Realizations

It has been a while since I shared my thoughts, emotions, and status with you all regarding my infertility and medical challenges. During this period of time I have had many realizations that I wish to share today.

A fellow infertile blogger wrote a letter to a friend who was also struggling with infertility and miscarriage. She chose to share the letter on her blog for the thousands out there who need to hear her well chosen words. In the letter she addresses the grief cycle. If you ever took a psychology class in college (one of my favorite general ed requirement classes), you have probably learned about this cycle. There are numerous ways of illustrating the cycle, but I have chosen to use the chart shown below:

I have traveled in and out of many stages of the grief cycle during my journey through infertility and medical challenges. In some of these stages, I have spent more time in than others. I have gone backwards rather than forwards and skipped a few only to go back to them at a later time, but either way I have spent my fair share in each stage with the exception of the end result. I have found that seeing a new baby, the site of baby products, or hearing of a friend or relative who is pregnant has a way of catapulting me back into certain stages for brief periods of time. It is simply unpredictable.

I won't go into detail about my experiences in each stage, but I do wish to elaborate on the most recent stage I am in. Acceptance. It feels good even typing that. Several weeks ago, as I was saying my evening prayers, I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father and expressed that I was okay with whatever way he chose to bless us with children. It is easy to say your okay with adoption, but it takes a little more than just saying. You have to truly feel okay about it to. I feel embarrassed to even say that I might not have been okay with it , but lets be honest, it isn't a decision most people are never faced with. It is something I have always thought about, but when it become a reality it was a little harder to swallow.

Thanks to lots of prayers, a visit to a dear friend in Utah last April, and lots of patience from the Lord I have come to accept that I may never carry my own child. In whatever manner the Lord blesses us with children it will be wonderful! Weather it be through IVF, adoption, or a miracle from God, I will find complete joy in having a child to call my own and to be a part of our eternal family. It took a long time for me to entirely feel like I was accepting of all options available to me, but I am now. The ball is in the Lords court and we are just waiting for him to tell us by what means we should pursue children. And that answer has not come.

Just as I have made strides in the sorrow of my infertility, I have also had several realizations regarding my health. The past several months have been terribly hard on me as I have had infection after infection (often without a break). I have certainly passed through many of the darker sides of the grief cycle with my recent health conditions. I have questioned weather I should have pursued all that I did to make me better when at times I only feel worse. I have felt feelings of frustration towards my Doctor even though he has been amazing in every way. And I have most certainly felt helpless.

The conclusion that I finally have come to is not something I like to think about. It is a thought I have fought more than once, but at the same time it could be the reality of my situation. Some people are born with terrible abnormalities that cannot be repaired. Some people experience horrible accidents that cause paralysis or other challenges. We cannot always avoid such situations nor can we correct them. Thankfully my condition is internal. Most people will never know of my medical conditions. They typically cannot see when I am sick.

We are all given trials in life. Some only stay with us for a short period of time, while others are left to carry the burden of their trails throughout their earthly life. For so long I approached my condition as a race in which there was a finish line. The truth is I don't know if there will be a finish line in this earthly life. My medical struggles may be something that I carry with me throughout the remainder of my days. It has always been "when I am healthy" or "when they fix that problem". I am not sure I will ever be healthy nor do I know if they will find solutions to all of my medical concerns. It is a hard concept to grasp, but I at least have to learn to understand that it may be the reality.

I am who I am. Healthy or sick...happy or sad. And I have to learn to make the most of life either way. The sweet and inspired words of the mother of Joseph B. Wirthlin come to mind, "come what may, and love it". That is all I can do. Learn to love the life (and body) I have been given and he will carry me through the trails.

Good Things to Come

Have you ever have that experience where you feel the Lord is speaking directly to you through someone else? 

I have been so discouraged over the past several months as my body has decided to do anything but cooperate! I have felt so frustrated by it all, and somewhat hopeless that they will ever find a solution to my urological problems. With every advance they make my body seems to take ten steps backwards and I am left with more problems than what I dealt with before. It has been a time of finding myself and and deciding what I am made of.

A little over a month ago, my body developed the first major urinary tract infection since post-surgery.  My doctor quickly prescribed a 10 day regimen of antibiotics and requested I return upon finishing them to give another urine specimen to confirm it was clean. After 10 days of medicine, I still had an infection. They cultured the urine, determined the best antibiotic to kill that particular bacteria, and put me on an addition 10 day regimen of a different antibiotic.

Last Wednesday I returned to give my third urine sample and I am pretty convinced I still have the infection! I should find out what the results of the culture are tomorrow, but since I have completed my last course of medicine I already have begun to see traces of blood in my urine again (sigh).

There are moments when all I want to do is through my hands in the air I declare, "I give up"! I am simply not strong enough, emotionally and physically, to continue fighting this battle. In these moments I have to dig deep to find hope and peace. I often hold on to the sweet words of a co-worker and friend who once gave me the perfect analogy that has carried me through a lot of rough days.

"It is like I am on the last leg of a long race...I am tired and worn out and I don't much feel like continuing on. I am ready to give up, but if I just push through this last little part, my reward will be sweet and my joy will be full." I will be able to declare that although it was a long and hard race, I pushed through, and it was a journey worth finishing.

Tonight, I came across the video posted below. It is of Elder Holland as he recalls his days as a poor young father with a broken down family car. On that challenging day from his past, he wishes he could have told himself the following,

"Don't you quit, you keep walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessing come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ...they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

Those words couldn't be more perfect and more inspired. They have filled my heart with a much needed peace and comfort. I pray that in your own struggles, these words will find your heart and touch your soul as they have mine. In the profound words of Elder Holland, "Everyone of us has times when we need to know that things will get better." "It will be alright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

{Please turn off the music before playing}

*To watch the video in full screen click here.

The Life of a Non-Mother on Mother's Day

I really hadn't put much thought into the fact that Mother's day was quickly approaching. For the most part I had pushed it to the back of my mind and that was just where I wanted it to stay. When my weekly Saturday grocery shopping excursion arrived I was suddenly reminded of the Holiday that I have come to HATE! Not because I don't have an awesome mom who I love dearly, but rather that I am not a mom myself.

As I walked through the store, I watched as Dad's held their children over containers of flowers to pick out which bundle they liked or as they gathered ingredients to make mom a delicious breakfast in bed. The pinnacle moment of the excursion came as I was checking out. Thanks to a unknowing cashier, I was harshly reminded that this celebration was certainly not for me...as I was not a mother. 

As she scanned the items on the belt, she nonchalantly asked, "are you a mother". I forced a nice tone of voice out an responded, "no...not yet". She then replied, "oh, well I guess I can't wish you a Happy Mothers Day" as she chuckled! I plastered some half smile across my face as she continued to scan a few more items. I am sure after noticing the discontent written all over my face, she then said, "you know, your not missing out on much...it isn't always all that it is cracked up to be". At that moment I was ready to reach across the register and strangle the girl.

I know she probably didn't mean it in the way that it sounded, or for that matter who she was saying it to either. She didn't know that she was making that statement to a girl who has longed to be a mother for six years now. She didn't know that I will more than likely never be able to get pregnant, to feel my baby kick, or to nurse my own child. At that moment my body was flooded with hurt and sadness.

That evening as I laid down for bed, I was filled with anxiety over what I knew tomorrow would bring. I could hardly allow myself to fall asleep. I have to admit that it crossed my mind that maybe I wouldn't sleep a wink and feel so crummy in the morning that I could skip out on church and all that goes with it on this day dedicated to motherhood. A few hours went by but my mind finally gave up and allowed me to drift in to a sleep.

