A Five Day Stay in the Hospital…

Here is an account of my experience in the hospital during my last surgery. It is long and detailed, so if you not interested, please ignore it. I wrote it in detail because I knew I would forget otherwise (especially considering all the meds I was on). During the procedure they reconstructed my left ectopic ureter (ureter-the tube draining urine from the kidney to the bladder) and re-implanted it into my bladder wall. Over the course of my life time it was previously draining urine into my uterus. This obviously creates a myriad of health issues which have finally been resolved. I feel tremendously blessed to have found a doctor who could finally diagnose the problem and to my Heavenly Father for cutting me a break. I am looking forward to a healthier life and for the chance to begin our family by some means undecided by us and the Lord. If you are interested in the details of the most challenging physical, mental, and emotional struggle I have ever faced, please read on….

After 5 days in the hospital, 15 shots, 3 IV's, 3 new incisions, 2 suppositories, 2 catheters, 1 epidural, 1 stent, and lots of medication… I have finally returned home. This experience has been the most challenging physical trial I have ever been through. I went into the surgery prepared for what I knew would be the hardest recovery I would have to face thus far, but nonetheless, I was optimistic! I was optimistic that I was young and healthy and that my recovery would surely be quicker than most. I had no idea just what kind of wake-up call I was in for.

Everything done surgically went just as planned; it was the recovery that would prove differently. Moments before I was taken into the operating room, my doctor strongly recommended that I get an epidural to control my pain during recovery. I am not typically afraid of needles or shots, but I have to admit I was completely beside myself with fear! They gave me a sedative to calm my nerves before giving me the epidural, but I don't think I ever really calmed down until it was done! Dave commented that I wouldn't shut-up and I kept making random comments. The nurse assured him I probably wouldn't remember any of it when I woke up. It wasn't nearly as bad as I think I had made it up to be in my head (the IV's were definitely more painful than the epidural).

My five day hospital stay seemed never ending. My nurses during the day were less than great. The night nurse's seemed to be the most prompt with my care. They came in every few hours to check my blood pressure, pulse, and temperature, so as you might imagine, sleep was seldom and interrupted. Saturday was a difficult day as I couldn't keep anything down. Vomiting is never fun… but vomiting with a large incision in your stomach and 4 tubes hanging from you is horrible. Dave left me for a few hours to go home and take a shower and get some food. During that time they brought me a "wonderfully" prepared hospital meal (no sarcasm intended). It was the first bit of solid food since the operation and I was pretty excited about it. I took it easy but about half way through the meal I started to feel sick. With practically no warning, I threw-up all over my lunch tray. I pressed my nurse call button and informed the nurse's desk I had thrown-up. I figured this would result in someone being sent to help. After waiting for about 10 minutes and trying every attempt possible to not vomit again, I paged the nurse's desk a second time. This time I was in tears and informed them I needed something to throw-up in immediately. After waiting a while they finally came with something for me to throw-up in besides my lunch tray (not that I was planning on eating any more of it anyways). My mom arrived late that evening and dropped by for a quick hello before I fell asleep.

Sunday was the best day I had during my stay in the hospital. Maybe it was because the Lord knew I needed a break since it was the Sabbath. I never threw-up and I was alert and talkative for most of the day. Monday I woke up to more nausea and vomiting and the discouragement that I would not be going home yet. Before the surgery the Doctor said I would have to stay in the hospital for a minimum of three nights but he would judge my stay according to my progress. In the back of my mind, all I heard was three nights, and that is all I had prepared myself for. On the bright side, the doctor ordered my 2^nd (urethra) catheter to be removed, which meant one less tube attached to me! The urethra catheter was very uncomfortable, so its removal brought me a much needed smile.

Tuesday would prove to be my most challenging day. After a very sleepless night, my Doctor came by for a visit at 5:30 in the morning. He informed me that it the end of the time clock with what had become a dear friend, as they would be removing my epidural. The rest of the day was a bit of an awaking as I don't think any of us quit understood how much GOOD the epidural was doing at managing my pain. After its removal, it was very clear how much pain it had been covering up. The pain made me vomit and the vomit created more pain! Most of the pain was resulting from bladder spasms. I was warned prior to my operation that they were very painful and similar to contractions. I was having several problems with my super-pubic catheter draining properly as well. They wheeled me down to radiology to do an x-ray of my abdomen. This was to make sure there were not any twists or kinks in the catheter. The doctor also wanted me to try taking my pain medication by mouth in preparation for my IV removal. It was all I could do to try and keep my pain meds down and the anti-nausea medicine never seemed to help.

