Wonder

I wonder how I would tell Dave he is going to be a father
or how we would announce we are expecting to our family

I wonder what it would be like to feel my baby kick
or to watch my stomach grow with a little one inside

I wonder what it would be like to bring life into this world
or to have the bonding moments of breast feeding my child

I wonder if they would have blond hair and blue eyes like me
or olive skin and a big smile like Dave

I wonder how I would design the nursery for my little one
or the cute little outfits I would dress them up in

I wonder what it would be like to have sleepless nights rocking my child 
or to patch up a scraped knee after a fall while riding their bike

I wonder if our child would be great at math like Dave
or if they would have a creative side like me

I wonder if they would be hardheaded like the both of us
or maybe they would get the sweet content of my grandmother

I wonder if they would be athletic and active like the both of us
or be blessed with a great singing voice like Dave's dad

I wonder what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom
or to see my little ones run up to greet dad as he returns home from work

I wonder what is would be all be like
or who they would be like

I wonder...

Honored

I was nominated for the Beautiful Blogger Award by Christine of We Are All Mothers. A big thank you goes out to Christine for this nomination. It always amazes me how similar trials and struggles can bring people together. That has certainly been the case with my infertility and the blogging world. Many of these women, such as Christine, I have never even met, yet there is a bond that roots deep in my heart for each one of them. Christine has been through quite the battle, but has stood triumphantly atop her mountain as she has received a few "choice" miracles. Christine and her family are now on the road to adopt in order to expand their family a little more. To learn more of Christine and to be inspired by our role as women and mothers (like I always am), visit her blog:

http://weareallmothers.blogspot.com

Okay...here are the rules of the award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award and included a link to their blog.
2. Pass on the award to 5 other bloggers who you think are great!
3. Contact the other bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award.
4. Say 7 things about yourself.

Other Bloggers That I Think Are Great Are....

Tarrin of the blog Profiles and Petri Dishes. Besides the fact that I love the creative name and unique blog header, she has been with me through much of my struggle with infertility. She has been richly blessed by adoption with one adorably cute 2 year old little girl and a brand new little guy in her family!

http://profilesandpetridishes.blogspot.com

Natalie of the blog A Healing Journey is a woman of amazing faith and courage. After a 6 year battle with infertility, she was blessed with a sweet baby boy only to loose him a few short days before she was to be induced. Her strength to share her tremendously heavy story with such faith has left me a better person. She recently brought a healthy and beautiful baby girl into the world and I couldn't be more excited for her!!!

http://journeytoheal.blogspot.com

I just LOVE Blaire of Homemade by Blaire...not to mention her photography blog, painting blog, and family blog are all equally as amazing. This girl is awesome is more ways than one! I terribly miss living near her as there is so much I could learn from her. 

http://homemadebyblaire.blogspot.com

Laura of Beyond the Rain. This girl is an example of how diligence pays off! She recently was blessed with a baby girl after a long fight with infertility. I love how she introduces a little laughter into several of her posts to lighten the heavy load such a subject. I especially love her post of the contraption her husband made her for peeing in a cup. I think she should market it! I would buy one with as much as I have had to pee into those darned things!!!

http://cloudsarefarbehindme.blogspot.com

 And last but certainly not least...all the ladies over at Design Sponge. It's simply that designer in me that can't resist the daily dose of awesome design tips. I especially love the before and afters every Thursday...it just gets my wheels spinning!

http://www.designspongeonline.com

7 Things About Me Are...

1.I don't like chocolate...I know, I know...I am weird!

2. I am obsessed with gold fish crackers. Ummm...delicious.

3. A good tune is bound to put a smile on my face. Music inspires me.

4.I wish I had more time to explore the world around me with my camera.

5.I am a natural blond, but thanks to the invention of dye...I am a redhead!

6. I have lived in 5 states in the past 7 years

7. I love to cook/try unique foods...often times I don't even know what certain ingredients are and I have to aimlessly wonder the grocery store till I find what I need!

This is the year...or not!

"No one knows what this next year will bring, 

but one thing is sure, He will be with us and 

He is enough for every difficulty that may arise"

I have found myself anticipating when pregnancy will take place for us on more than one occasion. These moments typically happened before I knew or understood the full extent of what it would actually take for us to get pregnant (assuming pregnancy is even a viable goal). I remember thinking that maybe I was simply suppose to finish school before the Lord would bless us with little ones. Graduation came and went and there were no little ones in site. 

We then moved to Arizona and I made my first appointment with a fertility specialist. I figured that it was finally our time. I anxiously waited for my appointment for two months but ended up having to cancel after such anticipation. We received the news that we were being transferred to Arkansas and coincidentally, my fertility appointment was set for the exact day we were scheduled to move.