I woke up the following morning to Dave standing over my bed with a plate of delicious breakfast in this hand. In attempt to make me feel special on this difficult day, he had made me breakfast in bed. We sat in bed enjoying it together, but I could feel that something was missing. There weren't any bright and shining faces filled with laughter and smiles running around my room. I wasn't holding a little child in my arms. I was not a mother and this was not my day. I hadn't made the selfless sacrifice of my time, body, and mind to deserve such a breakfast.

As I finished my breakfast, Dave whispered, "there is more, but you have to get up to see it". As I went into the kitchen I found a beautiful orchid (my favorite), homemade hand soaps, and a letter. At the top it read, "Happy Future Mother's of America Day"! It was a sweet (and funny) gesture, but the pain was still there. I got ready for church, put my "brave" face on and walked out the door feeling emotionally unprepared for what the day might hold.

I made it through the entire sacrament meeting without a tear in my eye! That was until the bishopric asked for all the ladies in the congregation to stand so that the young women could hand out flowers. I stayed seated and chatted with Dave, hoping I would go unnoticed.. Then I felt the hands around my shoulders tugging at me to stand up. Then just like that the flood gates opened and my eye's were instantly filled with tears. I didn't even turn around to see who it was tugging at me,  I just shook my head no. Then I felt someone lean over with arms wrapped around me as they whispered in my ear, "stand up, you are a mother in so many ways to these young women, I know it is hard...but stand up". As I rose to my feet, I tried to regain composure, before I was handed a flower.

Each year I try and tell myself that it is just a silly holiday made up by Hallmark and glorified by those who feel that they need a day dedicated to them for their services to their family. But the truth is that it is a celebration of who we are as women and our divine role given to us by our Heavenly Father. There is no greater calling in life than that of a mother and I know this without even having children of my own. I long for the day when I can fulfill this role to the best of my ability and for the day that I can experience all of the joy's that comes from such a role.

A big HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the women who have fought the battle of infertility and have stood triumphantly as mother, you have earned this titled ten fold. And THANKS to my own mom for raising me with a passion to become a mother. I have always understood the selfless sacrifice that such a role requires by watching her example.

Happy Mother's Day!

Wonder

I wonder how I would tell Dave he is going to be a father
or how we would announce we are expecting to our family

I wonder what it would be like to feel my baby kick
or to watch my stomach grow with a little one inside

I wonder what it would be like to bring life into this world
or to have the bonding moments of breast feeding my child

I wonder if they would have blond hair and blue eyes like me
or olive skin and a big smile like Dave

I wonder how I would design the nursery for my little one
or the cute little outfits I would dress them up in

I wonder what it would be like to have sleepless nights rocking my child 
or to patch up a scraped knee after a fall while riding their bike

I wonder if our child would be great at math like Dave
or if they would have a creative side like me

I wonder if they would be hardheaded like the both of us
or maybe they would get the sweet content of my grandmother

I wonder if they would be athletic and active like the both of us
or be blessed with a great singing voice like Dave's dad

I wonder what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom
or to see my little ones run up to greet dad as he returns home from work

I wonder what is would be all be like
or who they would be like

I wonder...

Honored

I was nominated for the Beautiful Blogger Award by Christine of We Are All Mothers. A big thank you goes out to Christine for this nomination. It always amazes me how similar trials and struggles can bring people together. That has certainly been the case with my infertility and the blogging world. Many of these women, such as Christine, I have never even met, yet there is a bond that roots deep in my heart for each one of them. Christine has been through quite the battle, but has stood triumphantly atop her mountain as she has received a few "choice" miracles. Christine and her family are now on the road to adopt in order to expand their family a little more. To learn more of Christine and to be inspired by our role as women and mothers (like I always am), visit her blog:

http://weareallmothers.blogspot.com

Okay...here are the rules of the award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award and included a link to their blog.
2. Pass on the award to 5 other bloggers who you think are great!
3. Contact the other bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award.
4. Say 7 things about yourself.

Other Bloggers That I Think Are Great Are....

Tarrin of the blog Profiles and Petri Dishes. Besides the fact that I love the creative name and unique blog header, she has been with me through much of my struggle with infertility. She has been richly blessed by adoption with one adorably cute 2 year old little girl and a brand new little guy in her family!

http://profilesandpetridishes.blogspot.com

Natalie of the blog A Healing Journey is a woman of amazing faith and courage. After a 6 year battle with infertility, she was blessed with a sweet baby boy only to loose him a few short days before she was to be induced. Her strength to share her tremendously heavy story with such faith has left me a better person. She recently brought a healthy and beautiful baby girl into the world and I couldn't be more excited for her!!!

http://journeytoheal.blogspot.com

I just LOVE Blaire of Homemade by Blaire...not to mention her photography blog, painting blog, and family blog are all equally as amazing. This girl is awesome is more ways than one! I terribly miss living near her as there is so much I could learn from her. 

http://homemadebyblaire.blogspot.com

Laura of Beyond the Rain. This girl is an example of how diligence pays off! She recently was blessed with a baby girl after a long fight with infertility. I love how she introduces a little laughter into several of her posts to lighten the heavy load such a subject. I especially love her post of the contraption her husband made her for peeing in a cup. I think she should market it! I would buy one with as much as I have had to pee into those darned things!!!

http://cloudsarefarbehindme.blogspot.com

 And last but certainly not least...all the ladies over at Design Sponge. It's simply that designer in me that can't resist the daily dose of awesome design tips. I especially love the before and afters every Thursday...it just gets my wheels spinning!

http://www.designspongeonline.com

7 Things About Me Are...

1.I don't like chocolate...I know, I know...I am weird!

2. I am obsessed with gold fish crackers. Ummm...delicious.

3. A good tune is bound to put a smile on my face. Music inspires me.

4.I wish I had more time to explore the world around me with my camera.

5.I am a natural blond, but thanks to the invention of dye...I am a redhead!

6. I have lived in 5 states in the past 7 years

7. I love to cook/try unique foods...often times I don't even know what certain ingredients are and I have to aimlessly wonder the grocery store till I find what I need!

This is the year...or not!

"No one knows what this next year will bring, 

but one thing is sure, He will be with us and 

He is enough for every difficulty that may arise"

I have found myself anticipating when pregnancy will take place for us on more than one occasion. These moments typically happened before I knew or understood the full extent of what it would actually take for us to get pregnant (assuming pregnancy is even a viable goal). I remember thinking that maybe I was simply suppose to finish school before the Lord would bless us with little ones. Graduation came and went and there were no little ones in site. 

We then moved to Arizona and I made my first appointment with a fertility specialist. I figured that it was finally our time. I anxiously waited for my appointment for two months but ended up having to cancel after such anticipation. We received the news that we were being transferred to Arkansas and coincidentally, my fertility appointment was set for the exact day we were scheduled to move.

I remember feeling a strong push shortly after we moved to Arkansas to again pursue a fertility doctor to find answers to our infertility. I can also recall feeling impressed to find a doctor who had a solution to my chronic UTI's, kidney infections, and other urinary problems. I figured those thoughts and feeling were signs of what my immediate future (meaning within the next year or so) might hold.

I can recall a conversation in particular with a close cousin a little over a year ago. In this conversation, I stated that I was going to get all of my medical issue resolved, see a fertility specialist, and at the latest, be pregnant by Christmas time (2009). Well, as most of you know this plan also fell short...very short to be exact! 

I have spent a good part of the past year and a half working with doctor after doctor to find answers to my complex medical history. All the while, I was anticipating to get those problems resolved and then move on to the next goal...pregnancy/motherhood. Through all of this, I am finally figuring out that you cannot foresee  what the Lord has in store for you. It simply doesn't work that way. There is one thing and one thing only that I can relay on being consistent and that is that He will be with me if I let him into my life.

