Good Things to Come

Have you ever have that experience where you feel the Lord is speaking directly to you through someone else? 

I have been so discouraged over the past several months as my body has decided to do anything but cooperate! I have felt so frustrated by it all, and somewhat hopeless that they will ever find a solution to my urological problems. With every advance they make my body seems to take ten steps backwards and I am left with more problems than what I dealt with before. It has been a time of finding myself and and deciding what I am made of.

A little over a month ago, my body developed the first major urinary tract infection since post-surgery.  My doctor quickly prescribed a 10 day regimen of antibiotics and requested I return upon finishing them to give another urine specimen to confirm it was clean. After 10 days of medicine, I still had an infection. They cultured the urine, determined the best antibiotic to kill that particular bacteria, and put me on an addition 10 day regimen of a different antibiotic.

Last Wednesday I returned to give my third urine sample and I am pretty convinced I still have the infection! I should find out what the results of the culture are tomorrow, but since I have completed my last course of medicine I already have begun to see traces of blood in my urine again (sigh).

There are moments when all I want to do is through my hands in the air I declare, "I give up"! I am simply not strong enough, emotionally and physically, to continue fighting this battle. In these moments I have to dig deep to find hope and peace. I often hold on to the sweet words of a co-worker and friend who once gave me the perfect analogy that has carried me through a lot of rough days.

"It is like I am on the last leg of a long race...I am tired and worn out and I don't much feel like continuing on. I am ready to give up, but if I just push through this last little part, my reward will be sweet and my joy will be full." I will be able to declare that although it was a long and hard race, I pushed through, and it was a journey worth finishing.

Tonight, I came across the video posted below. It is of Elder Holland as he recalls his days as a poor young father with a broken down family car. On that challenging day from his past, he wishes he could have told himself the following,

"Don't you quit, you keep walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessing come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ...they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

Those words couldn't be more perfect and more inspired. They have filled my heart with a much needed peace and comfort. I pray that in your own struggles, these words will find your heart and touch your soul as they have mine. In the profound words of Elder Holland, "Everyone of us has times when we need to know that things will get better." "It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

{Please turn off the music before playing}

*To watch the video in full screen click here.

Beneath It All..

"Pain is bound to happen, being miserable is a choice"

After missing almost a month of church from surgery, I was finally able to attend on a personal level what seems to be the most dreaded Sunday of the year. Mothers Day is always a harsh reminder of what I am lacking despite our efforts. I have been attempting to emotionally prepare myself almost the entire week for the day filled with gratitude and joy. All in dedication to the most blessed role we can hold as women and that I simply cannot claim as my own.

I sat with eyes full of tears as each of the beautiful talks were shared, hoping that my emotional state went unnoticed by everyone, including my husband. I watched with wishful eyes as my sweet husband played with the baby of my dear friend sitting next to me. I smiled as the baby giggled back at Dave and stuck his hand out to reach for Dave's finger. I was smiling on the outside but beneath that smile, every part of me seemed to be breaking down inside.

At the end of sacrament comes what seems to be the most challenging part of it all... the handing out of a beautiful flower to all the women in the congregation. As they ask us to stand while the youth pass them out, it is always as if my knees cannot find the strength. I pull myself up feeling somewhat undeserving of such a privilege to stand under the circumstance. I have not yet had the chance to earn my flower; I have not paid the price to claim the title of mother. A part of me wants the youth to just skip over me so I won't have to stare at a flower I have not earned. And suddenly I am greeted by a hand holding out a flower for me to take. I unwillingly extend my hand to accept the undeserving gift.

Then comes the after sacrament greetings from friends holding their beautiful children as I sheepishly utter out some form of "Happy Mothers Day" with an all but fake smile plastered across my face. I get the feel from some of their unsurity of how to comfort me in my situation and circumstance on a day such as this. All I wanted to do is make a dash for the nearest door out of the conglomerate of mothers so blessed by little ones in their lives.

I have watched as those who were once by my side through much of my journey through infertility have slowly found their own path to motherhood. Leaving me behind to tread the road on my own. There are days the pain is immense and beneath it all I am crumbling into a thousand piece. On the day set aside to honor motherhood, I find myself in such a predicament... beneath it all...falling apart piece by piece. The good news is tomorrow is a new day!

For all the mothers who have been so blessed with the opportunity to be called such, I do wish you a "Happy Mothers Day". I send a big hug full of gratefulness to my own mother for the tremendous sacrifices she has made on my behalf and for her love. I pray that each one of you realizes your infinite worth and that you recognize the blessings of being a mother. There is no greater honor than the role we have been given as women. I hope that one day, I will be able to share in such joy with you. That one day beneath it all will be the pure joy of claiming the title of "mother" instead of the sorrow from what I know I lack.

