one for the history books". I have become quit use to being the "science project" and "show-n-tell" of many doctors. I even jokingly told my urologist that if he wrote about me in a medical journal, I wanted a copy of the article. I try and remind myself that we all have our trials in life...this was simply the one I was blessed to overcome. It brings me tremendous comfort to know that in the life hereafter my broken and somewhat pieced together body will once again be made whole and perfect. I can't wait...

For more information on Mullarian Anomalies, please click here.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I went for my post-op appointment last Thursday in hopes that he would be removing my catheter. It has been causing me a great deal of discomfort at the site where it was stitched into my abdomen traveling into my bladder wall. It also made doing much of anything very challenging unless I was wearing my leg bag. I hated the leg bag...feeling a warm liquid on your leg and knowing it was your urine...not fun! I also never enjoyed walking around with it on and hearing the liquid slosh around. I spent most of my days with my regular catheter bag, but that meant where ever I went in my house I had to have a place to hook it on. Whether it be the rail of my bed, the leg of the chair, a knob on a cabinet, or simply in my hand...life became a little complicated.



Thursday would be just shy of three weeks, so I was desperately wishing that he would be ready to remove it. Dave left work to come and pick me up for the appointment. In preparation for the appointment, I took my strongest pain killer before leaving the house. If he was going to be removing the catheter I wanted to make sure I was drugged up for the experience! Even though he had reassured me that it wasn't going to feel anything like the removal of my incision drain...I secretly didn't believe him.



He came into the room and agreed that because I had an infection and had been experiencing pain around the site of the catheter that it was time to remove it. I questioned him one more time as to whether or not it would hurt like the drain. He attempted to comfort me saying that it would not. He informed me that he never tells anyone how painful the drains are to remove otherwise no one would ever let him take them out. Those words were very reassuring (sigh) because I was beginning to think that I was just the biggest wuss in the world!



The nurse came in to remove it...snipped out the stitches, and told me to take a deep breath. At this point it was all sounding much like what they said when they removed my drain (if this is not making sense, please refer to Wednesday under "My Five Day Stay In The Hospital"). I took my deep breath, somewhat clinching the bed in expectation of sever pain as the tube was pulled from my abdomen. A slight sting was all I felt...you can imagine my relief! She then informed me that the whole in my abdomen would close up within 24 hours.



The doctor returned and instructed me to empty my bladder "often". We then proceeded to discuss how I was recovering. I BRAGGED at the fact that my stent had not really been bothering me, contrary to what I had heard about the PAIN they can cause. This is the point in which I took a massive bit of "humble pie". He proceeded to inform me that I may experience "more pain" from the stent now that I would be urinating normally.





I walked out of the office feeling like I was on cloud 9 (even though I actually threw up on the drive home and several times when I finally arrived home...but that is beside the point). When I returned home, I went pee for the first time in three weeks...whoohoo! It was a little painful, but I figured that was expected since it had been so long. I was exhausted after the big outing and from getting sick therefore I laid down for a nap. Upon waking up my whole world had suddenly changed.



I went to the bathroom again, and again, and again...each time it became more and more excruciatingly painful. I would sit on the toilet shaking in pain as my eyes would water up. I suddenly was very much AWARE of my stent! For three weeks, I had wanted nothing more than for my catheter to be removed and now I could think of nothing I wanted GREATER than to have it back in! And so the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for".



During the day I have to go to the bathroom about every 30 minutes to an hour and at night I have to set my alarm to wake me up every few hours to get up and go to the bathroom. Each time I go, the pain is agonizing, and nothing seems to take the edge off. I have two more weeks with the stent in before it is removed. I have been very humbled by this whole experience. It is ever so clear that now matter how bad something is...there is always something worse.

Beneath It All..

"Pain is bound to happen, being miserable is a choice"

After missing almost a month of church from surgery, I was finally able to attend on a personal level what seems to be the most dreaded Sunday of the year. Mothers Day is always a harsh reminder of what I am lacking despite our efforts. I have been attempting to emotionally prepare myself almost the entire week for the day filled with gratitude and joy. All in dedication to the most blessed role we can hold as women and that I simply cannot claim as my own.

I sat with eyes full of tears as each of the beautiful talks were shared, hoping that my emotional state went unnoticed by everyone, including my husband. I watched with wishful eyes as my sweet husband played with the baby of my dear friend sitting next to me. I smiled as the baby giggled back at Dave and stuck his hand out to reach for Dave's finger. I was smiling on the outside but beneath that smile, every part of me seemed to be breaking down inside.