I have no idea what this year will bring. I do not know if my urinary problems will subside in a few months or if it will take years. I do not know if further surgeries will be necessary to resolve the issue or not. I do not even know by what means we should start pursue our family (IVF or adoption). And I certainly do not know if this is the year I can claim the title of "mother". Just as the quote at the top of the post reads, "No one knows what this year will bring, but one thing is sure, He will be with us and He is enough for every difficulty that may arise".

P.S. I wanted to thank my mom for her inspiration to send me this beautiful quote. Those few words have taught me so much over the course of the past few days as I have pondered their profound meaning. Thanks Mom!

New Skills...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...they asked me to learn how to catheterize myself (sounds easy, right?). So I am practicing and developing the new found skill of self-catheterization! To be honest, I am not very good at it, but thankfully I haven't had to use this new method in any "real-life" situations (can you imagine trying to do this in a public restroom). It is bad enough trying to stick a tube in my urethra when my bladder is somewhat empty, I cannot imagine doing it while I am dancing around because I have to go pee, but can't! But with this new ability/skill they agreed to remove my super-pubic catheter (about 2 weeks ago- I am a little delayed in making this post). This seems to be a small gleam of light in what has seemed like a long darkly lite tunnel.

For the most part I am doing pretty good. I have good days and bad days, but thus far I have been able to work through the "bad" days on my own without resorting to self-catheterization. There is always a huge rush of fear when I sit on the toilet and nothing seems to come. There are times when my entire body shakes as I try with all my might just to get a few drops out. I don't think I am seeing the progress that me or my doctor was hoping for, but I suppose time will tell. As for now, I am trying to let my bladder heal from all the trauma it has experienced lately...it is obviously pretty upset about the whole deal.

Since this is typically "stuff" you deal with when you are 80, I am currently trying to make a deal with the Lord that my 80's will be the prime of my life. Sounds fair, right? This path has been longer than I ever could have imagined. But I can honestly say that I have done and experienced things that I never would have thought I would have been strong enough to endure. I am certainly stronger and more capable in certain aspects of my life from this experience. And I hope that in becoming so, I will be blessed with what the Lord knows is my hearts greatest desire...to be mother.

60 Days and Counting…

"Even miracles take a little time" –Cinderella

 

For Christmas my mom gave me a small table plaque with the above quote from the movie Cinderella. The moment I read those few words they gave peace to my aching heart. When we set out on our journey to become parents several year ago, I never could have imagined I would still be empty handed 5 years later. I am confident that our MIRACLE will come when the Lord feels we are ready, it just may take a little more time than I originally anticipated. 

That same quote has certainly had significant impact on me as my process of healing from my recent surgery has been much longer than I or anyone else originally anticipated. 60 DAYS later, I still have a catheter as I have experienced immense difficulty urinating on my own. We have done a great deal of praying for a miracle, praying that further surgery would not be necessary and that I would be able to pee normally. In the Lords time…he has granted me days of triumph, sometime followed by days of sorrow. But the simple fact that I have seen days of triumph are small miracles in my eyes. 

Following my emergency surgery two days before Christmas, my doctor gave me two weeks to try and pee on my own. Much of that time, I saw little, if any progress. The Sunday before the two week mark a few ladies I serve with at church decided to fast for me. We then asked several members of our family if they would also join in a fast on my behalf. That same Sunday, I used the restroom in between meetings at church and to my surprise…I went pee! Words cannot describe the overwhelming feeling that flooded my body as I sat there on the toilet with eyes full of tears. It had taken a little time, but I had truly seen a MIRACLE. That miracle has been followed by several more miracles which have led me through 36 additional days with a catheter. 

I still have a long way to go, but my doctor seems reassured with my resent progress. There are days that I am almost entirely able to go on my own, and other days where I can only get out a few drops. Isn't it funny how we forget to appreciate the simple things that Heavenly Father has blessed us with…like the ability to go pee? I know I certainly took advantage of this simple task until my body wasn't able to do it anymore. MIRACLES can and do happen, sometimes they just take a little time. 

Please continue to pray for my progress…it means so much!

Life is Hard

"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope" ~ Martin Luther King

Life is hard, if no one has ever informed you of this fact, let me be the first... "life is hard"! Sometimes I feel like a broken record. After each operation, I find myself saying, this should be it...this should correct things. Only to undergo another surgery, and another, and then another...well, you get the point!

I mentioned in my last post that I was scheduled to have my catheter removed and x-rays taken on the 23rd of December. My mom was to take me down to the appointment in Jackson. After which we were to turn right back around, pick up Dave in Little Rock, and head for New Mexico to be with my family for Christmas. Well, that whole plan came to crashing halt...

As I went in for my scheduled x-ray, there were complication. They fill your bladder with iodine through the catheter and watch on the x-ray monitor as your bladder fills to assure there are not any problems. Then that catheter is removed and they ask you to urinate while they take images of your bladder/urethra as you empty. Notice, they didn't tell me to sit on the toilet and urinate...yes, right there on the bed (which does have a split down the middle) they ask you to urinate! Not to mention you have three other people in the room watching as you attempt to this.

After getting over the fact that this was entirely too weird, I gave it my best shot with no success. Then they pulled out all the tricks. They turned on running water trickling in the sink...no luck. They filled a bowl with warm water and stuck my hand it...no luck. They told me I could try it standing up, so I reluctantly took that option...as you might have guessed, no luck! Finally they gave me a big cup of water and told me to go wait in the waiting room for a few minutes and to come back and try. I did just that, but no luck. At this point, I was becoming a little emotionally distraught about the whole situation. They sent my mom and I down to grab lunch and to return and try again.

While I attempted to eat my lunch in devastation and fear, a nurse came down to the cafeteria and asked us to return immediately. As I waited in the room to see my doctor, my bladder was feeling unbearably full and getting worse by the minute. It is the worst feeling when you desperately need to go to the bathroom, but physically can't. It finally reached the point to where I could hardly breath from the pain and begged for the nurse to come and catheterize me again (the fact that I wanted another one of those things put in me should explain the extent of pain). My eyes were filled with tears as I laid on the bed while two nurses ran in to give me relief.

The doctor decided that he needed to go in and look with a scope under anesthesia along with putting in a super-pubic catheter (a catheter that goes in through your abdomen to your bladder). My mom and I started making calls to family to inform them that I would not be able to come home for Christmas. We had to wait six hours for surgery, as I had eaten earlier that day. I was released from the hospital around 4 PM the following day on Christmas Eve.

I was given a plug for my catheter and told to try and pee normally. If I was able to do that by Monday (December 28th), my urologist here could remove my catheter. Monday came and went and I still couldn't pee. I was told to keep trying on my own with the super-pubic till January 6th. We are three days away and I can't get out more than a few drops. I am hoping for a sudden miracle, but trying to be realistic at the same time. If I do not have success in the next few days, I will have to go back to Jackson for another surgery.

Sometimes I am not really sure if I should be laughing or crying about all this (I have done both simultaneously on more than one occasion). I just wish for once that my body would cooperate and take a step forward rather than two steps back. I am going on my fifth week with a catheter, I spent my Christmas season in bed, I can't go pee, and I have officially decided that life is hard! I know that I have learned a great deal from all of these experiences, but I can't wait for this burden to be lifted. I know my time will come...but in tell then, I am learning to be tough. After all, this life is not for the faint in heart!

A Year Lost...

I know I haven't posted in a while...I seem to be at a lose for words these days (which is a rare for me), but don't worry, I may make up for my lack of words in this post- Be prepared!

Over the past several days, I have done a great deal of reflection upon this past year. I always send out a yearly update with my Christmas card that reflects upon the events of our lives over the course of that year. They are usually accomplishments we made, adventures we took, or big events that happened. This year I sat in front of the computer, just staring at a blank page with absolutely nothing to say to my friends and family regarding anything that would appear exciting to them. Our accomplishments (if you could call them that) have been much more internal.