Wednesday's early morning doctor's visit was filled with many mixed emotions. I received the exciting news that everything looked as though I would finally be able to return home. He ordered my fluids in my IV to be reduced and removed my JP (incision drain) in preparation for my release. The JP drain is like a suction bulb with a LONG tube attached to the end of it. That tube is inserted into my abdomen to drain fluid from the incision site. The bulb is drained several times a day to measure the amount of fluid the incision is producing. The doctor snipped a few of the stitches around the JP which held it in place. He then proceeded to tell me to take a deep breath...

What took place after that deep breath became a sudden blur of some of the worse sudden pain I have ever experienced in my life. I literally screamed in pain during the removal (I am sure I woke up the entire floor at 6 in morning). The tube felt never ending as he pulled and pulled and pulled. I know this maybe a little graphic, but since this is my way of journaling my experience I will share it. As he pulled I could feel chunks of my flesh coming out with the tube. In that moment, I felt as if my insides were being ripped out and every part of me was ready to call it quits. I laid there in complete tears as he assured me that the removal of my super-pubic catheter would feel nothing like that experience. It wasn't too long after he left that the nausea and vomiting returned. I am sure it was due to the state of shock that I was in after the removal of the JP drain. The rest of the day seemed fairly uneventful until my discharge late that afternoon.

The wheelchair ride to the car and car ride home were both "bumpy", but I survived. Coming home was a huge relief, but also an enormous challenge. I then had to adjust to my "stuff" with my new equipment. I had grown to love the adjustable bed at the hospital (it was really more of a love-hate relationship). It made getting up and down, in and out, much easier. The hospital bed was also equipped with adequate areas to hang my catheter bag (or as I like to call it, my pee bag). At the hospital, I didn't have to worry about getting any "gross stuff" (I will leave that up for interpretation) on my furniture, floor, rugs, ect. I have my post-op appointment next Thursday, and I am really hoping the will remove my super pubic catheter (aka: the "un-super" pubic catheter).

We have been so grateful to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. We have appreciated the generous meals and visits. I still have a long way to go, but things seem to be healing. My mom has been a tremendous help and I have especially enjoyed her company. I hope it is all downhill from here…

Life's pivotal moments

There are times in each one of our lives that leave us changed forever. Moments when we are molded and shaped by our life's experiences. Moments where old chapters end and new chapters begin.

Over the course of my life time, I have had many pivotal moments, many new chapters in my life's book. The past year seems to fill my personal pages with such moments. There are so many changes taking place, not only spiritually, but physically, mentally, and emotionally.

After 12 years of being sick (more severely the past 5 years), I finally have answers, but more importantly solutions! My exploratory surgery, done on the 27th of March, revealed just what the doctor was suspecting. He found a left ectopic ureter (please read previous post for further explanation). Proceeding the surgery, they rushed me over to radiology to run tests on my kidney. The function of my kidney would determine what the best surgical option would be for me. The good news... it functions! The bad news... only about 40% of what is should.

The past several weeks have been a whirl-wind preparing for surgery number three, in less than three months. This surgery will be the most extensive and challenging of them all! Estimated recovery time is 4-6 weeks, 3 weeks of which I will have a FABULOUS catheter (I feel like I am 90... what 24 year old should have to wear a catheter for 3 weeks!). The doctor informed me that I was not allowed to drive and I was to stay home while I have the catheter. As if it was some questions that I would be out and about carrying my lovely pee bag around to show off as a souvenir from my surgery. No, I think I am rather content at home with such a prized possession.

Thankfully, the doctor can go over my old 4"scar (from my major surgery from childhood) because I was really not looking forward to adding another to the collection! I guess you won't find me out on the beach in my bikini this year (not that you would anyways). It is hard to imagine that by the time I am recovered, it will be June. I am pretty much out of commission for the entire month of May.

I have been keeping an extensive to-do list in attempt to make sure everything is in order before I go in for surgery. It is now the eve of the big day and the last thing left on my list is to blog about this pivotal moment in my life. This is a moment I have waited, hoped, and dreamed about. I will leave for the surgery tomorrow morning with all my urinary problems and return home with brand new plumbing. It is expected that I will no longer suffer from UTI's and Kidney infections, but only time will tell. Either way, I know this is a new chapter in my book, and one that I hope will be much healthier. It is a pivotal moment that I hope will lead to a chapter on motherhood.