At the end of sacrament comes what seems to be the most challenging part of it all... the handing out of a beautiful flower to all the women in the congregation. As they ask us to stand while the youth pass them out, it is always as if my knees cannot find the strength. I pull myself up feeling somewhat undeserving of such a privilege to stand under the circumstance. I have not yet had the chance to earn my flower; I have not paid the price to claim the title of mother. A part of me wants the youth to just skip over me so I won't have to stare at a flower I have not earned. And suddenly I am greeted by a hand holding out a flower for me to take. I unwillingly extend my hand to accept the undeserving gift.

Then comes the after sacrament greetings from friends holding their beautiful children as I sheepishly utter out some form of "Happy Mothers Day" with an all but fake smile plastered across my face. I get the feel from some of their unsurity of how to comfort me in my situation and circumstance on a day such as this. All I wanted to do is make a dash for the nearest door out of the conglomerate of mothers so blessed by little ones in their lives.

I have watched as those who were once by my side through much of my journey through infertility have slowly found their own path to motherhood. Leaving me behind to tread the road on my own. There are days the pain is immense and beneath it all I am crumbling into a thousand piece. On the day set aside to honor motherhood, I find myself in such a predicament... beneath it all...falling apart piece by piece. The good news is tomorrow is a new day!

For all the mothers who have been so blessed with the opportunity to be called such, I do wish you a "Happy Mothers Day". I send a big hug full of gratefulness to my own mother for the tremendous sacrifices she has made on my behalf and for her love. I pray that each one of you realizes your infinite worth and that you recognize the blessings of being a mother. There is no greater honor than the role we have been given as women. I hope that one day, I will be able to share in such joy with you. That one day beneath it all will be the pure joy of claiming the title of "mother" instead of the sorrow from what I know I lack.

Stop This Train…I Wanna Get Off

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping" ~Chinese Proverb

This experience has tested my strength both physically and spiritually more than a few times. I don't know how many times along this journey I have wanted to say, "stop this train, I wanna get off". I have felt on more than one occasion so completely inadequate to keep going; so trodden down to pick myself back up. Each time I reach a new destination, or in other words, overcome another trail...there is this part of me asking, "This is it, right?", "I will be done after this one?". Funny thing is that it never seems to be "it". I haven't finished a race, I can't throw in the towel, and I am certainly not done...

I have come to realize that so often our trials are simply a means to prepare us for...you guessed it, even bigger trials. I know it isn't exactly fun to think of it that way, but I imagine if I were to look at it like this more often, I might have less disappointment and sorrow. I have also found it important to never assume that things can't possibly get any harder, because they inevitably will.

Life is full of surprises, which I am sure isn't news to anyone. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Now speaking for myself, I would say I have had my fair share of both. At times it has been filled with nothing but those "highs", and more recently it seems to be filled with nothing more than the "lows". I am praying that my opportunity for some "highs" is soon in coming. So what do I do till they arrive? I am trying ever so hard to be patient… because there is one thing I know, and that is through adversity comes strength, courage, and blessings. Strength that I am certainly lacking, courage that I desperately need, and blessings that will fill my hearts desires.

After a trip to the ER Monday evening, after complications with my stent and a potential infection, I laid on the hospital bed in excruciating pain. I turned to Dave with my eyes full of tears and simply said, "I can't do this anymore…it is just too hard". His reply was simple, "yes, you can…you already are".

Throughout the course of the past several months, I have reflected a great deal on the Saviors Atonement. Most of my thoughts have been directed towards the peace of knowing that because of His infinite Atonement, he knows every pain my body has relentlessly endured and every sorrow that my heart has felt. More recently, I have turned to those sweet words He uttered to His Father in Heaven in the Garden of Gethsemane, saying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42). Even the Savior Himself asked for deliverance from such hardship. But He, knowing what had to be done, suffered and atoned for each one of us.

The Father knows my heart. As much as I would like to be relieved of such physical pains from surgery and the emotion pains of infertility, it simply isn't up to me. He knows what will strengthen me. He knows what will prepare me for what the future holds. He knows what blessings are in store so long as I submit to his will and not my own. Every part of me wants to stop this train, every part of me wants to get off and try my hand at something a little seemingly easier of a ride. But I WILL keep going… one day at time…step by step.