I remember feeling a strong push shortly after we moved to Arkansas to again pursue a fertility doctor to find answers to our infertility. I can also recall feeling impressed to find a doctor who had a solution to my chronic UTI's, kidney infections, and other urinary problems. I figured those thoughts and feeling were signs of what my immediate future (meaning within the next year or so) might hold.

I can recall a conversation in particular with a close cousin a little over a year ago. In this conversation, I stated that I was going to get all of my medical issue resolved, see a fertility specialist, and at the latest, be pregnant by Christmas time (2009). Well, as most of you know this plan also fell short...very short to be exact! 

I have spent a good part of the past year and a half working with doctor after doctor to find answers to my complex medical history. All the while, I was anticipating to get those problems resolved and then move on to the next goal...pregnancy/motherhood. Through all of this, I am finally figuring out that you cannot foresee  what the Lord has in store for you. It simply doesn't work that way. There is one thing and one thing only that I can relay on being consistent and that is that He will be with me if I let him into my life.

I have no idea what this year will bring. I do not know if my urinary problems will subside in a few months or if it will take years. I do not know if further surgeries will be necessary to resolve the issue or not. I do not even know by what means we should start pursue our family (IVF or adoption). And I certainly do not know if this is the year I can claim the title of "mother". Just as the quote at the top of the post reads, "No one knows what this year will bring, but one thing is sure, He will be with us and He is enough for every difficulty that may arise".

P.S. I wanted to thank my mom for her inspiration to send me this beautiful quote. Those few words have taught me so much over the course of the past few days as I have pondered their profound meaning. Thanks Mom!

New Skills...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...they asked me to learn how to catheterize myself (sounds easy, right?). So I am practicing and developing the new found skill of self-catheterization! To be honest, I am not very good at it, but thankfully I haven't had to use this new method in any "real-life" situations (can you imagine trying to do this in a public restroom). It is bad enough trying to stick a tube in my urethra when my bladder is somewhat empty, I cannot imagine doing it while I am dancing around because I have to go pee, but can't! But with this new ability/skill they agreed to remove my super-pubic catheter (about 2 weeks ago- I am a little delayed in making this post). This seems to be a small gleam of light in what has seemed like a long darkly lite tunnel.

For the most part I am doing pretty good. I have good days and bad days, but thus far I have been able to work through the "bad" days on my own without resorting to self-catheterization. There is always a huge rush of fear when I sit on the toilet and nothing seems to come. There are times when my entire body shakes as I try with all my might just to get a few drops out. I don't think I am seeing the progress that me or my doctor was hoping for, but I suppose time will tell. As for now, I am trying to let my bladder heal from all the trauma it has experienced lately...it is obviously pretty upset about the whole deal.

Since this is typically "stuff" you deal with when you are 80, I am currently trying to make a deal with the Lord that my 80's will be the prime of my life. Sounds fair, right? This path has been longer than I ever could have imagined. But I can honestly say that I have done and experienced things that I never would have thought I would have been strong enough to endure. I am certainly stronger and more capable in certain aspects of my life from this experience. And I hope that in becoming so, I will be blessed with what the Lord knows is my hearts greatest desire...to be mother.

60 Days and Counting…

"Even miracles take a little time" –Cinderella

 

For Christmas my mom gave me a small table plaque with the above quote from the movie Cinderella. The moment I read those few words they gave peace to my aching heart. When we set out on our journey to become parents several year ago, I never could have imagined I would still be empty handed 5 years later. I am confident that our MIRACLE will come when the Lord feels we are ready, it just may take a little more time than I originally anticipated. 

That same quote has certainly had significant impact on me as my process of healing from my recent surgery has been much longer than I or anyone else originally anticipated. 60 DAYS later, I still have a catheter as I have experienced immense difficulty urinating on my own. We have done a great deal of praying for a miracle, praying that further surgery would not be necessary and that I would be able to pee normally. In the Lords time…he has granted me days of triumph, sometime followed by days of sorrow. But the simple fact that I have seen days of triumph are small miracles in my eyes. 

Following my emergency surgery two days before Christmas, my doctor gave me two weeks to try and pee on my own. Much of that time, I saw little, if any progress. The Sunday before the two week mark a few ladies I serve with at church decided to fast for me. We then asked several members of our family if they would also join in a fast on my behalf. That same Sunday, I used the restroom in between meetings at church and to my surprise…I went pee! Words cannot describe the overwhelming feeling that flooded my body as I sat there on the toilet with eyes full of tears. It had taken a little time, but I had truly seen a MIRACLE. That miracle has been followed by several more miracles which have led me through 36 additional days with a catheter. 