Sick and Tired...

It's official... I am "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired"!

Last night I went to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy to pick up a prescription for another (sigh) UTI. As I approached the counter, the pharmacist, quickly recognized me and attempted to guess my last name. Thankful, she got it wrong, otherwise I think I would have cried (okay, so that would be a little over dramatic... but you get the point). She did reassure me that one of these days she was going to have it memorized. Just why would there be a need for her to memorize my last name... 'cause I practically live at the place these days!

On Monday I will go in for surgery number two, in less than two months! I am finally working with a urologist who is actively seeking a solution to my problems and not just treating my symptoms. It will be an exploratory type surgery to get a better look at my urinary system. It is his impression that I could potentially have an ectopic left ureter. Your ureter is what carries urine from your kidneys into your bladder (you have two, one on each side). If it is ectopic, it means that it has an insertion point other than the bladder. All of my tests, procedures and symptoms, thus far point to this diagnosis, but as I have come to learn, there is no guarantee this is what they will find.

Of all the uterine abnormalities, a unicornuate uterus is most often seen with some sort of renal (kidney) anomaly as well. For many patients diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus, it is discovered that they only have one kidney or a misshapen kidney. Thankfully, I have both kidneys, but it is sounding like I could have some abnormalities in other parts of that same system. If an ectopic ureter is found, there are two solutions. The first and most appealing, is if my kidney is found to be functioning properly; they can just re-route my ureter. The second scenario, would be if my kidney is found only producing water instead of urine. If this is the case, they would have to remove my left renal system (kidney, ureter) entirely.

I never would have imagined that the health problems I have endured would be so closely related and stem back to one simple diagnosis of a unicornuate uterus. For the majority of my life, they were treated as individual issues/symptoms. It is now clear that it needs to be treated as one whole condition with multiple medical issues stemming from it. I have adjusted to being the science project to many doctors as they observe my rare medical scenario.

I have to admit I am almost hopeful that it is an ectopic ureter. It seems a little strange to hope for such a diagnosis as this, but it would mean an answer and a solution. An answer to so many frustrating and wearing health issue. It would potentially mean no more UTI's or kidney infections. I have imagined the doctor informing me of the diagnosis and there being tears of joy rather than of sadness. Joy that I might not have to live the rest of my life being "sick and tired". Joy that we may soon be able to start IVF treatments, and thus our family, without another odd fighting against us. It seems to be a dream worth dreaming...

The Common Thread

If there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it is that I am not alone. My situation may be unique... but the outcome of infertility is not. The more I open my mouth and let others in, the more I realize just how many are struggling with infertility as well. I have found hope and peace, strength and courage from those with whom I share this one common thread. Having a network of friends that I can lean on for understanding or a listening ear has meant so much to me over the past few months. Often times it is with people with whom I have never even met or barely even know. That thread is what links each one of us together, and it is often times, what holds each one of us together through such a trail.

My sidebar contains a list of friends with whom have shared this common tread with me, and the type of infertility they suffer from. I know that this list is incomplete... I am not aware of the names of some of the conditions these women suffer from and I also know that this list will continue to grow as I create that common thread with new friends. If you are on my list please send me the proper abbreviations that link to your name (if you wish to be removed from the list completely, please let me know). For a list of abbreviations, please click here or visit the link entitled "Terms and Abbreviations" on my sidebar - if you do not see the applicable abbreviation for you, make one up! If you know of those who would like to be a part of my infertile network, please send them a link to my blog, I would love to get to know them.

I have also created a logo (picture above) or blog button that you can add to your blog with a link to your story. If you have any ideas on how I could expound on this network or networking system, please let me know.

There really is truth to the phrase, "strength in numbers". I hope that we can all lift and strengthen each other through our struggles and our one common thread.

Pieces

My surgery to remove my right uterine horn (which had no communication with my actual uterus and was suspected to have endometrosis) finally arrived last Tuesday. Everything went well and as planned and I am recovering. This surgery has left me with feelings and emotions that I don't typically allow myself to have. It is as if the surgery just sucked all of the positivity and optimism right out of me. The reality that my body will never allow me to conceive a child naturally has set in more than ever. The reality of how I was born, and what has been taken and removed, and how it simply cannot be fixed or replaced is clear.