This year has been made up of doctor's visits, hospital stays, tests, diagnosis', incisions, needles, pee cups, catheters, medication, and tears. Lots and lot's of tears. Outside of that, we have accomplished very little. In a sense it has consumed our lives, especially mine.

We set out on this journey around September of last year. I was officially sick of being sick, and desperately ready to start a family. I began to gather my medical records from the many escapades to the doctor taken in my youth. I did heavy research on the doctors and hospitals in the area. After years of pushing it to the side, I was hoping I would wake up one day and all of my medical problems would have magically disappeared. But that was simply not the case. I had to face the reality that if I ever wanted to be healthy and start a family I was going to have to be a bit more proactive.

It was not an easy journey and it has seemingly consumed a year of my a life. Six doctors, eight surgeries, nine incisions, ten tests, and countless IV's, shots, and urine specimens.I started this year with a surgery in late January and I am closing it with another major surgery at the beginning of December. I am left spending my December childless, on bed rest with a catheter, and an undecorated Christmas tree (I know that it sounds grim, but there is just no way for me to sugar coat it).

I am typically an optimist, one who hates to be around those who are always complaining about their circumstance rather than making the best of what they have been given. Although, my optimism is a little more dim than in years past, I am well aware that the Lord has been by my side, that he has carried me when I could not stand and that his hand has been in all things. I am unbelievably grateful for the team of doctors that have played such a role in diagnosing and treating my conditions. I am grateful for the technology that exists, making their diagnosis and treatments possible. My heart is so full of thanks to the countless prayers offered on our behalf.

In some ways I feel as though I have lost a year of my life, but I am in hopes that because of this year lost, I will gain many more. I have piles of papers and magazines that have stacked up, thank you cards that have not been written, blog postings that have not been made, pictures that have not been taken, and deep cleaning that has not been done. When I wasn't at the doctors, I was working, and when I wasn't working, I was trying to stay ahead, but I was really just falling behind in life and in sleep. My body feels pretty beaten up and exhausted.

Another Surgery:

In a sense, I am at the end of my rope or in other words running out of options. If this next surgery/doctor isn't able to correct things there really isn't much else that can be done.

In early December we drove to Jackson, MS to see a doctor I had never met before, for I surgery I knew very few details about. We were referred to this doctor by my urologists here in Little Rock who had already earned my full trust. We were told that there was only a handful of doctors in the country that could preform this surgery. We were very fortunate that the best one was only 4.5 hours away in Mississippi.

We arrived Tuesday December 1st for my 1 o'clock appointment. He looked over my records, asked me a few questions, did a vaginal exam, and within about 5 minutes gave me a diagnosis of mild female Hypospadias. Female hypospadias is were the urethra opens into the vagina. It is the third most common birth defect in males (with a misplaced opening on the penis), but is extremely rare in females occurring in about 1 in every 500,000 to 1 million births (pretty good odds right...I will add that to my "specialness" list)! The definition of hypospadias, I was already aware that I had, but after years of doctors, surgeries, and personal research...I finally had a name to attach to the definition! And I received that diagnosis after seeing this doctor for 5 measly minutes...he was good! There is very little information about female hypospadias since it is so rare, but more than likely it was caused by my mullerian anomaly which attributed to my uterine malformation.

I informed him that after years of seeing different urologists when I was younger, I was told that I just needed to deal with it and the problems that it caused because there was noway to correct it. I was at total peace when he responded, "well, I am not going to tell you that here". He then scheduled me for surgery first thing on Wednesday, December 2nd.

The surgery went practically "perfect" and we came out with the most "optimal" scenario. I have a few additional scars to add to my collection. My doctor took a skin graft from the vaginal area to rebuild and elongate my urethra, placing it in the appropriate position. He also did a pelvic sling which required an additional deep skin graft taken from the abdomen, along with a 3.5" incision for the placement of the sling (creating an upside down "T" or anchor-like design on my stomach).

With both of these corrections (along with the previous correction of my left ureter done in April), it will "ideally" eliminate my chronic urinary tract infections (UTI), and mild urinary incontinence (which up until today I have never had the bravery to discuss or admit I suffered from on this blog). It is one of those things, that as a child/teenager you hold very close because of the embarrassment from such a condition. The more I open up and share that detail with others, the more I learn that although my scenerio/cause is much different, I am not alone. Many women are plagued with such a condition after child birth and age.

I spent 4 days in the hospital and returned home from Jackson with a urethral catheter. I have not been allowed to sit for 3 weeks while my catherter is in place. I know that sounds like an easy task but it's not! I travel back to Jackson tomorrow to have my catherter removed and x-rays taken to assure that everything healed properly.

The reconstructive operation is very complex, due to the female anatomy and the lack of females diagnosed with the condition. Their are several potential problems that can arise (all of which can be corrected with minor surgery) if things do not heal properly. But in essence, I am fixed! Well, at least as best as I can be. I have a lot of new and improve plumbing, but I am still missing a few crucial parts to conceive naturally. But because of this, I can hopefully live a more healthy life which in turn will allow me to be a better mother when the opportunity is given to me. That is my year...thanks for all of your prayers and support!

P.S. I hope this all makes sense...I am still somewhat medicated from surgery ; )

Thankful

Through all of this adversity, I am still well aware of my blessings and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I have had several people make the comment that maybe the reason we are in Arkansas is to get all of my medical "stuff" straightened out with the "right" doctor. I am not sure I could say that was the only reason we were sent here but I do feel that it has maybe played a major roll in our being here.

I have seen six urologists in three states over the course of 13 years and it wasn't untill a few months ago that one of them, Dr. Brizzolara, had an answer for me (and better yet...a solution). I am so thankful for my amazing doctor here in Arkansas. He has earned my total and complete trust and has shown me compassion, concern, and understanding. He went out of his way to check on me during my hospital stay, often coming at 4:30 and 5 in the morning before he went into his office for work.

I am grateful for Dr. Moutos, my wonderful fertility doctor, that started this recent medical journey for me. He acted quickly to find the problem and he gave me hope that I might could get pregnant though IVF. He explained in detail but yet in simple language what a unicornuate uterus meant and how it would affect me. He gave me fascinating pictures of my "insides" from my HSG and laparoscopy and jokingly told me that I could put them to my scrapbook.

I am so thankful for the amazing technology that was available to both of these amazing doctors that they were able to diagnose and treat my problems so effectively. I am thankful that I have the option of IVF available to me so that one day I might be able to carry my own child. It is quite amazing what they can do now compared to just 10 or 20 years ago.

I am not typically a big fan of taking pills, but I have certainly come to appreciate them a little more latley. I am thankful for pain medications and epidurals so that all these procedures that I have undergone would be a little more bearable. I am grateful for antibiotics which have saved my kidneys from further damage from infections. I appreciate that I am not afraid, and never have been, of needles because I have had alot of them poke me. There have also been several other medications that have helped me along the way to improve my way of life and allow me to function when I otherwise might have not.

I am grateful for good health insurance making my care both possible and financially feasible. I am grateful to my husbands company for allowing him to take time off work frequently without using vacation pay to be at my appointments and procedures. I am so thankful for my husband and his love and support through times when I am sure I was hard to love and support. I appreciate the many times when he has simply held me while I cried.

And last but certainly not least, I am so thankful for my loving Heavenly Father, who knows me and has never left me through my times of struggle. I am grateful for his hand in all of these amazing blessing that I have listed above. It is by him and through him that I am still standing. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and these are just a few...