I still have a long way to go, but my doctor seems reassured with my resent progress. There are days that I am almost entirely able to go on my own, and other days where I can only get out a few drops. Isn't it funny how we forget to appreciate the simple things that Heavenly Father has blessed us with…like the ability to go pee? I know I certainly took advantage of this simple task until my body wasn't able to do it anymore. MIRACLES can and do happen, sometimes they just take a little time. 

Please continue to pray for my progress…it means so much!

Life is Hard

"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope" ~ Martin Luther King

Life is hard, if no one has ever informed you of this fact, let me be the first... "life is hard"! Sometimes I feel like a broken record. After each operation, I find myself saying, this should be it...this should correct things. Only to undergo another surgery, and another, and then another...well, you get the point!

I mentioned in my last post that I was scheduled to have my catheter removed and x-rays taken on the 23rd of December. My mom was to take me down to the appointment in Jackson. After which we were to turn right back around, pick up Dave in Little Rock, and head for New Mexico to be with my family for Christmas. Well, that whole plan came to crashing halt...

As I went in for my scheduled x-ray, there were complication. They fill your bladder with iodine through the catheter and watch on the x-ray monitor as your bladder fills to assure there are not any problems. Then that catheter is removed and they ask you to urinate while they take images of your bladder/urethra as you empty. Notice, they didn't tell me to sit on the toilet and urinate...yes, right there on the bed (which does have a split down the middle) they ask you to urinate! Not to mention you have three other people in the room watching as you attempt to this.

After getting over the fact that this was entirely too weird, I gave it my best shot with no success. Then they pulled out all the tricks. They turned on running water trickling in the sink...no luck. They filled a bowl with warm water and stuck my hand it...no luck. They told me I could try it standing up, so I reluctantly took that option...as you might have guessed, no luck! Finally they gave me a big cup of water and told me to go wait in the waiting room for a few minutes and to come back and try. I did just that, but no luck. At this point, I was becoming a little emotionally distraught about the whole situation. They sent my mom and I down to grab lunch and to return and try again.

While I attempted to eat my lunch in devastation and fear, a nurse came down to the cafeteria and asked us to return immediately. As I waited in the room to see my doctor, my bladder was feeling unbearably full and getting worse by the minute. It is the worst feeling when you desperately need to go to the bathroom, but physically can't. It finally reached the point to where I could hardly breath from the pain and begged for the nurse to come and catheterize me again (the fact that I wanted another one of those things put in me should explain the extent of pain). My eyes were filled with tears as I laid on the bed while two nurses ran in to give me relief.

The doctor decided that he needed to go in and look with a scope under anesthesia along with putting in a super-pubic catheter (a catheter that goes in through your abdomen to your bladder). My mom and I started making calls to family to inform them that I would not be able to come home for Christmas. We had to wait six hours for surgery, as I had eaten earlier that day. I was released from the hospital around 4 PM the following day on Christmas Eve.

I was given a plug for my catheter and told to try and pee normally. If I was able to do that by Monday (December 28th), my urologist here could remove my catheter. Monday came and went and I still couldn't pee. I was told to keep trying on my own with the super-pubic till January 6th. We are three days away and I can't get out more than a few drops. I am hoping for a sudden miracle, but trying to be realistic at the same time. If I do not have success in the next few days, I will have to go back to Jackson for another surgery.

Sometimes I am not really sure if I should be laughing or crying about all this (I have done both simultaneously on more than one occasion). I just wish for once that my body would cooperate and take a step forward rather than two steps back. I am going on my fifth week with a catheter, I spent my Christmas season in bed, I can't go pee, and I have officially decided that life is hard! I know that I have learned a great deal from all of these experiences, but I can't wait for this burden to be lifted. I know my time will come...but in tell then, I am learning to be tough. After all, this life is not for the faint in heart!

A Year Lost...

I know I haven't posted in a while...I seem to be at a lose for words these days (which is a rare for me), but don't worry, I may make up for my lack of words in this post- Be prepared!

Over the past several days, I have done a great deal of reflection upon this past year. I always send out a yearly update with my Christmas card that reflects upon the events of our lives over the course of that year. They are usually accomplishments we made, adventures we took, or big events that happened. This year I sat in front of the computer, just staring at a blank page with absolutely nothing to say to my friends and family regarding anything that would appear exciting to them. Our accomplishments (if you could call them that) have been much more internal.

This year has been made up of doctor's visits, hospital stays, tests, diagnosis', incisions, needles, pee cups, catheters, medication, and tears. Lots and lot's of tears. Outside of that, we have accomplished very little. In a sense it has consumed our lives, especially mine.

We set out on this journey around September of last year. I was officially sick of being sick, and desperately ready to start a family. I began to gather my medical records from the many escapades to the doctor taken in my youth. I did heavy research on the doctors and hospitals in the area. After years of pushing it to the side, I was hoping I would wake up one day and all of my medical problems would have magically disappeared. But that was simply not the case. I had to face the reality that if I ever wanted to be healthy and start a family I was going to have to be a bit more proactive.