A Five Day Stay in the Hospital…

Here is an account of my experience in the hospital during my last surgery. It is long and detailed, so if you not interested, please ignore it. I wrote it in detail because I knew I would forget otherwise (especially considering all the meds I was on). During the procedure they reconstructed my left ectopic ureter (ureter-the tube draining urine from the kidney to the bladder) and re-implanted it into my bladder wall. Over the course of my life time it was previously draining urine into my uterus. This obviously creates a myriad of health issues which have finally been resolved. I feel tremendously blessed to have found a doctor who could finally diagnose the problem and to my Heavenly Father for cutting me a break. I am looking forward to a healthier life and for the chance to begin our family by some means undecided by us and the Lord. If you are interested in the details of the most challenging physical, mental, and emotional struggle I have ever faced, please read on….

After 5 days in the hospital, 15 shots, 3 IV's, 3 new incisions, 2 suppositories, 2 catheters, 1 epidural, 1 stent, and lots of medication… I have finally returned home. This experience has been the most challenging physical trial I have ever been through. I went into the surgery prepared for what I knew would be the hardest recovery I would have to face thus far, but nonetheless, I was optimistic! I was optimistic that I was young and healthy and that my recovery would surely be quicker than most. I had no idea just what kind of wake-up call I was in for.

Everything done surgically went just as planned; it was the recovery that would prove differently. Moments before I was taken into the operating room, my doctor strongly recommended that I get an epidural to control my pain during recovery. I am not typically afraid of needles or shots, but I have to admit I was completely beside myself with fear! They gave me a sedative to calm my nerves before giving me the epidural, but I don't think I ever really calmed down until it was done! Dave commented that I wouldn't shut-up and I kept making random comments. The nurse assured him I probably wouldn't remember any of it when I woke up. It wasn't nearly as bad as I think I had made it up to be in my head (the IV's were definitely more painful than the epidural).

My five day hospital stay seemed never ending. My nurses during the day were less than great. The night nurse's seemed to be the most prompt with my care. They came in every few hours to check my blood pressure, pulse, and temperature, so as you might imagine, sleep was seldom and interrupted. Saturday was a difficult day as I couldn't keep anything down. Vomiting is never fun… but vomiting with a large incision in your stomach and 4 tubes hanging from you is horrible. Dave left me for a few hours to go home and take a shower and get some food. During that time they brought me a "wonderfully" prepared hospital meal (no sarcasm intended). It was the first bit of solid food since the operation and I was pretty excited about it. I took it easy but about half way through the meal I started to feel sick. With practically no warning, I threw-up all over my lunch tray. I pressed my nurse call button and informed the nurse's desk I had thrown-up. I figured this would result in someone being sent to help. After waiting for about 10 minutes and trying every attempt possible to not vomit again, I paged the nurse's desk a second time. This time I was in tears and informed them I needed something to throw-up in immediately. After waiting a while they finally came with something for me to throw-up in besides my lunch tray (not that I was planning on eating any more of it anyways). My mom arrived late that evening and dropped by for a quick hello before I fell asleep.

Sunday was the best day I had during my stay in the hospital. Maybe it was because the Lord knew I needed a break since it was the Sabbath. I never threw-up and I was alert and talkative for most of the day. Monday I woke up to more nausea and vomiting and the discouragement that I would not be going home yet. Before the surgery the Doctor said I would have to stay in the hospital for a minimum of three nights but he would judge my stay according to my progress. In the back of my mind, all I heard was three nights, and that is all I had prepared myself for. On the bright side, the doctor ordered my 2^nd (urethra) catheter to be removed, which meant one less tube attached to me! The urethra catheter was very uncomfortable, so its removal brought me a much needed smile.

Tuesday would prove to be my most challenging day. After a very sleepless night, my Doctor came by for a visit at 5:30 in the morning. He informed me that it the end of the time clock with what had become a dear friend, as they would be removing my epidural. The rest of the day was a bit of an awaking as I don't think any of us quit understood how much GOOD the epidural was doing at managing my pain. After its removal, it was very clear how much pain it had been covering up. The pain made me vomit and the vomit created more pain! Most of the pain was resulting from bladder spasms. I was warned prior to my operation that they were very painful and similar to contractions. I was having several problems with my super-pubic catheter draining properly as well. They wheeled me down to radiology to do an x-ray of my abdomen. This was to make sure there were not any twists or kinks in the catheter. The doctor also wanted me to try taking my pain medication by mouth in preparation for my IV removal. It was all I could do to try and keep my pain meds down and the anti-nausea medicine never seemed to help.