The Lords Sense of Humor

A few weeks ago I was asked to speak in church. I find that I love the opportunity to write my talks, I just never particularly love giving them. The subject I was asked to speak on was "Finding Strength in Challenging Times". Coincidence....I think not. Now what seems to make this situation a little more humorous is the fact the just over a year ago I was asked to speak on Mother's Day regarding "Motherhood".

As you might imagine, both subjects were extremely hard for me to share my thoughts and feeling while attempting to stay composed in front of a congregation. I have mentioned several times that I am typically not an emotional person (although the Lord is trying to prove otherwise). If you have ever discussed my situation and circumstance with me you have probably found that I am fairly emotionless regarding the topic. I guess this is my way of coping and attempting to appear stronger than I sometimes think I am. I have found (especially over the past three months), it has become less and less easy for me to hold back the tears when discussing such a subject. I find that even the site of a new mother and her little one, or walking by the children's department in a store, will make my eyes welt up with tears right on the spot.

I decided I would simply just read my talk to the congregation in hopes that I might keep my emotions in check. I stayed fairly composed for a subject that has become dear to my heart over the course of this year. I wish to share some of what I gathered for my talk... my emotions on the subject, and excerpts that I shared on "Finding Strength in Challenging Times".

I have often wondered how anyone could possibly make it through this life, which is filled with hardship and disappointment, without the knowledge and testimony in the Gospel and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

At a young age I had to decide for myself how I wanted to get through my trails. I had to make up my mind whether I wanted my Father in Heaven on my side or if I wanted to fight against him. At the tender age of 12, I underwent a challenging surgery that would forever change the course of my life. I was somewhat forced to grow up quickly as I spent several months in and out of doctors offices and recovering from multiple surgeries all in hopes to find an explanation or solution to several medical mysteries.

There came a day where the thoughts and feelings of bitterness towards the Lord and my then current situation, crept into my mind and heart. In my 12 year old mentality, I was trying desperately to understand the burning question in my mind, "why me?" It was typically followed by the classic second half to this question, "what did I do, to deserve this?"

The way I saw it, I had two options: I could either blame the Lord, or learn from this experience. Thankfully, over time and through much prayer, I chose option number 2 and it has made all the difference in my life.

In D&C 122:7 we read, "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good".

I have tried to keep this in mind as I have continued down a road that sometimes feels to be far off course than what I had mapped out for myself. I often try to convince myself that because of these experiences, I will appreciate motherhood and my future children all the more.

Alexandre Dumas, in his classic tale The Count of Monte Cristo, wrote, "For the happy man prayer is only a jumble of words, until the day when sorrow comes to explain to him the sublime language by means of which he speaks to God."

Unfortunately, for many of us, it takes a challenging time or trial in our lives to finally bring us to our knees. As Quoted in a talk given by Elder Rex D. Pinegar, "Our Father in Heaven has promised us peace in times of trial and has provided a way for us to come to Him in our need. He has given us the privilege and power of prayer.

The older I have become the more I have learned that tragic things happen to good people. God does not always cause them, nor does He always prevent them. He does, however, strengthen us and bless us with his peace, through earnest prayer. "We need to pray...for strength to endure, for faith and fortitude to face what sometimes must be faced (The Man and the Message)."

In the words of a popular LDS hymn we sing:

"When sore trials came upon you,

Did you think to pray?...

Oh, how praying rests the weary!

Prayer will change the night to day.

So, when life gets dark and dreary,

Don't forget to pray."

There is no doubt we live in a world plagued with tremendous turmoil, trials, heartache, sorrows, and grief. These are certainly challenging times, but there is peace through prayer and faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that the Lord does not abandon us in our times of despair. The Lord knows us, he love us, and he will not leave us to stand alone if we seek his hand in all things. I have felt this through me personal trials, and I am grateful for all I have learned through such an experience.

Medical Jargon

Now that everything has pretty much been diagnosed, I thought I would take this opportunity to "spell it all out" for you. There have been multiple questions from friends and family on my condition and I hope this will clarify my situation and diagnosis in better detail than I have previously done. It's a good lesson in female development that every female should know and understand. It is also my hope that one day this information might find someone who has a similar situation as me to bring them peace to years of unanswered questions and health problems.

Müllerian Anomalies (MA): The uterus, fallopian tubes and upper vagina are made up of two partially fused tubes, which, in embryo development, are known as müllerian ducts (ovaries and lower vagina are not derived from mullerian ducts). These ducts are first present in embryos of both sexes.

In the male embryo, the presence of anti-müllerian hormone (AMH), causes the müllerian structures to disintegrate during early development. They persist in the female because she does not produce AMH.

In females, these ducts run down vertically from flank to pelvic floor in the young embryo and eventually fuse into a double-barreled tube with two loose ends, known as the uterovaginal primordium, or UVP. The double UVP will eventually merge into a single-barreled uterus, cervix and upper vagina, while the loose ends develop into the fallopian tubes. In adulthood, these organs are referred to as the müllerian tract and congenital malformations of this tract are called müllerian anomalies, or MAs.

There are 7 different types of müllerian anomalies. They include agenesis and hypoplasia, bicornuate uterus, unicornuate uterus, uterus didelphys, septate uterus, arcuate uterus, and DES related uterus. I was diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus (UU).

The cause of these conditions/anomalies is fairly unknown. To date, there is no singular cause for müllerian anomalies. Some may be hereditary, others result from an insult to the fetus while in the womb (the T-shaped uterus of fetuses exposed to the DES drug, used to prevent miscarriage between 1940-1970, is the only proven case of this situation), but most cases are simply attributed to random mutation.

Unicornuate Uterus (UU): A unicornuate uterus takes place when one müllerian duct is underdeveloped or fails to develop, causing a banana-shaped half-uterus to form. It may or may not be accompanied by a rudimentary horn, and that other horn may or may not have an endometrial cavity or communicate with the main uterine cavity. A missing kidney or other kidney problems accompany this asymmetric anomaly more than they do other MAs. Adverse pregnancy outcomes are common with UU.

The Statistics: About 2%-4% of women are thought to have some sort of congenital uterine anomaly. Of those 7 anomalies, a unicornuate uterus makes up about 4% (statistics vary) of the total number of diagnosed cases, making it the least common of the uterine abnormalities. About 65% of women diagnosed with a UU will have a rudimentary horn of some kind.

Having a unicornuate uterus unfortunately brings a significant risk of both pregnancy loss and preterm labor, as well as ectopic pregnancies. Of all the MAs, it has shown the highest rate of primary infertility (15%) and the poorest fetal survival (40%). Estimates vary by specific study, but one literature review found pregnancy outcomes in women with unicornuate uteri to be miscarriage in 37%, preterm birth in 16%, and term birth in only 45%.

Doctors believe the miscarriage rate is attributed to abnormalities in the blood supply to the uterus. Per-term labor is thought to be because of space restrictions in the half-uterus and often result in a failed cervix. Doctors may recommend cerclage for women at risk of preterm labor in this situation. It is also found that most babies convieved in a unicornuate uterus will be born breached because of the inability for them to turn properly in preperation for delivary in such a small space.

Kidney System Abnormalities: In the embryo, the müllerian ducts act as scaffolding for the mesonephric ducts, which give rise to the kidneys. Because of this parallel structural relationship, it is common for a kidney or other urinary anomaly to be present with a müllerian anomaly. As mentioned earlier, a missing kidney or other kidney problems accompany this asymmetric anomaly of a unicornuate uterus more than they do other MAs.

Ectopic Ureter: An ectopic ureter is a medical condition where the ureter which carries urine from your kidney to you bladder, terminates at a different site than the bladder wall. In females, the ureters may terminate at the bladder neck/urethra (35%), vestibule (30%), vagina (25%), or uterus (5%). It can be associated with frequent urinary tract infections (UTI), urinary incontinence, and decreased kidney function. Ectopic ureters occur in 0.025% of the population and therefore are extremely rare and often hard to diagnose.

