A fellow infertile blogger wrote a letter to a friend who was also struggling with infertility and miscarriage. She chose to share the letter on her blog for the thousands out there who need to hear her well chosen words. In the letter she addresses the grief cycle. If you ever took a psychology class in college (one of my favorite general ed requirement classes), you have probably learned about this cycle. There are numerous ways of illustrating the cycle, but I have chosen to use the chart shown below:
I have traveled in and out of many stages of the grief cycle during my journey through infertility and medical challenges. In some of these stages, I have spent more time in than others. I have gone backwards rather than forwards and skipped a few only to go back to them at a later time, but either way I have spent my fair share in each stage with the exception of the end result. I have found that seeing a new baby, the site of baby products, or hearing of a friend or relative who is pregnant has a way of catapulting me back into certain stages for brief periods of time. It is simply unpredictable.
I won't go into detail about my experiences in each stage, but I do wish to elaborate on the most recent stage I am in. Acceptance. It feels good even typing that. Several weeks ago, as I was saying my evening prayers, I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father and expressed that I was okay with whatever way he chose to bless us with children. It is easy to say your okay with adoption, but it takes a little more than just saying. You have to truly feel okay about it to. I feel embarrassed to even say that I might not have been okay with it , but lets be honest, it isn't a decision most people are never faced with. It is something I have always thought about, but when it become a reality it was a little harder to swallow.
Thanks to lots of prayers, a visit to a dear friend in Utah last April, and lots of patience from the Lord I have come to accept that I may never carry my own child. In whatever manner the Lord blesses us with children it will be wonderful! Weather it be through IVF, adoption, or a miracle from God, I will find complete joy in having a child to call my own and to be a part of our eternal family. It took a long time for me to entirely feel like I was accepting of all options available to me, but I am now. The ball is in the Lords court and we are just waiting for him to tell us by what means we should pursue children. And that answer has not come.
Just as I have made strides in the sorrow of my infertility, I have also had several realizations regarding my health. The past several months have been terribly hard on me as I have had infection after infection (often without a break). I have certainly passed through many of the darker sides of the grief cycle with my recent health conditions. I have questioned weather I should have pursued all that I did to make me better when at times I only feel worse. I have felt feelings of frustration towards my Doctor even though he has been amazing in every way. And I have most certainly felt helpless.
The conclusion that I finally have come to is not something I like to think about. It is a thought I have fought more than once, but at the same time it could be the reality of my situation. Some people are born with terrible abnormalities that cannot be repaired. Some people experience horrible accidents that cause paralysis or other challenges. We cannot always avoid such situations nor can we correct them. Thankfully my condition is internal. Most people will never know of my medical conditions. They typically cannot see when I am sick.
We are all given trials in life. Some only stay with us for a short period of time, while others are left to carry the burden of their trails throughout their earthly life. For so long I approached my condition as a race in which there was a finish line. The truth is I don't know if there will be a finish line in this earthly life. My medical struggles may be something that I carry with me throughout the remainder of my days. It has always been "when I am healthy" or "when they fix that problem". I am not sure I will ever be healthy nor do I know if they will find solutions to all of my medical concerns. It is a hard concept to grasp, but I at least have to learn to understand that it may be the reality.
I am who I am. Healthy or sick...happy or sad. And I have to learn to make the most of life either way. The sweet and inspired words of the mother of Joseph B. Wirthlin come to mind, "come what may, and love it". That is all I can do. Learn to love the life (and body) I have been given and he will carry me through the trails.
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