Wednesday's early morning doctor's visit was filled with many mixed emotions. I received the exciting news that everything looked as though I would finally be able to return home. He ordered my fluids in my IV to be reduced and removed my JP (incision drain) in preparation for my release. The JP drain is like a suction bulb with a LONG tube attached to the end of it. That tube is inserted into my abdomen to drain fluid from the incision site. The bulb is drained several times a day to measure the amount of fluid the incision is producing. The doctor snipped a few of the stitches around the JP which held it in place. He then proceeded to tell me to take a deep breath...

What took place after that deep breath became a sudden blur of some of the worse sudden pain I have ever experienced in my life. I literally screamed in pain during the removal (I am sure I woke up the entire floor at 6 in morning). The tube felt never ending as he pulled and pulled and pulled. I know this maybe a little graphic, but since this is my way of journaling my experience I will share it. As he pulled I could feel chunks of my flesh coming out with the tube. In that moment, I felt as if my insides were being ripped out and every part of me was ready to call it quits. I laid there in complete tears as he assured me that the removal of my super-pubic catheter would feel nothing like that experience. It wasn't too long after he left that the nausea and vomiting returned. I am sure it was due to the state of shock that I was in after the removal of the JP drain. The rest of the day seemed fairly uneventful until my discharge late that afternoon.

The wheelchair ride to the car and car ride home were both "bumpy", but I survived. Coming home was a huge relief, but also an enormous challenge. I then had to adjust to my "stuff" with my new equipment. I had grown to love the adjustable bed at the hospital (it was really more of a love-hate relationship). It made getting up and down, in and out, much easier. The hospital bed was also equipped with adequate areas to hang my catheter bag (or as I like to call it, my pee bag). At the hospital, I didn't have to worry about getting any "gross stuff" (I will leave that up for interpretation) on my furniture, floor, rugs, ect. I have my post-op appointment next Thursday, and I am really hoping the will remove my super pubic catheter (aka: the "un-super" pubic catheter).

We have been so grateful to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. We have appreciated the generous meals and visits. I still have a long way to go, but things seem to be healing. My mom has been a tremendous help and I have especially enjoyed her company. I hope it is all downhill from here…

Life's pivotal moments

There are times in each one of our lives that leave us changed forever. Moments when we are molded and shaped by our life's experiences. Moments where old chapters end and new chapters begin.

Over the course of my life time, I have had many pivotal moments, many new chapters in my life's book. The past year seems to fill my personal pages with such moments. There are so many changes taking place, not only spiritually, but physically, mentally, and emotionally.

After 12 years of being sick (more severely the past 5 years), I finally have answers, but more importantly solutions! My exploratory surgery, done on the 27th of March, revealed just what the doctor was suspecting. He found a left ectopic ureter (please read previous post for further explanation). Proceeding the surgery, they rushed me over to radiology to run tests on my kidney. The function of my kidney would determine what the best surgical option would be for me. The good news... it functions! The bad news... only about 40% of what is should.

The past several weeks have been a whirl-wind preparing for surgery number three, in less than three months. This surgery will be the most extensive and challenging of them all! Estimated recovery time is 4-6 weeks, 3 weeks of which I will have a FABULOUS catheter (I feel like I am 90... what 24 year old should have to wear a catheter for 3 weeks!). The doctor informed me that I was not allowed to drive and I was to stay home while I have the catheter. As if it was some questions that I would be out and about carrying my lovely pee bag around to show off as a souvenir from my surgery. No, I think I am rather content at home with such a prized possession.

Thankfully, the doctor can go over my old 4"scar (from my major surgery from childhood) because I was really not looking forward to adding another to the collection! I guess you won't find me out on the beach in my bikini this year (not that you would anyways). It is hard to imagine that by the time I am recovered, it will be June. I am pretty much out of commission for the entire month of May.

I have been keeping an extensive to-do list in attempt to make sure everything is in order before I go in for surgery. It is now the eve of the big day and the last thing left on my list is to blog about this pivotal moment in my life. This is a moment I have waited, hoped, and dreamed about. I will leave for the surgery tomorrow morning with all my urinary problems and return home with brand new plumbing. It is expected that I will no longer suffer from UTI's and Kidney infections, but only time will tell. Either way, I know this is a new chapter in my book, and one that I hope will be much healthier. It is a pivotal moment that I hope will lead to a chapter on motherhood.