How This Relates To Me: At the beginning of 2009, I underwent an HSG test, which resulted in the diagnosis of the rare anomaly of a left unicornuate uterus. After laproscopic surgery, they found a right (non-communicating) rudimentary horn , which after testing, proved it contained entometerial tissue. This means I was menstruating not only from my left unicornuate uterus but also from my right rudimentary horn. The horn had no outlet, as it was closed off from my uterus, thus my body had been re-absorbing the fluid for roughly some 13 years (I am fortunate it did not result in a rupture).

My left fallopian tube was removed as a teenager (at the age of 12) due to blockage of menstruation upon menarche caused by a vaginal septum. Because my unicornuate uterus is on my left side which no longer has a fallopian tube, there is no communication between my ovary and uterus. Thus, when an egg is released from my ovary it has no path to my uterus to be fertilized (the right ovary and tube are also considered useless since they do not attach to my actual uterus). This results in complete infertility outside of the means of IVF (which then takes into account the risks of the above pregnancy statistics with a UU).

As it is very common for patients diagnosed with a UU to also have an abnormality of the renal (kidney) system, such was my luck. In March of 2009, they discovered an ectopic uterter which had been misdiagnosed for some 13 years. In my case, my left ureter drained into the lower portion of my uterus, which if you read the statistics above, is the most rare of the insertion sites with the presence of such a condition.

Prior to the removal of my above mentioned vaginal septum (at the age of 12), my body had also been re-absorbing the urine drained from my left ureter into my uterus (sounds healthy-huh?). During an extensive surgery, they reconstructed the size of my left ectopic ureter and implanted it back into my bladder (thank goodness for modern day technology). Attributed to years of damage from this condition being misdiagnosed and years of battling infections, I am left with 40% function of my left kidney which will not likely improve.

After a visit to my urologist recently, a nurse at the front desk asked if I was Kara. As I responded yes, she proceeded to tell me, "my goodness...you are one for the history books". I have become quit use to being the "science project" and "show-n-tell" of many doctors. I even jokingly told my urologist that if he wrote about me in a medical journal, I wanted a copy of the article. I try and remind myself that we all have our trials in life...this was simply the one I was blessed to overcome. It brings me tremendous comfort to know that in the life hereafter my broken and somewhat pieced together body will once again be made whole and perfect. I can't wait...

For more information on Mullarian Anomalies, please click here.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I went for my post-op appointment last Thursday in hopes that he would be removing my catheter. It has been causing me a great deal of discomfort at the site where it was stitched into my abdomen traveling into my bladder wall. It also made doing much of anything very challenging unless I was wearing my leg bag. I hated the leg bag...feeling a warm liquid on your leg and knowing it was your urine...not fun! I also never enjoyed walking around with it on and hearing the liquid slosh around. I spent most of my days with my regular catheter bag, but that meant where ever I went in my house I had to have a place to hook it on. Whether it be the rail of my bed, the leg of the chair, a knob on a cabinet, or simply in my hand...life became a little complicated.



Thursday would be just shy of three weeks, so I was desperately wishing that he would be ready to remove it. Dave left work to come and pick me up for the appointment. In preparation for the appointment, I took my strongest pain killer before leaving the house. If he was going to be removing the catheter I wanted to make sure I was drugged up for the experience! Even though he had reassured me that it wasn't going to feel anything like the removal of my incision drain...I secretly didn't believe him.



He came into the room and agreed that because I had an infection and had been experiencing pain around the site of the catheter that it was time to remove it. I questioned him one more time as to whether or not it would hurt like the drain. He attempted to comfort me saying that it would not. He informed me that he never tells anyone how painful the drains are to remove otherwise no one would ever let him take them out. Those words were very reassuring (sigh) because I was beginning to think that I was just the biggest wuss in the world!



The nurse came in to remove it...snipped out the stitches, and told me to take a deep breath. At this point it was all sounding much like what they said when they removed my drain (if this is not making sense, please refer to Wednesday under "My Five Day Stay In The Hospital"). I took my deep breath, somewhat clinching the bed in expectation of sever pain as the tube was pulled from my abdomen. A slight sting was all I felt...you can imagine my relief! She then informed me that the whole in my abdomen would close up within 24 hours.



The doctor returned and instructed me to empty my bladder "often". We then proceeded to discuss how I was recovering. I BRAGGED at the fact that my stent had not really been bothering me, contrary to what I had heard about the PAIN they can cause. This is the point in which I took a massive bit of "humble pie". He proceeded to inform me that I may experience "more pain" from the stent now that I would be urinating normally.





I walked out of the office feeling like I was on cloud 9 (even though I actually threw up on the drive home and several times when I finally arrived home...but that is beside the point). When I returned home, I went pee for the first time in three weeks...whoohoo! It was a little painful, but I figured that was expected since it had been so long. I was exhausted after the big outing and from getting sick therefore I laid down for a nap. Upon waking up my whole world had suddenly changed.



I went to the bathroom again, and again, and again...each time it became more and more excruciatingly painful. I would sit on the toilet shaking in pain as my eyes would water up. I suddenly was very much AWARE of my stent! For three weeks, I had wanted nothing more than for my catheter to be removed and now I could think of nothing I wanted GREATER than to have it back in! And so the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for".



During the day I have to go to the bathroom about every 30 minutes to an hour and at night I have to set my alarm to wake me up every few hours to get up and go to the bathroom. Each time I go, the pain is agonizing, and nothing seems to take the edge off. I have two more weeks with the stent in before it is removed. I have been very humbled by this whole experience. It is ever so clear that now matter how bad something is...there is always something worse.

Beneath It All..

"Pain is bound to happen, being miserable is a choice"

After missing almost a month of church from surgery, I was finally able to attend on a personal level what seems to be the most dreaded Sunday of the year. Mothers Day is always a harsh reminder of what I am lacking despite our efforts. I have been attempting to emotionally prepare myself almost the entire week for the day filled with gratitude and joy. All in dedication to the most blessed role we can hold as women and that I simply cannot claim as my own.

I sat with eyes full of tears as each of the beautiful talks were shared, hoping that my emotional state went unnoticed by everyone, including my husband. I watched with wishful eyes as my sweet husband played with the baby of my dear friend sitting next to me. I smiled as the baby giggled back at Dave and stuck his hand out to reach for Dave's finger. I was smiling on the outside but beneath that smile, every part of me seemed to be breaking down inside.

At the end of sacrament comes what seems to be the most challenging part of it all... the handing out of a beautiful flower to all the women in the congregation. As they ask us to stand while the youth pass them out, it is always as if my knees cannot find the strength. I pull myself up feeling somewhat undeserving of such a privilege to stand under the circumstance. I have not yet had the chance to earn my flower; I have not paid the price to claim the title of mother. A part of me wants the youth to just skip over me so I won't have to stare at a flower I have not earned. And suddenly I am greeted by a hand holding out a flower for me to take. I unwillingly extend my hand to accept the undeserving gift.

Then comes the after sacrament greetings from friends holding their beautiful children as I sheepishly utter out some form of "Happy Mothers Day" with an all but fake smile plastered across my face. I get the feel from some of their unsurity of how to comfort me in my situation and circumstance on a day such as this. All I wanted to do is make a dash for the nearest door out of the conglomerate of mothers so blessed by little ones in their lives.

I have watched as those who were once by my side through much of my journey through infertility have slowly found their own path to motherhood. Leaving me behind to tread the road on my own. There are days the pain is immense and beneath it all I am crumbling into a thousand piece. On the day set aside to honor motherhood, I find myself in such a predicament... beneath it all...falling apart piece by piece. The good news is tomorrow is a new day!