It was not an easy journey and it has seemingly consumed a year of my a life. Six doctors, eight surgeries, nine incisions, ten tests, and countless IV's, shots, and urine specimens.I started this year with a surgery in late January and I am closing it with another major surgery at the beginning of December. I am left spending my December childless, on bed rest with a catheter, and an undecorated Christmas tree (I know that it sounds grim, but there is just no way for me to sugar coat it).

I am typically an optimist, one who hates to be around those who are always complaining about their circumstance rather than making the best of what they have been given. Although, my optimism is a little more dim than in years past, I am well aware that the Lord has been by my side, that he has carried me when I could not stand and that his hand has been in all things. I am unbelievably grateful for the team of doctors that have played such a role in diagnosing and treating my conditions. I am grateful for the technology that exists, making their diagnosis and treatments possible. My heart is so full of thanks to the countless prayers offered on our behalf.

In some ways I feel as though I have lost a year of my life, but I am in hopes that because of this year lost, I will gain many more. I have piles of papers and magazines that have stacked up, thank you cards that have not been written, blog postings that have not been made, pictures that have not been taken, and deep cleaning that has not been done. When I wasn't at the doctors, I was working, and when I wasn't working, I was trying to stay ahead, but I was really just falling behind in life and in sleep. My body feels pretty beaten up and exhausted.

Another Surgery:

In a sense, I am at the end of my rope or in other words running out of options. If this next surgery/doctor isn't able to correct things there really isn't much else that can be done.

In early December we drove to Jackson, MS to see a doctor I had never met before, for I surgery I knew very few details about. We were referred to this doctor by my urologists here in Little Rock who had already earned my full trust. We were told that there was only a handful of doctors in the country that could preform this surgery. We were very fortunate that the best one was only 4.5 hours away in Mississippi.

We arrived Tuesday December 1st for my 1 o'clock appointment. He looked over my records, asked me a few questions, did a vaginal exam, and within about 5 minutes gave me a diagnosis of mild female Hypospadias. Female hypospadias is were the urethra opens into the vagina. It is the third most common birth defect in males (with a misplaced opening on the penis), but is extremely rare in females occurring in about 1 in every 500,000 to 1 million births (pretty good odds right...I will add that to my "specialness" list)! The definition of hypospadias, I was already aware that I had, but after years of doctors, surgeries, and personal research...I finally had a name to attach to the definition! And I received that diagnosis after seeing this doctor for 5 measly minutes...he was good! There is very little information about female hypospadias since it is so rare, but more than likely it was caused by my mullerian anomaly which attributed to my uterine malformation.

I informed him that after years of seeing different urologists when I was younger, I was told that I just needed to deal with it and the problems that it caused because there was noway to correct it. I was at total peace when he responded, "well, I am not going to tell you that here". He then scheduled me for surgery first thing on Wednesday, December 2nd.

The surgery went practically "perfect" and we came out with the most "optimal" scenario. I have a few additional scars to add to my collection. My doctor took a skin graft from the vaginal area to rebuild and elongate my urethra, placing it in the appropriate position. He also did a pelvic sling which required an additional deep skin graft taken from the abdomen, along with a 3.5" incision for the placement of the sling (creating an upside down "T" or anchor-like design on my stomach).

With both of these corrections (along with the previous correction of my left ureter done in April), it will "ideally" eliminate my chronic urinary tract infections (UTI), and mild urinary incontinence (which up until today I have never had the bravery to discuss or admit I suffered from on this blog). It is one of those things, that as a child/teenager you hold very close because of the embarrassment from such a condition. The more I open up and share that detail with others, the more I learn that although my scenerio/cause is much different, I am not alone. Many women are plagued with such a condition after child birth and age.

I spent 4 days in the hospital and returned home from Jackson with a urethral catheter. I have not been allowed to sit for 3 weeks while my catherter is in place. I know that sounds like an easy task but it's not! I travel back to Jackson tomorrow to have my catherter removed and x-rays taken to assure that everything healed properly.

The reconstructive operation is very complex, due to the female anatomy and the lack of females diagnosed with the condition. Their are several potential problems that can arise (all of which can be corrected with minor surgery) if things do not heal properly. But in essence, I am fixed! Well, at least as best as I can be. I have a lot of new and improve plumbing, but I am still missing a few crucial parts to conceive naturally. But because of this, I can hopefully live a more healthy life which in turn will allow me to be a better mother when the opportunity is given to me. That is my year...thanks for all of your prayers and support!

P.S. I hope this all makes sense...I am still somewhat medicated from surgery ; )