Sick and Tired...

It's official... I am "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired"!

Last night I went to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy to pick up a prescription for another (sigh) UTI. As I approached the counter, the pharmacist, quickly recognized me and attempted to guess my last name. Thankful, she got it wrong, otherwise I think I would have cried (okay, so that would be a little over dramatic... but you get the point). She did reassure me that one of these days she was going to have it memorized. Just why would there be a need for her to memorize my last name... 'cause I practically live at the place these days!

On Monday I will go in for surgery number two, in less than two months! I am finally working with a urologist who is actively seeking a solution to my problems and not just treating my symptoms. It will be an exploratory type surgery to get a better look at my urinary system. It is his impression that I could potentially have an ectopic left ureter. Your ureter is what carries urine from your kidneys into your bladder (you have two, one on each side). If it is ectopic, it means that it has an insertion point other than the bladder. All of my tests, procedures and symptoms, thus far point to this diagnosis, but as I have come to learn, there is no guarantee this is what they will find.

Of all the uterine abnormalities, a unicornuate uterus is most often seen with some sort of renal (kidney) anomaly as well. For many patients diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus, it is discovered that they only have one kidney or a misshapen kidney. Thankfully, I have both kidneys, but it is sounding like I could have some abnormalities in other parts of that same system. If an ectopic ureter is found, there are two solutions. The first and most appealing, is if my kidney is found to be functioning properly; they can just re-route my ureter. The second scenario, would be if my kidney is found only producing water instead of urine. If this is the case, they would have to remove my left renal system (kidney, ureter) entirely.

I never would have imagined that the health problems I have endured would be so closely related and stem back to one simple diagnosis of a unicornuate uterus. For the majority of my life, they were treated as individual issues/symptoms. It is now clear that it needs to be treated as one whole condition with multiple medical issues stemming from it. I have adjusted to being the science project to many doctors as they observe my rare medical scenario.

I have to admit I am almost hopeful that it is an ectopic ureter. It seems a little strange to hope for such a diagnosis as this, but it would mean an answer and a solution. An answer to so many frustrating and wearing health issue. It would potentially mean no more UTI's or kidney infections. I have imagined the doctor informing me of the diagnosis and there being tears of joy rather than of sadness. Joy that I might not have to live the rest of my life being "sick and tired". Joy that we may soon be able to start IVF treatments, and thus our family, without another odd fighting against us. It seems to be a dream worth dreaming...

The Common Thread

If there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it is that I am not alone. My situation may be unique... but the outcome of infertility is not. The more I open my mouth and let others in, the more I realize just how many are struggling with infertility as well. I have found hope and peace, strength and courage from those with whom I share this one common thread. Having a network of friends that I can lean on for understanding or a listening ear has meant so much to me over the past few months. Often times it is with people with whom I have never even met or barely even know. That thread is what links each one of us together, and it is often times, what holds each one of us together through such a trail.

My sidebar contains a list of friends with whom have shared this common tread with me, and the type of infertility they suffer from. I know that this list is incomplete... I am not aware of the names of some of the conditions these women suffer from and I also know that this list will continue to grow as I create that common thread with new friends. If you are on my list please send me the proper abbreviations that link to your name (if you wish to be removed from the list completely, please let me know). For a list of abbreviations, please click here or visit the link entitled "Terms and Abbreviations" on my sidebar - if you do not see the applicable abbreviation for you, make one up! If you know of those who would like to be a part of my infertile network, please send them a link to my blog, I would love to get to know them.

I have also created a logo (picture above) or blog button that you can add to your blog with a link to your story. If you have any ideas on how I could expound on this network or networking system, please let me know.

There really is truth to the phrase, "strength in numbers". I hope that we can all lift and strengthen each other through our struggles and our one common thread.

Pieces

My surgery to remove my right uterine horn (which had no communication with my actual uterus and was suspected to have endometrosis) finally arrived last Tuesday. Everything went well and as planned and I am recovering. This surgery has left me with feelings and emotions that I don't typically allow myself to have. It is as if the surgery just sucked all of the positivity and optimism right out of me. The reality that my body will never allow me to conceive a child naturally has set in more than ever. The reality of how I was born, and what has been taken and removed, and how it simply cannot be fixed or replaced is clear.

