Stop This Train…I Wanna Get Off

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping" ~Chinese Proverb

This experience has tested my strength both physically and spiritually more than a few times. I don't know how many times along this journey I have wanted to say, "stop this train, I wanna get off". I have felt on more than one occasion so completely inadequate to keep going; so trodden down to pick myself back up. Each time I reach a new destination, or in other words, overcome another trail...there is this part of me asking, "This is it, right?", "I will be done after this one?". Funny thing is that it never seems to be "it". I haven't finished a race, I can't throw in the towel, and I am certainly not done...

I have come to realize that so often our trials are simply a means to prepare us for...you guessed it, even bigger trials. I know it isn't exactly fun to think of it that way, but I imagine if I were to look at it like this more often, I might have less disappointment and sorrow. I have also found it important to never assume that things can't possibly get any harder, because they inevitably will.

Life is full of surprises, which I am sure isn't news to anyone. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Now speaking for myself, I would say I have had my fair share of both. At times it has been filled with nothing but those "highs", and more recently it seems to be filled with nothing more than the "lows". I am praying that my opportunity for some "highs" is soon in coming. So what do I do till they arrive? I am trying ever so hard to be patient… because there is one thing I know, and that is through adversity comes strength, courage, and blessings. Strength that I am certainly lacking, courage that I desperately need, and blessings that will fill my hearts desires.

After a trip to the ER Monday evening, after complications with my stent and a potential infection, I laid on the hospital bed in excruciating pain. I turned to Dave with my eyes full of tears and simply said, "I can't do this anymore…it is just too hard". His reply was simple, "yes, you can…you already are".

Throughout the course of the past several months, I have reflected a great deal on the Saviors Atonement. Most of my thoughts have been directed towards the peace of knowing that because of His infinite Atonement, he knows every pain my body has relentlessly endured and every sorrow that my heart has felt. More recently, I have turned to those sweet words He uttered to His Father in Heaven in the Garden of Gethsemane, saying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42). Even the Savior Himself asked for deliverance from such hardship. But He, knowing what had to be done, suffered and atoned for each one of us.

The Father knows my heart. As much as I would like to be relieved of such physical pains from surgery and the emotion pains of infertility, it simply isn't up to me. He knows what will strengthen me. He knows what will prepare me for what the future holds. He knows what blessings are in store so long as I submit to his will and not my own. Every part of me wants to stop this train, every part of me wants to get off and try my hand at something a little seemingly easier of a ride. But I WILL keep going… one day at time…step by step.