Stop This Train…I Wanna Get Off

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping" ~Chinese Proverb

This experience has tested my strength both physically and spiritually more than a few times. I don't know how many times along this journey I have wanted to say, "stop this train, I wanna get off". I have felt on more than one occasion so completely inadequate to keep going; so trodden down to pick myself back up. Each time I reach a new destination, or in other words, overcome another trail...there is this part of me asking, "This is it, right?", "I will be done after this one?". Funny thing is that it never seems to be "it". I haven't finished a race, I can't throw in the towel, and I am certainly not done...

I have come to realize that so often our trials are simply a means to prepare us for...you guessed it, even bigger trials. I know it isn't exactly fun to think of it that way, but I imagine if I were to look at it like this more often, I might have less disappointment and sorrow. I have also found it important to never assume that things can't possibly get any harder, because they inevitably will.

Life is full of surprises, which I am sure isn't news to anyone. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Now speaking for myself, I would say I have had my fair share of both. At times it has been filled with nothing but those "highs", and more recently it seems to be filled with nothing more than the "lows". I am praying that my opportunity for some "highs" is soon in coming. So what do I do till they arrive? I am trying ever so hard to be patient… because there is one thing I know, and that is through adversity comes strength, courage, and blessings. Strength that I am certainly lacking, courage that I desperately need, and blessings that will fill my hearts desires.

After a trip to the ER Monday evening, after complications with my stent and a potential infection, I laid on the hospital bed in excruciating pain. I turned to Dave with my eyes full of tears and simply said, "I can't do this anymore…it is just too hard". His reply was simple, "yes, you can…you already are".

Throughout the course of the past several months, I have reflected a great deal on the Saviors Atonement. Most of my thoughts have been directed towards the peace of knowing that because of His infinite Atonement, he knows every pain my body has relentlessly endured and every sorrow that my heart has felt. More recently, I have turned to those sweet words He uttered to His Father in Heaven in the Garden of Gethsemane, saying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42). Even the Savior Himself asked for deliverance from such hardship. But He, knowing what had to be done, suffered and atoned for each one of us.

The Father knows my heart. As much as I would like to be relieved of such physical pains from surgery and the emotion pains of infertility, it simply isn't up to me. He knows what will strengthen me. He knows what will prepare me for what the future holds. He knows what blessings are in store so long as I submit to his will and not my own. Every part of me wants to stop this train, every part of me wants to get off and try my hand at something a little seemingly easier of a ride. But I WILL keep going… one day at time…step by step.

Hoping for a Miracle

Over the course of the past few days there has been one word that seems to have been ingrained upon my mind, and that word is "hope". At this point, I feel as though hope is about all I can do. I hope that I will find peace in my heart, I hope that I will have strength and courage to endure, I hope that I can fight all the odds that seem to be against me, but most of all, I hope for a miracle.

As I have been looking online for what little information is available on this rare abnormality, I came across a website dedicated to stories of women who suffer from this same condition. Although each of their stories is slightly different from my own, there is still one commonality, "hope". I read through each story of success as tears streamed down my face. In my moment of despair and doubt, the Lord knew that I needed some hope to hold onto and he provided just that.

Yesterday those same feelings of despair snuck back into my heart and I knew I needed something to lift my spirit. There on my nightstand laid the General Conference Report in the Ensign magazine published by our church. I went to the topic index and browsed over each subject. The topic of hope seemed to jump off the page in big bold letters. It referenced a talk given by Elder Uchtdorf entitled, "The Infinite Power of Hope". I sat down in my chair, pulled out a highlighter and read the beautiful talk he had given on the subject of hope. He states, "hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence-when this desire of our heart is delayed-can make the heart sick". He later talks about how "the adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness".

Throughout the 5 years Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant, I have felt as though I have kept a positive outlook in my situation. Not to say that there were not hard days, but I felt as though I battled each one triumphantly. Last Thursday, all of that positivity was suddenly drained away and I was left with feelings of doubt, frustration, anger, pain, and heartache. In my naive understanding, the outcome that I was given wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I went to the doctor for answers, and with those answers I expected solutions. I could have never imagined that my infertility would be something that was incurable and unfixable. It was hard for me to fathom that I had overcome my medical challenges as a child and that I would be faced with even more in adulthood.

As I have tried to drive such thoughts and feelings from my mind and heart, I am reminded of Elder Uchtdorfs words from his talk, "There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope… never give in, never surrender, never allow despair to overcome your spirit.". He defines hope as the following, "Hope… is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear".

"Hope is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered" (Elder Uchtdorf). In the days ahead, it is my prayer that my hope will overcome my despair. And as I continue down my road to motherhood, I will be hoping and praying for a miracle.