I returned to work this Wednesday and to the love and concern of the people with whom I work with. The other designer I work with asked for a better explanation than I had previously given her of just what exactly they did. The best way I knew to explain it was by drawing a picture. I pulled out my sticky notes and drew what a normal uterus looks like and gave a brief explanation of the parts (uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries). Then, right below that image, I drew what my anatomy looked like when I was born. That image was followed, by how my anatomy looks now (after two surgeries). When I glanced down at my own drawing, I realized just how pitiful it looked. And not just because of my artistic inabilities, but rather that there really wasn't much there. It was all just a bunch of PIECES, none of which do what they are suppose to do.

I am left with two fabulous ovaries. The right has a fallopian tube to communicate with, but no uterus communication. The left side contains my unicornuate uterus (half the normal uterus), but does not have a fallopian tube to make communication between my uterus and left ovary(my left fallopian tube was removed as a child). Simply put... a bunch of useless PIECES, a scar covered tummy, and no baby to hold and call my own.

Follow-up

As a follow-up to my last post entitled, "Avoiding the Why Me's" I wanted to share the following. In this post I shared a few of my feelings and thoughts on the possibility that we chose our trails in the pre earth life. My sweet friend shared a story on her blog in relation to what I had said. It is such a touching story, and it brought tears to my eyes. Her family has been blessed through adoption and is currently trying to adopt again. Please visit the following link to read the story which she shared...

Click Here

Avoiding the "Why Me"

I know it has been a while since I posted. I guess I figured that if I didn't talk about it then it all might go away, but I was, unfortunately, wrong. The past several nights I have laid in bed, contemplating my situation and the emotions that usually follow when I do so. Every time I do this, the "why me's" seem to creep into my mind. In an attempt to push them out, I decided to try and think of every trial or challenge that those around me have been faced with or are facing in their own lives. As I would do this, I would ask myself, "would I prefer this trail over my struggles". Each time I answered, it was a resonating "no".

Now, I agree, that some of these trials or challenges seemed a little easier than my own. But what I realized is that I would not be the person I am today if I had been faced with some of the seemingly easier earthly tests. On the contrary, there were also many trials that seemed much harder than the ones I face. The weight of these struggles would be unbearable. I am not sure that I am strong enough to face these trails (I would like to think I would be, but in reality I doubt I am).

I like to think of it this way... Maybe, just maybe, in our pre-earth lives with our Heavenly Father, we sat down with him and helped choose our earthly struggles. I imagine a big long list that seemed to extend forever of all the earthly trails that one might face in this life. I picture reading through each one until I came across the struggles for me, in which I would respond, "sign me up for this one", "I think I am strong enough for this trial", "Oh, and this one too... I could learn so much from this trial". I envision my Heavenly Father guiding me through the list, helping me to choose the trials most suited for me. I imagine He would then explain why it will be important for me to experience these trails in my life, but more importantly, why it is important that I overcome each one. Now, I am not sure that this is really how it works, but it gives me peace and strength to think that maybe I knew of the hardships I would face in this earthly life and that I gladly accepted them, knowing that if I endured each one I would be a stronger individual. It also brings me peace to know that the Lord will never test you beyond that which you are capable of bearing.

At times, it is so hard to understand why there are so many blessed with children who don't even want them or care for them. And then there are those who pray each and everyday that they might be blessed with a child to hold in their arms only to be empty handed. I cringe each time I hear an ungrateful mother talk of her annoyance of raising children, the supposed sacrifice of her career that she is making, or her slim figure. My heart breaks as I watch a mother yell uncontrollably at her child in the middle of the store or when I hear the news reports of a mother dumping her baby in a dumpster or leaving their baby to die in their crib because they are too drugged up to realize what they are doing. Each time I can't help but think, "I can do better than that and yet I am the one who can't get pregnant". We have all heard the phrase (probably from our parents) that "life just isn't fair". This certainly seems to sum up the emotions that creep into my mind and heart..."why me, it's just not fair".

I don't always understand the Lords plan or timing for me. But what I do know is that there is a reason for everything. I can choose to take my life's challenges and be bitter or I can choose to learn and grow from them. When my opportunity comes for me to hold a child of my own in my arms, I pray that I will remember what it was like to go though each day empty handed for so long. I pray that it will cause me to be a better mother than I might have been otherwise, that I will never take for granted a single day that I have to spend with my child. I have longed and waited, I have cried and prayed... and because of all this I have a greater appreciation of motherhood. I am trying to change those "why me's" into seeing this experience as a blessing. A blessing and opportunity to love my future child more fully and to never take for grated the amazing blessings of motherhood.