For all the mothers who have been so blessed with the opportunity to be called such, I do wish you a "Happy Mothers Day". I send a big hug full of gratefulness to my own mother for the tremendous sacrifices she has made on my behalf and for her love. I pray that each one of you realizes your infinite worth and that you recognize the blessings of being a mother. There is no greater honor than the role we have been given as women. I hope that one day, I will be able to share in such joy with you. That one day beneath it all will be the pure joy of claiming the title of "mother" instead of the sorrow from what I know I lack.

Stop This Train…I Wanna Get Off

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping" ~Chinese Proverb

This experience has tested my strength both physically and spiritually more than a few times. I don't know how many times along this journey I have wanted to say, "stop this train, I wanna get off". I have felt on more than one occasion so completely inadequate to keep going; so trodden down to pick myself back up. Each time I reach a new destination, or in other words, overcome another trail...there is this part of me asking, "This is it, right?", "I will be done after this one?". Funny thing is that it never seems to be "it". I haven't finished a race, I can't throw in the towel, and I am certainly not done...

I have come to realize that so often our trials are simply a means to prepare us for...you guessed it, even bigger trials. I know it isn't exactly fun to think of it that way, but I imagine if I were to look at it like this more often, I might have less disappointment and sorrow. I have also found it important to never assume that things can't possibly get any harder, because they inevitably will.

Life is full of surprises, which I am sure isn't news to anyone. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Now speaking for myself, I would say I have had my fair share of both. At times it has been filled with nothing but those "highs", and more recently it seems to be filled with nothing more than the "lows". I am praying that my opportunity for some "highs" is soon in coming. So what do I do till they arrive? I am trying ever so hard to be patient… because there is one thing I know, and that is through adversity comes strength, courage, and blessings. Strength that I am certainly lacking, courage that I desperately need, and blessings that will fill my hearts desires.

After a trip to the ER Monday evening, after complications with my stent and a potential infection, I laid on the hospital bed in excruciating pain. I turned to Dave with my eyes full of tears and simply said, "I can't do this anymore…it is just too hard". His reply was simple, "yes, you can…you already are".

Throughout the course of the past several months, I have reflected a great deal on the Saviors Atonement. Most of my thoughts have been directed towards the peace of knowing that because of His infinite Atonement, he knows every pain my body has relentlessly endured and every sorrow that my heart has felt. More recently, I have turned to those sweet words He uttered to His Father in Heaven in the Garden of Gethsemane, saying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42). Even the Savior Himself asked for deliverance from such hardship. But He, knowing what had to be done, suffered and atoned for each one of us.

The Father knows my heart. As much as I would like to be relieved of such physical pains from surgery and the emotion pains of infertility, it simply isn't up to me. He knows what will strengthen me. He knows what will prepare me for what the future holds. He knows what blessings are in store so long as I submit to his will and not my own. Every part of me wants to stop this train, every part of me wants to get off and try my hand at something a little seemingly easier of a ride. But I WILL keep going… one day at time…step by step.

A Five Day Stay in the Hospital…

Here is an account of my experience in the hospital during my last surgery. It is long and detailed, so if you not interested, please ignore it. I wrote it in detail because I knew I would forget otherwise (especially considering all the meds I was on). During the procedure they reconstructed my left ectopic ureter (ureter-the tube draining urine from the kidney to the bladder) and re-implanted it into my bladder wall. Over the course of my life time it was previously draining urine into my uterus. This obviously creates a myriad of health issues which have finally been resolved. I feel tremendously blessed to have found a doctor who could finally diagnose the problem and to my Heavenly Father for cutting me a break. I am looking forward to a healthier life and for the chance to begin our family by some means undecided by us and the Lord. If you are interested in the details of the most challenging physical, mental, and emotional struggle I have ever faced, please read on….

After 5 days in the hospital, 15 shots, 3 IV's, 3 new incisions, 2 suppositories, 2 catheters, 1 epidural, 1 stent, and lots of medication… I have finally returned home. This experience has been the most challenging physical trial I have ever been through. I went into the surgery prepared for what I knew would be the hardest recovery I would have to face thus far, but nonetheless, I was optimistic! I was optimistic that I was young and healthy and that my recovery would surely be quicker than most. I had no idea just what kind of wake-up call I was in for.

Everything done surgically went just as planned; it was the recovery that would prove differently. Moments before I was taken into the operating room, my doctor strongly recommended that I get an epidural to control my pain during recovery. I am not typically afraid of needles or shots, but I have to admit I was completely beside myself with fear! They gave me a sedative to calm my nerves before giving me the epidural, but I don't think I ever really calmed down until it was done! Dave commented that I wouldn't shut-up and I kept making random comments. The nurse assured him I probably wouldn't remember any of it when I woke up. It wasn't nearly as bad as I think I had made it up to be in my head (the IV's were definitely more painful than the epidural).

My five day hospital stay seemed never ending. My nurses during the day were less than great. The night nurse's seemed to be the most prompt with my care. They came in every few hours to check my blood pressure, pulse, and temperature, so as you might imagine, sleep was seldom and interrupted. Saturday was a difficult day as I couldn't keep anything down. Vomiting is never fun… but vomiting with a large incision in your stomach and 4 tubes hanging from you is horrible. Dave left me for a few hours to go home and take a shower and get some food. During that time they brought me a "wonderfully" prepared hospital meal (no sarcasm intended). It was the first bit of solid food since the operation and I was pretty excited about it. I took it easy but about half way through the meal I started to feel sick. With practically no warning, I threw-up all over my lunch tray. I pressed my nurse call button and informed the nurse's desk I had thrown-up. I figured this would result in someone being sent to help. After waiting for about 10 minutes and trying every attempt possible to not vomit again, I paged the nurse's desk a second time. This time I was in tears and informed them I needed something to throw-up in immediately. After waiting a while they finally came with something for me to throw-up in besides my lunch tray (not that I was planning on eating any more of it anyways). My mom arrived late that evening and dropped by for a quick hello before I fell asleep.

Sunday was the best day I had during my stay in the hospital. Maybe it was because the Lord knew I needed a break since it was the Sabbath. I never threw-up and I was alert and talkative for most of the day. Monday I woke up to more nausea and vomiting and the discouragement that I would not be going home yet. Before the surgery the Doctor said I would have to stay in the hospital for a minimum of three nights but he would judge my stay according to my progress. In the back of my mind, all I heard was three nights, and that is all I had prepared myself for. On the bright side, the doctor ordered my 2^nd (urethra) catheter to be removed, which meant one less tube attached to me! The urethra catheter was very uncomfortable, so its removal brought me a much needed smile.

Tuesday would prove to be my most challenging day. After a very sleepless night, my Doctor came by for a visit at 5:30 in the morning. He informed me that it the end of the time clock with what had become a dear friend, as they would be removing my epidural. The rest of the day was a bit of an awaking as I don't think any of us quit understood how much GOOD the epidural was doing at managing my pain. After its removal, it was very clear how much pain it had been covering up. The pain made me vomit and the vomit created more pain! Most of the pain was resulting from bladder spasms. I was warned prior to my operation that they were very painful and similar to contractions. I was having several problems with my super-pubic catheter draining properly as well. They wheeled me down to radiology to do an x-ray of my abdomen. This was to make sure there were not any twists or kinks in the catheter. The doctor also wanted me to try taking my pain medication by mouth in preparation for my IV removal. It was all I could do to try and keep my pain meds down and the anti-nausea medicine never seemed to help.

Wednesday's early morning doctor's visit was filled with many mixed emotions. I received the exciting news that everything looked as though I would finally be able to return home. He ordered my fluids in my IV to be reduced and removed my JP (incision drain) in preparation for my release. The JP drain is like a suction bulb with a LONG tube attached to the end of it. That tube is inserted into my abdomen to drain fluid from the incision site. The bulb is drained several times a day to measure the amount of fluid the incision is producing. The doctor snipped a few of the stitches around the JP which held it in place. He then proceeded to tell me to take a deep breath...

