60 Days and Counting…

"Even miracles take a little time" –Cinderella

 

For Christmas my mom gave me a small table plaque with the above quote from the movie Cinderella. The moment I read those few words they gave peace to my aching heart. When we set out on our journey to become parents several year ago, I never could have imagined I would still be empty handed 5 years later. I am confident that our MIRACLE will come when the Lord feels we are ready, it just may take a little more time than I originally anticipated. 

That same quote has certainly had significant impact on me as my process of healing from my recent surgery has been much longer than I or anyone else originally anticipated. 60 DAYS later, I still have a catheter as I have experienced immense difficulty urinating on my own. We have done a great deal of praying for a miracle, praying that further surgery would not be necessary and that I would be able to pee normally. In the Lords time…he has granted me days of triumph, sometime followed by days of sorrow. But the simple fact that I have seen days of triumph are small miracles in my eyes. 

Following my emergency surgery two days before Christmas, my doctor gave me two weeks to try and pee on my own. Much of that time, I saw little, if any progress. The Sunday before the two week mark a few ladies I serve with at church decided to fast for me. We then asked several members of our family if they would also join in a fast on my behalf. That same Sunday, I used the restroom in between meetings at church and to my surprise…I went pee! Words cannot describe the overwhelming feeling that flooded my body as I sat there on the toilet with eyes full of tears. It had taken a little time, but I had truly seen a MIRACLE. That miracle has been followed by several more miracles which have led me through 36 additional days with a catheter. 

I still have a long way to go, but my doctor seems reassured with my resent progress. There are days that I am almost entirely able to go on my own, and other days where I can only get out a few drops. Isn't it funny how we forget to appreciate the simple things that Heavenly Father has blessed us with…like the ability to go pee? I know I certainly took advantage of this simple task until my body wasn't able to do it anymore. MIRACLES can and do happen, sometimes they just take a little time. 

Please continue to pray for my progress…it means so much!

Hoping for a Miracle

Over the course of the past few days there has been one word that seems to have been ingrained upon my mind, and that word is "hope". At this point, I feel as though hope is about all I can do. I hope that I will find peace in my heart, I hope that I will have strength and courage to endure, I hope that I can fight all the odds that seem to be against me, but most of all, I hope for a miracle.

As I have been looking online for what little information is available on this rare abnormality, I came across a website dedicated to stories of women who suffer from this same condition. Although each of their stories is slightly different from my own, there is still one commonality, "hope". I read through each story of success as tears streamed down my face. In my moment of despair and doubt, the Lord knew that I needed some hope to hold onto and he provided just that.

Yesterday those same feelings of despair snuck back into my heart and I knew I needed something to lift my spirit. There on my nightstand laid the General Conference Report in the Ensign magazine published by our church. I went to the topic index and browsed over each subject. The topic of hope seemed to jump off the page in big bold letters. It referenced a talk given by Elder Uchtdorf entitled, "The Infinite Power of Hope". I sat down in my chair, pulled out a highlighter and read the beautiful talk he had given on the subject of hope. He states, "hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence-when this desire of our heart is delayed-can make the heart sick". He later talks about how "the adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness".

Throughout the 5 years Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant, I have felt as though I have kept a positive outlook in my situation. Not to say that there were not hard days, but I felt as though I battled each one triumphantly. Last Thursday, all of that positivity was suddenly drained away and I was left with feelings of doubt, frustration, anger, pain, and heartache. In my naive understanding, the outcome that I was given wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I went to the doctor for answers, and with those answers I expected solutions. I could have never imagined that my infertility would be something that was incurable and unfixable. It was hard for me to fathom that I had overcome my medical challenges as a child and that I would be faced with even more in adulthood.

As I have tried to drive such thoughts and feelings from my mind and heart, I am reminded of Elder Uchtdorfs words from his talk, "There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope… never give in, never surrender, never allow despair to overcome your spirit.". He defines hope as the following, "Hope… is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear".

"Hope is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered" (Elder Uchtdorf). In the days ahead, it is my prayer that my hope will overcome my despair. And as I continue down my road to motherhood, I will be hoping and praying for a miracle.