I returned to work this Wednesday and to the love and concern of the people with whom I work with. The other designer I work with asked for a better explanation than I had previously given her of just what exactly they did. The best way I knew to explain it was by drawing a picture. I pulled out my sticky notes and drew what a normal uterus looks like and gave a brief explanation of the parts (uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries). Then, right below that image, I drew what my anatomy looked like when I was born. That image was followed, by how my anatomy looks now (after two surgeries). When I glanced down at my own drawing, I realized just how pitiful it looked. And not just because of my artistic inabilities, but rather that there really wasn't much there. It was all just a bunch of PIECES, none of which do what they are suppose to do.

I am left with two fabulous ovaries. The right has a fallopian tube to communicate with, but no uterus communication. The left side contains my unicornuate uterus (half the normal uterus), but does not have a fallopian tube to make communication between my uterus and left ovary(my left fallopian tube was removed as a child). Simply put... a bunch of useless PIECES, a scar covered tummy, and no baby to hold and call my own.

Follow-up

As a follow-up to my last post entitled, "Avoiding the Why Me's" I wanted to share the following. In this post I shared a few of my feelings and thoughts on the possibility that we chose our trails in the pre earth life. My sweet friend shared a story on her blog in relation to what I had said. It is such a touching story, and it brought tears to my eyes. Her family has been blessed through adoption and is currently trying to adopt again. Please visit the following link to read the story which she shared...

Click Here

Avoiding the "Why Me"

I know it has been a while since I posted. I guess I figured that if I didn't talk about it then it all might go away, but I was, unfortunately, wrong. The past several nights I have laid in bed, contemplating my situation and the emotions that usually follow when I do so. Every time I do this, the "why me's" seem to creep into my mind. In an attempt to push them out, I decided to try and think of every trial or challenge that those around me have been faced with or are facing in their own lives. As I would do this, I would ask myself, "would I prefer this trail over my struggles". Each time I answered, it was a resonating "no".

Now, I agree, that some of these trials or challenges seemed a little easier than my own. But what I realized is that I would not be the person I am today if I had been faced with some of the seemingly easier earthly tests. On the contrary, there were also many trials that seemed much harder than the ones I face. The weight of these struggles would be unbearable. I am not sure that I am strong enough to face these trails (I would like to think I would be, but in reality I doubt I am).

I like to think of it this way... Maybe, just maybe, in our pre-earth lives with our Heavenly Father, we sat down with him and helped choose our earthly struggles. I imagine a big long list that seemed to extend forever of all the earthly trails that one might face in this life. I picture reading through each one until I came across the struggles for me, in which I would respond, "sign me up for this one", "I think I am strong enough for this trial", "Oh, and this one too... I could learn so much from this trial". I envision my Heavenly Father guiding me through the list, helping me to choose the trials most suited for me. I imagine He would then explain why it will be important for me to experience these trails in my life, but more importantly, why it is important that I overcome each one. Now, I am not sure that this is really how it works, but it gives me peace and strength to think that maybe I knew of the hardships I would face in this earthly life and that I gladly accepted them, knowing that if I endured each one I would be a stronger individual. It also brings me peace to know that the Lord will never test you beyond that which you are capable of bearing.

At times, it is so hard to understand why there are so many blessed with children who don't even want them or care for them. And then there are those who pray each and everyday that they might be blessed with a child to hold in their arms only to be empty handed. I cringe each time I hear an ungrateful mother talk of her annoyance of raising children, the supposed sacrifice of her career that she is making, or her slim figure. My heart breaks as I watch a mother yell uncontrollably at her child in the middle of the store or when I hear the news reports of a mother dumping her baby in a dumpster or leaving their baby to die in their crib because they are too drugged up to realize what they are doing. Each time I can't help but think, "I can do better than that and yet I am the one who can't get pregnant". We have all heard the phrase (probably from our parents) that "life just isn't fair". This certainly seems to sum up the emotions that creep into my mind and heart..."why me, it's just not fair".

I don't always understand the Lords plan or timing for me. But what I do know is that there is a reason for everything. I can choose to take my life's challenges and be bitter or I can choose to learn and grow from them. When my opportunity comes for me to hold a child of my own in my arms, I pray that I will remember what it was like to go though each day empty handed for so long. I pray that it will cause me to be a better mother than I might have been otherwise, that I will never take for granted a single day that I have to spend with my child. I have longed and waited, I have cried and prayed... and because of all this I have a greater appreciation of motherhood. I am trying to change those "why me's" into seeing this experience as a blessing. A blessing and opportunity to love my future child more fully and to never take for grated the amazing blessings of motherhood.