What took place after that deep breath became a sudden blur of some of the worse sudden pain I have ever experienced in my life. I literally screamed in pain during the removal (I am sure I woke up the entire floor at 6 in morning). The tube felt never ending as he pulled and pulled and pulled. I know this maybe a little graphic, but since this is my way of journaling my experience I will share it. As he pulled I could feel chunks of my flesh coming out with the tube. In that moment, I felt as if my insides were being ripped out and every part of me was ready to call it quits. I laid there in complete tears as he assured me that the removal of my super-pubic catheter would feel nothing like that experience. It wasn't too long after he left that the nausea and vomiting returned. I am sure it was due to the state of shock that I was in after the removal of the JP drain. The rest of the day seemed fairly uneventful until my discharge late that afternoon.

The wheelchair ride to the car and car ride home were both "bumpy", but I survived. Coming home was a huge relief, but also an enormous challenge. I then had to adjust to my "stuff" with my new equipment. I had grown to love the adjustable bed at the hospital (it was really more of a love-hate relationship). It made getting up and down, in and out, much easier. The hospital bed was also equipped with adequate areas to hang my catheter bag (or as I like to call it, my pee bag). At the hospital, I didn't have to worry about getting any "gross stuff" (I will leave that up for interpretation) on my furniture, floor, rugs, ect. I have my post-op appointment next Thursday, and I am really hoping the will remove my super pubic catheter (aka: the "un-super" pubic catheter).

We have been so grateful to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. We have appreciated the generous meals and visits. I still have a long way to go, but things seem to be healing. My mom has been a tremendous help and I have especially enjoyed her company. I hope it is all downhill from here…

Life's pivotal moments

There are times in each one of our lives that leave us changed forever. Moments when we are molded and shaped by our life's experiences. Moments where old chapters end and new chapters begin.

Over the course of my life time, I have had many pivotal moments, many new chapters in my life's book. The past year seems to fill my personal pages with such moments. There are so many changes taking place, not only spiritually, but physically, mentally, and emotionally.

After 12 years of being sick (more severely the past 5 years), I finally have answers, but more importantly solutions! My exploratory surgery, done on the 27th of March, revealed just what the doctor was suspecting. He found a left ectopic ureter (please read previous post for further explanation). Proceeding the surgery, they rushed me over to radiology to run tests on my kidney. The function of my kidney would determine what the best surgical option would be for me. The good news... it functions! The bad news... only about 40% of what is should.

The past several weeks have been a whirl-wind preparing for surgery number three, in less than three months. This surgery will be the most extensive and challenging of them all! Estimated recovery time is 4-6 weeks, 3 weeks of which I will have a FABULOUS catheter (I feel like I am 90... what 24 year old should have to wear a catheter for 3 weeks!). The doctor informed me that I was not allowed to drive and I was to stay home while I have the catheter. As if it was some questions that I would be out and about carrying my lovely pee bag around to show off as a souvenir from my surgery. No, I think I am rather content at home with such a prized possession.

Thankfully, the doctor can go over my old 4"scar (from my major surgery from childhood) because I was really not looking forward to adding another to the collection! I guess you won't find me out on the beach in my bikini this year (not that you would anyways). It is hard to imagine that by the time I am recovered, it will be June. I am pretty much out of commission for the entire month of May.

I have been keeping an extensive to-do list in attempt to make sure everything is in order before I go in for surgery. It is now the eve of the big day and the last thing left on my list is to blog about this pivotal moment in my life. This is a moment I have waited, hoped, and dreamed about. I will leave for the surgery tomorrow morning with all my urinary problems and return home with brand new plumbing. It is expected that I will no longer suffer from UTI's and Kidney infections, but only time will tell. Either way, I know this is a new chapter in my book, and one that I hope will be much healthier. It is a pivotal moment that I hope will lead to a chapter on motherhood.

Sick and Tired...

It's official... I am "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired"!

Last night I went to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy to pick up a prescription for another (sigh) UTI. As I approached the counter, the pharmacist, quickly recognized me and attempted to guess my last name. Thankful, she got it wrong, otherwise I think I would have cried (okay, so that would be a little over dramatic... but you get the point). She did reassure me that one of these days she was going to have it memorized. Just why would there be a need for her to memorize my last name... 'cause I practically live at the place these days!

On Monday I will go in for surgery number two, in less than two months! I am finally working with a urologist who is actively seeking a solution to my problems and not just treating my symptoms. It will be an exploratory type surgery to get a better look at my urinary system. It is his impression that I could potentially have an ectopic left ureter. Your ureter is what carries urine from your kidneys into your bladder (you have two, one on each side). If it is ectopic, it means that it has an insertion point other than the bladder. All of my tests, procedures and symptoms, thus far point to this diagnosis, but as I have come to learn, there is no guarantee this is what they will find.

Of all the uterine abnormalities, a unicornuate uterus is most often seen with some sort of renal (kidney) anomaly as well. For many patients diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus, it is discovered that they only have one kidney or a misshapen kidney. Thankfully, I have both kidneys, but it is sounding like I could have some abnormalities in other parts of that same system. If an ectopic ureter is found, there are two solutions. The first and most appealing, is if my kidney is found to be functioning properly; they can just re-route my ureter. The second scenario, would be if my kidney is found only producing water instead of urine. If this is the case, they would have to remove my left renal system (kidney, ureter) entirely.

I never would have imagined that the health problems I have endured would be so closely related and stem back to one simple diagnosis of a unicornuate uterus. For the majority of my life, they were treated as individual issues/symptoms. It is now clear that it needs to be treated as one whole condition with multiple medical issues stemming from it. I have adjusted to being the science project to many doctors as they observe my rare medical scenario.

I have to admit I am almost hopeful that it is an ectopic ureter. It seems a little strange to hope for such a diagnosis as this, but it would mean an answer and a solution. An answer to so many frustrating and wearing health issue. It would potentially mean no more UTI's or kidney infections. I have imagined the doctor informing me of the diagnosis and there being tears of joy rather than of sadness. Joy that I might not have to live the rest of my life being "sick and tired". Joy that we may soon be able to start IVF treatments, and thus our family, without another odd fighting against us. It seems to be a dream worth dreaming...

The Common Thread

If there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it is that I am not alone. My situation may be unique... but the outcome of infertility is not. The more I open my mouth and let others in, the more I realize just how many are struggling with infertility as well. I have found hope and peace, strength and courage from those with whom I share this one common thread. Having a network of friends that I can lean on for understanding or a listening ear has meant so much to me over the past few months. Often times it is with people with whom I have never even met or barely even know. That thread is what links each one of us together, and it is often times, what holds each one of us together through such a trail.

My sidebar contains a list of friends with whom have shared this common tread with me, and the type of infertility they suffer from. I know that this list is incomplete... I am not aware of the names of some of the conditions these women suffer from and I also know that this list will continue to grow as I create that common thread with new friends. If you are on my list please send me the proper abbreviations that link to your name (if you wish to be removed from the list completely, please let me know). For a list of abbreviations, please click here or visit the link entitled "Terms and Abbreviations" on my sidebar - if you do not see the applicable abbreviation for you, make one up! If you know of those who would like to be a part of my infertile network, please send them a link to my blog, I would love to get to know them.

I have also created a logo (picture above) or blog button that you can add to your blog with a link to your story. If you have any ideas on how I could expound on this network or networking system, please let me know.

There really is truth to the phrase, "strength in numbers". I hope that we can all lift and strengthen each other through our struggles and our one common thread.